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DVD/BD NEWS: Paramount Announces Extras For INDIANA JONES: THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES

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THE ULTIMATE ADVENTURE COLLECTION DEBUTS ON BLU-RAY™ WITH SEVEN HOURS OF BONUS FEATURES
INCLUDING NEARLY AN HOUR OF PREVIOUSLY UNRELEASED
BEHIND-THE-SCENES FOOTAGE

INDIANA JONES: THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES

ALL FOUR ICONIC FILMS EMBARK ON SEPTEMBER 18, 2012
WITH THE NEWLY RESTORED RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK AND
NEVER-BEFORE-SEEN FOOTAGE FROM THE SET OF THE CLASSIC
Every unforgettable exploit of world-renowned, globetrotting hero Indiana Jones finally comes home with pristine picture and sound when INDIANA JONES: The Complete Adventures debuts on Blu-ray September 18, 2012 from Lucasfilm Ltd. and Paramount Home Media Distribution. The cinematic classic that started it all—Raiders of the Lost Ark—has been meticulously restored under the supervision of director Steven Spielberg and sound designer Ben Burtt.  Additionally, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade have both been remastered alongside 2008’s Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull making this landmark release the first time all four films in the epic and award-winning franchise have been available together in sparkling high definition. INDIANA JONES: The Complete Adventures will also be available on iTunes, so the adventure is just a click away! 

In addition to all of Indy’s thrilling adventures, the set includes seven hours of fascinating documentaries, featurettes and interviews with cast members and filmmakers.  This comprehensive collection of behind-the-scenes bonus features is augmented by a brand new two-part documentary entitled “On Set with Raiders of the Lost Ark – From Jungle to Desert and From Adventure to Legend.”  Featuring nearly an hour of rarely seen footage from the set of the film and archival interviews with Steven Spielberg, George Lucas and Harrison Ford, these captivating pieces transports fans back to where the legend began.

Raiders of the Lost Ark has been painstakingly restored with careful attention to preserving the original look, sound and feel of the iconic film.  The original negative was scanned at 4K and then examined frame-by-frame so that any damage could be repaired.  The sound design was similarly preserved using Burtt’s original master mix, which had been archived and unused since 1981.  New stereo surrounds were created using the original music tracks and original effects recorded in stereo but used previously only in mono.  In addition, the sub bass was redone entirely up to modern specifications and care was taken to improve dialogue and correct small technical flaws to create the most complete and highest quality version of the sound possible while retaining the director’s vision.

Disc Specifications:
Disc 1—Raiders of the Lost Ark
Raiders of the Lost Ark is presented in 1080p high definition with English 5.1 DTS-HD Master Audio, French 5.1 Dolby Digital, Spanish 5.1 Dolby Digital, Spanish 2.0 Dolby Digital, Portuguese 5.1 Dolby Digital, Portuguese 2.0 Dolby Digital and English, English SDH, French, Spanish and Portuguese subtitles. The disc includes the following:
  • Teaser Trailer (HD)
  • Theatrical Trailer (HD)
  • Re-Issue Trailer (HD)

Disc 2—Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom is presented in 1080p high definition with English 5.1 DTS-HD Master Audio, French 5.1 Dolby Digital, Spanish 5.1 Dolby Digital, Spanish 2.0 Dolby Digital, Portuguese 5.1 Dolby Digital, Portuguese 2.0 Dolby Digital and English, English SDH, French, Spanish and Portuguese subtitles. The disc includes the following:
  • Teaser Trailer (HD)
  • Theatrical Trailer (HD)

Disc 3—Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade is presented in 1080p high definition with English 5.1 DTS-HD Master Audio, French 5.1 Dolby Digital, Spanish 5.1 Dolby Digital, Spanish 2.0 Dolby Digital, Portuguese 5.1 Dolby Digital, Portuguese 2.0 Dolby Digital and English, English SDH, French, Spanish and Portuguese subtitles. The disc includes the following:
  • Teaser Trailer (HD)
  • Theatrical Trailer (HD)

Disc 4—Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is presented in 1080p high definition with English 5.1 DTS-HD Master Audio, French 5.1 Dolby Digital, Spanish 5.1 Dolby Digital, Portuguese 5.1 Dolby Digital and English Audio Description and English, English SDH, French, Spanish and Portuguese subtitles. The disc includes the following:
  • Theatrical Trailer #2 (HD)
  • Theatrical Trailer #3 (HD)
  • Theatrical Trailer #4 (HD)

Disc 5—Bonus Features
Bonus features are presented in standard and high definition (as indicated below) in English with English, French, Spanish and Portuguese subtitles.
  • NEW – On Set with Raiders of the Lost Ark
    • From Jungle to Desert
    • From Adventure to Legend
  • Making the Films
    • The Making of Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981 documentary previously unavailable on DVD)
    • The Making of Raiders of the Lost Ark
    • The Making of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
    • The Making of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade


Disc 5—Bonus Features (cont’d)
    • The Making of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (HD)
  • Behind the Scenes
    • The Stunts of Indiana Jones
    • The Sound of Indiana Jones
    • The Music of Indiana Jones
    • The Light and Magic of Indiana Jones
    • Raiders: The Melting Face!
    • Indiana Jones and the Creepy Crawlies (with optional pop-ups)
    • Travel with Indiana Jones: Locations (with optional pop-ups)
    • Indy’s Women: The American Film Institute Tribute
    • Indy’s Friends and Enemies
    • Iconic Props (Crystal Skull) (HD)
    • The Effects of Indy (Crystal Skull) (HD)
    • Adventures in Post Production (Crystal Skull) (HD)


About Paramount Home Media Distribution
Paramount Home Media Distribution (PHMD) is part of Paramount Pictures Corporation (PPC), a global producer and distributor of filmed entertainment.  PPC is a unit of Viacom (NASDAQ: VIA, VIAB), a leading content company with prominent and respected film, television and digital entertainment brands.  The PHMD division oversees PPC’s home entertainment, digital and television distribution activities worldwide. The division is responsible for the sales, marketing and distribution of home entertainment content on behalf of Paramount Pictures, Paramount Animation, Paramount Vantage, Paramount Classics, Insurge Pictures, MTV, Nickelodeon, Comedy Central, CBS and PBS and for providing home entertainment fulfillment services for DreamWorks Animation Home Entertainment.  PHMD additionally manages global licensing of studio content and distribution across worldwide digital and television distribution platforms including online, mobile and portable devices and emerging technologies.

Lucasfilm, Indiana Jones™ and related properties are trademarks and/or copyrights, in the United States and other countries, of Lucasfilm Ltd. and/or its affiliates. TM & © 1981-2012 Lucasfilm Ltd.  All rights reserved.  All other trademarks and trade names are properties of their respective owners.



HIDE YOUR CATS EVERYBODY! ALF Is Making A Comeback!

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The Hollywood Reporter has happily announced that Sony Pictures Animation has gained the rights to the famous 1980s sitcom ALF and will be making a live-action/CGI hybrid based on the famous cat-eating extra-terrestrial.

Jordan Kerner, who is no stranger to bringing '80s icons to the big screen (he produced 2011's The Smurfs) will be producing the upcoming ALF film. Joining Kerner are both the show's creator, Tom Patchett, and puppeteer Paul Fusco.

The main character wouldn't be coming back in his original puppet form, which is a little sad especially with the success of The Muppets proving that puppets are still acceptable to audiences, but the updated ALF will be shedding his fluffy body and gaining a new, updated, CGI look. Other than the drastic physical transformation, the original ALF voice, provided by Paul Fusco, will be returning to his famous role.

The show, which ran from 1986 to 1990, focused on the sarcastic alien, who's real name was "Gordan Shumway" and his life with the Tanner family after crash landing on Earth.

There is no writer or director attached the film as of yet.

Ben Haber of Kerner Entertainment Co. and Kenneth Kaufman (who runs Alien Production with Patchet and Fusco) will be executive producing the film.


THIS IS PURRFECT: Headphones For Cats...'Cause The Thing That Pees In Your Shoes Needs To Get It's Groove On

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We all know that cats loathe us and spend each and every day hoping that we die in our sleep so that they can feed solely on our decomposing face, but did you also know that they wish they could jam out to the soothing sounds of acid jazz in the comfort of some well-fitting cat-sized headphones?

Neither did I (and I'm still skeptical that this isn't some ploy to kill me) but SOL Republic did and now, for the low, low sum of $999, your cat can own it's own pair of headphones and rock the night away (before shitting on your pillow).

Personally, I am not in the mood to pay a thousand dollars for an item that my cat will only be interested in for three minutes, but that's just me. Then again, with the way my cat has been eyeballing my iPod lately, maybe I should buy one just to be safe...you just never know with cats.


Source: Incredible Things


DOUBLE TRAINBOW: This Is What Happens When You Add A Dash of Double Rainbow Guy to A Train Enthusiast

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Having never been this excited in my life, I can only imagine that this feeling is similar to being on a roller coaster made of cotton candy while your fellow passengers sing a jaunty tune.

And yes, I'm a bit jealous of anyone that can be so unashamed by their love for something as banal as a train.

Perhaps there's a certain combination of Advil PM and NyQuil that could lead to the same kind of results, because those are the only two things that can make me as truly ecstatic as the Train Guy feels.

Sad?

A bit, but at least he knows joy the way it was meant to be felt...balls-out.


Source: Boing Boing


FATHER OF THE YEAR: Dad Builds Backyard Roller Coaster to Win the Love Of His Ungrateful Toddler

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Here's a story of a dad that just wanted his hell spawn to love and respect him, and, like all parents, he did something extraordinary.

He built that little shit a backyard roller coaster.

Okay, so it's not electric and the guy has to use a pole to push that asshole up to the first hill but hey, the guy built something with his own two hands right?

And you know what's going to happen next? That frakkin toddler is gonna demand that the dad continue to push their fat ass for hours and hours until the dad is exhausted and the kid runs out of excitement for the ride. And there the roller coaster will sit, in the backyard, for years, slowly disintegrating, until it's just an eyesore for the kid to set fire to when they get addicted to Bath Salts.

All because the dad wanted the kid to think he was awesome.

Stupid dad.


Source: Obvious Winner


OLD NAVY HITS GENERATION X WHERE THEY LIVE, In The Old 90210 Soft Spot...God, I Miss the Peach Pit

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Remember when a Guest Spot character on a popular teen television show could have AIDS and it was considered risque? Or someone contemplating losing their virginity at a prom with their long-time boyfriend could be targeted by religious zealots for being immoral?

God I miss the 90s sometimes...especially 90210 and the carnal desires of thirty-something actors portraying sixteen-year-old high school students.

That was the best.

 I mean, what other show could kill off a marginally-liked character in their Sophomore season by having him "accidentally" shoot himself in the face (Mr. Scott "Check This Out" Scanlon) and then, (and here's the best part), in season three introduce a story line about him where he might have been molested by his uncle (who was apparently diddling his sister)?

Frakking priceless.

And you know what? Old Navy understands that these kind of trips down nostalgic TV lane are virtually impossible for people my age (almost 40) to resist and will, through sheer might, force us to yearn for a time of big bangs and high-waisted jeans. And yes, we will open our wallets and buy clothing for no other reason than because Andrea, Brandon, Dylan and Kelly told us to.

Well played Old Navy, well played.



Source: Buzzfeed


The Man From Hong Kong Looks Back at THE WARRIOR (Jaka Sembung)

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This week Forces of Geek travels back once again to the glory days of VHS & Betamax classics from the 1980’s.

If you were a fan of martial arts movies at that time, at some point you would have come across an Indonesian actor named Barry Prima who headlined a series of martial arts movies often featuring supernatural elements, the most famous of which was The Warrior.

The Man from Hong Kong Big Mike Leeder, a self-proclaimed video kid of the 80’s, turns back the clock and takes a look at

THE WARRIOR
( Jaka Sembung )


It is the 19th Century and Indonesia is in turmoil, the people are suffering, oppressed by the Colonial Dutch Government who rule the country with a corrupt iron fist. But hope remains in the form of one man, a rebel leader known as Jaka Sembung, also known as Parmin/The Warrior. His rebel forces and near legendary fighting ability inspires the people to stay proud of their heritage and rise up against their oppressors.



Van Schram, the Dutch representative in Java offers a reward for the death of Sembungand a hulking fighter named Kobar is despatched to go after him. But one short fight later, kobar is dead and Van Schram turns to an evil sorcerer Ki-iten (W.D.Mochtar) for his unholy help to take down Sembung.  The sorcerer uses his supernatural powers to resurrect another of Sembung’s enemies, and he is overpowered and soon imprisoned and tortured by Van Schram. But he is set free by Van Schramm’s daughter who has fallen for Sembung, he escapes and with the help of a kindly magician, he learns a few new tricks of his own, which enable him to stand up for the sake of his people once again.


Jaka Sembung began life as a popular comic book by Djair, featuring the Robin Hood styled hero battling against evil Dutch colonialists, sorcerors and various monsters and demons. Writer/Director Sisworo Guatama adapted the project to the big screen with the backing of Rapi Films in 1981, and made a household name across Indonesia of young Barry Prima.


Born in Bandung, Indonesia to a Dutch father and Indonesian mother in 1955, Barry Prima (born Hubertus Knoch) was the eldest of four children. After studying a variety of martial arts with a preference for tae-kwondo, Prima came to the attention of legendary Indonesian producer Gope T. Samtani who offered him a strong supporting role in the cannibal movie Primitiff/Primative. The film was a hit and launched Prima’s career.

It was Prima's role as Jaka Sembung or The Warrior, as the film was retitled for it's international release, that really made his career, resulting in Prima becoming one of the biggest stars in Indonesia with a cult following around the world.

Prima made several more movies featuring The Warrior character and various other martial arts and action movies including The Terrorists, The Demon Sword and more.


Prima stepped back from the spotlight in the 1990’s and became something of a recluse, giving few interviews and when he does, he often appears a little embarrassed by the films he’s made and more than a little contradictory, claiming he never wanted to be an actor and has never made a good movie, while in the same interview commenting on enjoying making films and working with good people. After several years away, Prima made a surprise return to the big screen with a cameo appearance in drag in the movie Realita Cinta Rock’n Roll.

The Warrior, is an at times outrageous action adventure, starting off in the relatively real world before various Indonesian myths and supernatural elements such as sorcery and black magic are brought into play.


The film also features some very patriotic elements, which definitely appealed to Indonesia’s population (much as Ip Man played upon China’s patriotic spirit and its feelings of the Japanese occupation) with regards to it's colonial history.

The film features plenty of martial arts action, not always with the most stylized or appropriate choreography, but it does showcase Prima’s physicality and some nice reactions and stunt work from the Indonesian stunt team. There are also plenty of supernatural moments with characters being levitated, thrown around or in certain cases dismembered and still being able to fight back, sometimes using their disembodied limbs as weapons.


There’s also some pretty extreme moments of brutality such as the torture scene where Prima’s character is given a hefty beating and blinded.

As already mentioned Prima really gets to strut his stuff here and makes an appealing hero. There’s definitely something about him that makes you want to see him go through the hard times, just so he can come back and kick some ass in the name of righteousness! Prima is given solid support from a cast which includes Eva Arnez who plays his love interest (and went on to become Prima’s wife in real life), Dicky Zulkarnean who plays the corrupt Van Schram and W.D. Mochtar who makes a very memorable villain.


The Warrior makes for an entertaining late night viewing, it has a righteous hero fighting for what’s right, corrupt government officials, evil sorcerors, and mindless thugs and come on any film that can feature someone having their leg chopped off, only for it to fly 100 yards and kick someone in the face before reattaching itself, gets my thumbs up.


Track down and old VHS or ideally the Mondo Macabre DVD release, turn down the lights, crank up the volume, crack open a tasty beverage in the company of some good friends and enjoy a classic slice of 80’s Indonesian action cinema.

The Warrior was a major success on video throughout the world during the 1980’s, and Mondo Macabre gave the film its first official DVD release anywhere in the world a few years back. The remastered print is presented in anamorphic widescreen, with the addition of the film’s original trailer and interviews with the film’s producer and scriptwriter, as well as a documentary on Indonesian fantasy, action and horror movies. The film can be ordered from www.mondomacabrodvd.com

On the Mondo Macabre DVD release of another Barry Prima fantasy action adventure The Devils Sword, one of the special features is a segment entitled An Encounter with Barry Prima, which sees Prima giving a rare on camera interview.  Prima seems reluctant to answer the questions put to him, and bemused that anyone outside of Indonesia may have seen or been a fan of his work. It’s an interesting featurette which leaves you wondering if Prima is playing with increasingly frustrated interviewer, or if the interview will end suddenly with Prima running for the hills, or perhaps dispatching some The Warrior styled justice to the man for asking too many questions.


The film spawned several sequels including Jaka Sembung Vs Si Buta/The Warrior Vs The Blind Swordsman, Baijing Ireng vs Jaka Sembung/The Warrior Vs the Ninja, Jaka Sembung and Dewi Samudra, and Jaka Sembung vs Bergola Ljo.


Smallville: Random, Awesome and WTF?! - S7E5: Action

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Hollywood comes to Smallville in order to film a live adaptation of Warrior Angel, and Clark gets a glimpse of what a well done movie featuring him could be like should he choose to go the hero route.

Hint: Nothing like Superman Returns

The Random:
1. Chloe’s just plain old adorable when she’s talking about comic books.  And for the record, I’ve never seen a girl like her at the comic store.  Ever.

2. Anyone else catch the Wonder Woman logo on the bullhorn?  I sure did.  Although it was easy to miss since we were getting the 619th vehicular explosion in our faces and that always takes precedence.

3. Whoever thought to have the villain of the piece by a militant comic fan is either a douchebag…or a genius.  Because, seriously, go check out some comic book websites.  Some people who take faithfulness to the source material waaaaaaay too seriously…

Doesn’t he just scream “Mom’s Basement?”

The Awesome:
1. Hey, guess who’s finally awake?  Lionel Luthor is conscious at last and finds himself stuck in a total Misery type situation.  So what does he do while weak and bear trapped to a strange woman’s bed?  He makes threats.  Because that’s just how he rolls.  This is, of course, but a prelude to him escaping and then beating his captor to death and topping it off with warning Lana to check herself.

2. Lex’s speech to Clark about being destined to be alone if you’re destined to save mankind is plain chilling, as is the delight in his eyes when he’s describing the villainy of Devilicus and how Warrior Angel failed in stopping him.  Also, bonus points for being able to recall issue numbers of the top of his head.  Reminds me of someone I know…

3. So it’s not quite the Reeve/Kidder helicopter scene, but Clark diving head first off a building to catch Lana and then bring her safely down to Earth is fairly badass.  He just needs to get that flying thing going, especially since he just got a cape from his not so secret Hollywood admirer.

“I just pulled my hand out of a bear trap and beat an armed assailant
with my good hand.  Don’t think I won’t pimpslap you something fierce.”

The WTF?!:
1. Let’s add creating “Google proof” backstories of people she just met to Chloe’s amazing Where The Hell Did She Learn This Crap arsenal.  Now Kara is officially Clark’s cousin as far as any authorities are concerned.  Not bad for a girl who never went to class on account of being kidnapped and breaking the law.

2. Clark’s awkward scene with Rachel and Lana is actually pretty funny because, even though it’s Lana, at least he has a real excuse for not hooking up with Rachel, but still, dude.  C’mon.  But honestly the biggest shock is that Lana didn’t automatically fly off the handle and cry.  Guess she’s moving up a bit.  Orrrr, she’s just distracted by the fact she’s behind Lionel’s abduction and is hypocritically hiding it from Clark.  But Lionel knows…

3. Ben’s whole plot involves killing Lana, which normally we’d all be for, in order to make Clark become a hero…because he read it in a comic book.  And yet somehow he’s managed to outsmart tons of people along the way despite just oozing crazy.

Clark, Lana’s crazy AND she’s still lying to you.
Open whatever this chick’s giving you.





The King of Comedy

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When naming the key filmmakers who have emerged in the past 50 years, there are too few names associated with comedy.

Woody Allen is rightly recognized for his prolific output which veers between comedy and drama; Mel Brooks is of course recognized for his contributions to comedy with such well-crafted parodies as BLAZING SADDLES and YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN; and in recent years, a new crop of filmmakers have emerged whose work fits into the tradition of quirky, offbeat humor pioneered by people like Hal Ashby.


But perhaps the most unique comic filmmaker to emerge since the post-WWII era, at least in America, is Jerry Lewis.


His rise to stardom can be traced to the late ‘40s, when he began appearing as part of the celebrated team of Martin & Lewis opposite crooner Dean Martin, first in nightclubs and then on film and television. Throughout the 1950s, they became the most popular team of the decade, appearing in a number of comedies together, before the team split and Lewis went solo, starring in his own vehicles for Paramount.


But in 1960, circumstances arose that gave Lewis the chance to demonstrate that in addition to being a brilliant comedian, he was also a brilliant filmmaker.

CINDERFELLA was a comic inversion of the “Cinderella” story with Jerry Lewis as the young man who must contend with an evil stepmother (played to perfection by Judith Anderson) and two stepbrothers who torment him. The film was directed by the highly original and talented Frank Tashlin, with whom Lewis had done much of his best work.

However, the film was scheduled to be released in the summer of 1960, and Lewis wanted to hold it back as a big Christmas release. He offered to direct a quick film that Paramount could release in the summer to fill their release slate, so that CINDERFELLA could be released during the holidays as he’d hoped.


The studio agreed, and Lewis embarked on THE BELLBOY, one of the most unique comedies to be made in Hollywood before or since. In a return to the “auteur” days of comedy, when filmmakers like Chaplin and Keaton had total control of their projects, Lewis would write, direct, and star in the film, which was shot quickly and cheaply at a hotel in Miami where Lewis was appearing at the time.


Filming took place during the day so that he could perform on stage at night. The film is a virtually non-narrative piece about an accident-prone bellboy named Stanley who precipitates one mishap after another. The film brings to mind the comedies of Chaplin and Keaton in its singularity, while Lewis’ character evokes the comedy of Stan Laurel (with whom Lewis consulted on the script, and pays tribute to in the form of a Laurel imitator who shows up in the film). With its single setting, and characters milling about within the large hotel, it also brings to mind the comedy of Jacques Tati, especially since there is little dialogue in the film (Stanley the bellhop doesn’t utter a word until the very end).


While some of the individual gags are of variable effectiveness, the film overall stands as a brash debut, cheerfully violating so many of the “rules” of filmmaking while simultaneously using the medium so creatively to present new kinds of gags (such as the moment where Stanley’s camera, snapping a photo, causes the night to turn to day instantaneously!)

It was also on this film that Lewis would introduce the video assist technology that allowed him to view his own performance while he was acting in a scene, saving time by providing instant playback rather than having to wait for the rushes to be developed.

Lewis’ next film as director, THE LADIES MAN, was even more audacious.


Released in 1961, and photographed in vibrant Technicolor, the film places Lewis as a nebbish whose love of his life has broken his heart. He ends up moving into a boarding house filled with women, who almost drive him over the edge. The entire film is set inside a highly elaborate house set, built to scale with all of the rooms connected together. The film combines Lewis’ trademark clowning (there’s a particularly fun scene with Buddy Lester) with a kind of whimsical and magical quality, such as when he lifts the glass on a butterfly collection, and the butterflies promptly fly off!


Lewis followed up THE LADIES MAN with THE ERRAND BOY, released the same year.


In some ways a throwback to THE BELLBOY, THE ERRAND BOY is another black-and-white film set within a single location – a comic look inside a film studio – which appears to have been shot relatively inexpensively on the Paramount backlot. It lacks the audacity of the gags in THE BELLBOY and the style of THE LADIES MAN, and all in all feels like a lesser effort, though it does contain one of his most inventive sequences, in which Lewis, playing a young production assistant with dreams of making it big in Tinseltown, sits in an empty boardroom at the head of the table, and pantomimes the blustery dictations of a big businessman in time with Count Basie’s recording of “Blues in Hoss’ Flat”.



Whereas THE BELLBOY, THE LADIES MAN and THE ERRAND BOY seem to eschew traditional narrative, Lewis’ next film, THE NUTTY PROFESSOR (1963), was a take-off on the Jekyll and Hyde story about a nerdy (but good-hearted) professor who invents a potion that transforms him into the cool (but vulgar) swinger Buddy Love.


In the end, of course, he learns the value of being himself, but the moralistic ending is subverted when Love’s father finds a way to market his potion to the professor’s students!


THE NUTTY PROFESSOR represents Lewis’ ability to juggle the requirements of a narrative while still finding room for his surreal and offbeat brand of visual comedy (such as the moment when he is lifting weights in a gym, and suddenly loses his grip, with the weights falling to the floor and stretching his arms out all the way to the ground!)

THE PATSY, released the following year, is in many ways one of Lewis’ most interesting films.


It’s a deft satire of Hollywood and the idea of celebrity as a commodity. Lewis is once again Stanley the bellboy, this time drafted to become a replacement for a major star who has just perished in a plane crash, and whom Stanley happens to be a dead ringer for.


Whereas THE ERRAND BOY had been a fairly straightforward send-up of Tinseltown, THE PATSY cuts a little deeper, and takes digs at television and rock and roll as well. In many ways, it is Lewis’ satire of the vapidity of American pop culture. One of the most effective scenes in the picture occurs when tastemaker Hedda Hopper shows up at a party wearing a ridiculous hat, and Stanley is the only one honest enough to laugh at it.



Lewis’ final film as director at Paramount was THE FAMILY JEWELS, a silly farce about a little girl whose father passes away and leaves her a fortune, provided she selects one of her uncles as her new caretaker.


She takes turns living with her variety of crazy uncles (all played by Jerry Lewis) before settling on the family chauffeur (also Lewis) as her new “father”. It’s a sweet and good-natured, albeit typically raucous comedy, and certainly affords Lewis the chance to play a number of colorful characters, but lacks the really distinct gags that had made his earlier efforts so memorable.


Lewis would continue directing films until 1983 (he is still active directing today with a stage adaptation of THE NUTTY PROFESSOR in the works), but the films he made for Paramount in the first half of the 1960s hold up as his strongest, funniest, and most consistently innovative works.

Like all great artists, Jerry Lewis has the ability to invent, innovate, and push himself and his cast and crew to new heights of brilliance; a tireless constructor of comedy, and a pioneer in cinematic technique, he is that most unique of artists who (like his mentor Stan Laurel) has the ability to do all that, and still make it look effortlessly simple and fun.




LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, The Iron Man Bag

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Well, holy monkey-love Batman (wait, that doesn't work in this universe).

Here we have a lovely Iron Man handbag created by Deviant Artist Goddess908 who explains how she made such an awesome carry-all for all your stupid crap "It's...made from red clothing leather, gold coated suede and red dyed tooling leather. Entirely hand sewn and assembled (yes, my fingers are sore!) Featuring my very own Arc Reactor (!) and EL wire. Took just under 2 weeks, and will take a longer over-shoulder strap too."

And, for the love of Tony Stark it lights up!


You know, looking at something like this gives me a pain of jealousy that burns between the cheeks of my ass, I mean, when I start tooling around with various craft projects they all end up looking as if they were handcrafted by that mutant fiddler playing boy in Deliverance. Just once I'd like to make something that was even a smidgen this cool. But alas, my talents lie in the realm of the uncrafty and I am left feeling inferior, as usual.

(sigh) 

Too bad Ms. Goddess908 isn't selling this bag, at least then I would have something worthwhile for people to covet (other than my general awesomeness).

Source: Incredible Things


Movie Trailers Galore! RED DAWN, THIS IS 40, PLAYING FOR KEEPS, LIBERAL ARTS, FOR A GOOD TIME CALL, TROUBLE WITH THE CURVE, ZERO DARK THIRTY, NOBODY WALKS, ANTIVIRAL

GEEKY CRAFT CORNER: Make Your Own LED Boo Wall Decoration

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Tricking out your bedroom in Super Mario Bros. is not only nerd-worthy, it's totally off-putting which makes it so worth it (there's nothing more hilarious than buying a home and decorating it completely in a videogame motif- your neighbors will leave you completely alone, trust me).

 But when you want something to hang on your wall that isn't a poster, it's time to get a bit creative.


And this LED Boo wall art is not only cool, it's something you can make yourself with help from this tutorial HERE.

Now, if you're a bit leery of circuitry and soldering stuff, you could probably run a rope light (or even a short string of battery-powered Xmas lights) behind Boo and call it a day.

Either way, it's gonna be a sweet night-light.

Source: Geek Crafts


LEGENDS OF WWF MINIMALIST POSTERS Are A Classy Way to Show Off Your Wrestling Obsession

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I can't think of anyone who grew up in the 80s who didn't watch WWF, but maybe I'm mistaken, maybe people were a bit classier and spent their Saturday mornings with their families while I sat in front of a huge Zenith console television and watched WWF Superstars of Wrestling until my eyes glazed over and spit foamed at the corners of my mouth.

But none of that matters now that I'm an adult and have access to money and free wall space that could use a dash of Andrea the Giant on it:


And thanks to artist/designer BAM, for only $20 I can pop up a few wrestling legends in my hallway while maintaining an esthetically pleasing arty look that doesn't scream "White Trash" (even though my viewing habits would indicate otherwise).

The posters are 11x17 and printed with archival inks to preserve the 100lb cover stock paper from getting gross over the years and, better yet, each piece has the signature move of the wrestler printed on it.

Pure awesome.

Below are a few of my favorites:




source: Uncrate


DUDE WRITES ROADHOUSE SEQUEL As A Guy Fieri Vehicle And Pitches It On Craigslist

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Pain Still Don't Hurt
I am so proud that I live in a country where a guy named Karl Welzein can write a Roadhouse sequel that stars Food Channel star Guy Fieri and put it up on Craigslist for the world to start a bidding war on.

It brings a tear to the eye, I'm telling ya.

Here's Welzein's pitch:  

Attention all Hollywood head honchos. If you're lookin' for the next big summer smash ($$$) I think I got a real premium script in the works. Name's Karl Welzein, President and CEO of Bad Boy City Entertainment and possible future big business owner. Below, you'll feast your eyes on a taste of the gold, if you catch my drift. It's the first scene of ROADHOUSE: PAIN STILL DON'T HURT, starring Guy Fieri. It's pretty much the film America's been cravin' for. I'd also be willing to co-star in the film to keep costs low, (more $$$ for ya) and plus, when I put my mind to it, man, I get in some primo shape. But to be honest, the babes don't really ever have any complaints about my bod. I haven't rapped at Guy Fieri about the project yet, but pretty sure he's down. Let's set up a private convo, possibly in my neck of the woods, or you could fly me to Hollywood (first class). Maybe we could set up a little celebraish for the big contract signing? Who knows? Don't delay. Let's roll, you guys.

I know, it kinda takes the breath away doesn't it?

He even has the opening scene posted to entice you even further so, if you're interested click HERE and read pure genius.

I really hope this gets made...after-all, America's been cravin' for it.

Source: Videogum


X-FILES FANS REJOICE: Scully and Mulder Are Rumored to Be Playing Hide the Alien In Real Life

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I Think They're On To Us



As an X-Files fan I must confess that I have always secretly harbored a desire to see Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny have a relationship for no other reason than hopefully it would lead to a leaked sex tape.

And now comes news (albeit rumored) that the two have been shacking up together and are probably probing each other's anuses nightly.

No one from their camps have confirmed the MOST AWESOME LOVE STORY EVER, but I hold out hope for a People news spread in the coming months along with pictures of the two feeding each other strawberries and discussing alien conspiracies.

 Until that day, here's a little video montage of Scully and Mulder's more tender moments that should tide all of us over.


Source: Topless Robot



CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF YOUR FRIEND'S ANNOYING FACEBOOK PICS? Don't Worry, Soon They Will Have An Option of Sending Them To You In Postcard Form

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Wish You Were Here!

Sometimes I like to imagine a world where my personal internet space wasn't clogged up with baby pictures, overly-emotional status updates or Before and After weight loss pics, but then I remember I that I am a member of Facebook and that is just standard operating procedure.

But at least those annoying pictures can't bother me in the real world right?

Oh, how wrong I am.

Soon Facebook will start allowing a select group of beta testers to turn their horrible pictures into actual postcards and FUCKING MAIL THEM OUT to various unsuspecting "friends".

Oh glorious day.

I can't wait to open up my mail box and find this nestled beside my Archie McPhee catalog:


Here's how this will supposedly work- "...A select group of Facebook users — maybe even you! — can now find a new option when looking at photos called "mail a postcard." Once the desired photo is selected, it becomes one side of the card, and you have the ability to enter personalized text on the other. You can then address it from memory or use an option to ask your recipients for their physical mailing addresses.[Tecca]

Facebook isn't saying how much this new feature will eventually cost or when it will be available for everyone to use, but one thing is for certain, snail-mail is going to start getting scary.

You might want to start praying to Cthulhu right now that no one knows where you live.


DVD/BLU NEWS: Hug It Out, Bitches HBO Announces ENTOURAGE: THE COMPLETE SERIES

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One of the Most Iconic and Enduring Comedies From HBO®

ENTOURAGE®: THE COMPLETE SERIES

Peabody®, Golden Globe® & Emmy® winning Series Available November 6, 2012 in Collectible 18-Disc Set on Blu-ray™ & DVD

Includes All Eight Seasons & More than 6 Hours of Bonus Content Just in Time for the Holidays

They're baaack! Catch the action for the first time or relive the ups and downs that come with fame as Vince, Eric, Drama and Turtle take you on a whirlwind ride through the high-stakes world of Hollywood with Entourage: The Complete Series. The perfect holiday gift for HBO fans, Entourage: The Complete Series on Blu-ray ($299.99) and DVD ($249.99) streets November 6, 2012. The set is boxed in a stylishly cool, black casing and features all 8 seasons along with more than 6 hours of bonus content and is the first time seasons one through five are available on Blu-ray.

Entourage: The Complete Series Blu-ray and DVD sets contain a wealth of bonus materials that give viewers a wildly entertaining look inside one of television's most celebrated comedies. Included are audio commentaries, behind-the-scenes featurettes, panel discussions and exclusive interviews that offer candid and amusing views of Hollywood and the cost of being a celebrity.

All features on the BD and DVD sets are:
  • "Behind-the-Scenes of Entourage"
  • "The Mark Wahlberg Sessions" - exclusive behind-the-scenes interviews with cast and crew conducted by executive producer Mark Wahlberg and the real "Johnny Drama" makes an appearance
  • "Vegas, Baby, Vegas" - featurette of the Entourage cast on location in Las Vegas
  • "Anatomy of Entourage"
  • Medellin Trailer - a trailer for the fictitious film
  • "Making Medellin" - a behind-the-scenes "documentary" about the filming of the movie on location in Bogota, Columbia
  • "The Celebrity Factor" - revealing, behind-the-scenes interviews with cast and crew
  • "Life at the Top, Behind-the-Scenes" - an exclusive look at the making of season six
  • "Extended Behind-the-Scenes" Feature
  • "Ferrari Speedway" -a behind-the-scenes feature with cast and crew as they race Ferraris at the Auto Club Speedway
  • "Meet the Newest Member of Entourage"
  • "Interview with Sasha Grey" - an inside look into the world of adult film star Sasha Grey
  • "Hollywood Sunset: Roundtable with Cast" - behind-the-scenes footage and candid interviews with cast, crew and special guests
  • USCAF Aspen Panel Discussion - an exclusive, laid-back interview with the cast at the U.S. Comedy Arts Festival
  • Museum of Television & Radio Panel
  • "One X One PSA" - directed by Matt Damon
  • 21 audio commentaries with cast and crew
Created and executive produced by Doug Ellin and loosely based on the experiences of his good friend, Academy Award® nominee Mark Wahlberg (who's among the series' executive producers), Entourage takes a none-too-serious look at the day-to-day life of Vincent Chase (Adrian Grenier), a hot young Hollywood actor, and the inner circle of friends he's brought from his hometown in Queens, NY: manager Eric (Kevin Connolly), half-brother/actor Drama (Kevin Dillon) and enterprising pal Turtle (Jerry Ferrara). The series also stars Jeremy Piven who garnered three Emmy® Awards and a Golden Globe® for his portrayal as Vince's agent Ari Gold, Rex Lee as Lloyd and Perry Reeves as the long-suffering Mrs. Ari. Returning guest stars include Scott Caan as Scott Lavin, Emmanuelle Chriqui as Sloan, Beverly D'Angelo as Ari's business partner Babs and Debi Mazar as Vince's publicist Shauna. Along with Ellin and Wahlberg, the series is executive produced by Stephen Levinson, Denis Biggs, Ally Musika and Rob Weiss.


About HBO Home Entertainment®
HBO Home Entertainment markets an extensive array of programs ranging from the critically-acclaimed and groundbreaking series The Sopranos®, Sex and the City®, True Blood® and Game of Thrones® to the multiple Emmy Award-winning mini-series The Pacific® and Band of Brothers®. The company's catalog contains hundreds of titles including the Peabody Award-winning children's program Classical Baby, provocative programs from HBO Documentary Films including When the Levees Broke, innovative movies from HBO Films including Temple Grandin, and comedy specials featuring stand-up performers like Chris Rock and Ricky Gervais. The division distributes programs to the home entertainment market in three formats: Blu-ray, DVD, and digital download. Launched in 1984, HBO Home Entertainment has offices in New York, London and Toronto and the company's releases are marketed in over 70 countries around the world.


DVD/BD NEWS: WEIRD-NOIR Is Coming!

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Image Entertainment Gives You Twisted Two-Fisted Tales With WEIRD-NOIR on DVD September 25th

Get ready for hardboiled film noir like you’ve seen before! On September 25th, Image Entertainment and Something Weird Video unleash Weird-Noir on DVD, a thrilling collection of pulp-action ripe for cult status! This 2-disc set includes six titles and will be available for an SRP of $19.98.

Weird-Noir is buzzing with B movie fun with these unforgettably tawdry and twisted tales, four of which are appearing on DVD for the first time!

GIRL ON THE RUN (1953, B/W, 66 Minutes): A hootchy-kootchy whodunit set at a small seedy carnival where a reporter tries to discover who killed his boss while his girlfriend inexplicably joins the burlesque show! Pure carny-noir.

THE NAKED ROAD (1959, B/W, 74 Minutes): When a woman is left with a corrupt Judge as collateral for a speeding ticket (say what?!), a Good Samaritan bails her out... then holds her prisoner as a future sex slave in this utterly off-kilter, truly weird Weird-Noir.

THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT (1961, B/W, 82 Minutes): A preacher with amnesia and the power to heal (!) quickly plunges into the gutter when his ex-girlfriend-with-a-grudge shows up to blackmail him in this marvelous pulp mix of sex, revenge, and outright obsession!

FEAR NO MORE (1961, B/W, 78 Minutes): Accused of killing a woman on a train, Sharon Carlin runs home to find another corpse there too!

FALLGUY (1962, B/W, 62 Minutes): Hot shot teen Sonny Martin stops to help the victim of an auto accident but quickly realizes he's stepped into a murder in progress.

STARK FEAR (1962, B/W, 85 Minutes): After the abusive husband of cult fave Beverly Garland disappears, you'd think she'd celebrate. Instead, she tries to find the bum and, as expected, things get worse.

These six movies celebrate the oddities that lurk in every city, and in every one of us! They introduce a genre that has been kept in the dark for too long: Weird-Noir!


Contest! Win WARRIORS OF THE RAINBOW: SEEDIQ BALE Blu-ray!

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Produced by John Woo, In the mountains of Taiwan, two races clashed in defense of their faiths. One believed in rainbows, the other believed in the sun. Neither side realized they both believed in the same sky. Wei Te-Sheng's epic film WARRIORS OF THE RAINBOW: SEEDIQ BALE retells an extraordinary episode from 20th-century history which is little-known, even in Taiwan. Between 1895 and 1945, a Japanese colony inhabited the island and subdued the aboriginal tribes who first settled the land. Seediq leader Mouna Rudo (Lin Ching-Tai) forged a coalition with other tribal leaders and plotted a rebellion against their Japanese colonial masters. The initial uprising took the Japanese by surprise, but they soon sent in their army to crush the rebellion, using aircraft and poison gas. The most expensive Taiwanese film ever made, WARRIORS OF THE RAINBOW: SEEDIQ BALE is written and directed by Wei Te-Sheng, whose romantic comedy CAPE NO. 7 received numerous awards and accolades.

 And we're giving away three copies of Warriors of The Rainbow: Seediq Bale on Blu-ray!


To enter, please send an email with the subject header "WARRIORS OF THE RAINBOW" to geekcontest @ gmail dot com and answer the following question:


This 1993 Van Damme film marked producer John Woo's first American production?

Please include your name and address (U.S. Residents only. You must be 18 years old).

Only one entry per person and a winner will be chosen at random.

Contest ends at 11:59 PM EST on August 26th, 2012.


Read An Excerpt of Christian Cantrell's CONTAINMENT!

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This week 47North released Containment by Christian Cantrell and we're proud to present a 5,000+ word excerpt of this smart, character-driven debut novel that PW praised as a “technically detailed, hard-SF look at possible planetary colonization… a thoughtful visualization of a possible future for humankind.” 

This book is an intelligent, forward-looking story of interplanetary colonization (and the possible realistic challenges the first generation of colonists might face) that’s also incredibly timely, with the attention of every hard science geek on the Mars rover Curiosity and its extraordinary mission on the Red planet.

Check out the excerpt after the jump.

Easter Egg

Although Arik was home from the Doc Pod, he still had to go in several times a week for physical therapy. He was only going into the Life Pod a few days a week now, partially because of headaches, partially because of Cadie. When they were both at work at the same time, they kept the polymeth wall between their offices opaque, and they made it a point to check to see if the other one was in the dome before going in themselves. If Arik was there during lunch, he usually brought Cadie a boxed meal, but after she thanked him, he carried his own back to his office and ate alone.

Arik swallowed two pain pills then dimmed the wall lights in his home office to ease the stress on his eyes. He brought his workspace up on the wall and immediately noticed the string of characters in the lower right-hand corner of the polymeth:

2519658000000 922.76 40.002 DELTA

His initial thought was that nothing was going to boot because of an unrecoverable error in the shell program, but when his workspace appeared just as he'd left it the night before, he assumed Fai's team was just doing some debugging on the live system. V1CC (the V1 Computing Cloud) was usually capable of debugging itself either proactively by using idle CPU cycles to look for potential errors in byte code, or in real time by verifying processor instructions as they were being executed. But sometimes humans were just smart enough to introduce bugs that even computers couldn't catch, which meant they had be tracked down manually.

Most software engineers resented having to manually debug code. It was considered a waste of their time, a task that was beneath senior engineers and architects, which meant that it was usually delegated to those with less seniority. But Arik actually enjoyed debugging. He found the process stimulating, even rewarding. Most errors were predictable and relatively easy to fix, but occasionally an anomaly was so complex and subtle and elegant that tracking it down and holding it all in your head at once actually pushed you to the edges of your comprehension. Sometimes fully and completely grasping both a problem and its solution simultaneously felt like stopping time.
To Arik, these moments were euphoric.

The message remained in the corner of his workspace for the next several hours, and Arik became increasingly curious. It wasn't uncommon to see diagnostic output for a few seconds or maybe even a few minutes while someone tried to track down a problem with the live system, but he'd never seen something like this remain visible for an entire day. He was thinking of contacting someone in the Code Pod when he got a video message from his father asking him if he had time to look into what he called the "anomalous string" that was appearing in the corner of everyone's workspace. Darien seemed to be in a hurry, and sent off the message without any additional information or details. Arik looked at the time and realized that Cadie would be home from work within the hour. He knew that they would have to discuss the baby very soon, but now that he had a new problem that needed solving, it wouldn't have to be tonight.

Arik wondered why the request to debug the problem had come from his father. Darien was a chemical and structural engineer. He headed up the Wet Pod and had designed several of the buildings in V1. Like all engineers, he knew computers well, but he didn't have any obvious stake in bugs in the shell program. He was good friends with Fai, however, which suggested to Arik that Fai had probably asked Darien for his son's help. Fai would have been too proud to ask Arik for help directly, and Arik imagined that the circuitous request through his father was still presented more as the Technology Department simply not having the time or resources to be distracted by such a trivial issue. But if the request did in fact originate from Fai, that meant the message was not simply diagnostic output, but probably a series of error codes that were unusual enough that nobody in the Code Pod had any idea what they meant.

Arik stood up in front of the polymeth wall and stretched while bringing up the source code for the shell program. He had been taking pain medication all day, and he needed to stand and move around the room in order to clear his head and stay focused.

Before he even had a chance to begin his debugging ritual, he recognized the first number in the error code, 2519658000000, as a date. Since computers weren't inherently able to distinguish one absolute date from another, they used relative dates expressed as some unit of time since a known epoch. V1CC inherited the ancient convention of expressing moments in time as the number of milliseconds since midnight on January 1, 1970. Since numbers like 2.5 quadrillion didn't come up very often in day-to-day computing tasks, when they did, it was usually safe to assume that they were machine-readable dates. And since the last six digits were all zeros, Arik could even tell that the number probably pointed either to exactly noon, or exactly midnight.

The date was most likely what programmers referred to as a "time stamp." Error codes almost always came with time stamps so whoever was debugging the problem could figure out exactly how long ago it happened, or could try to recreate the conditions that led to the problem. But when Arik did the math of subtracting the error code's time stamp from a time stamp representing the current time, he was surprised to find that the result was a negative number. The computer wasn't reporting a problem that occurred in the past; it was predicting an error 2.75 days in the future.

Although computer models were used to predict the probability of errors and failures all the time, as far as Arik knew, V1CC was not programmed to perform predictive diagnostics on itself. It was far more likely that the computer's clock had wandered prior to printing out the message, or was even wandering now. As powerful as computers were, left to their own devices, they were astonishingly lousy timekeepers. In order to keep their internal clocks accurate, they needed frequent calibration. Every ninety minutes, V1CC received a signal from a satellite that passed overhead which contained one of the most accurate clocks ever built. The clock used twelve lasers to monitor the optical light emitted by the electrons in a single atom of ytterbium. Counting the tiny pulses of light allowed the clock to break a second down into almost a quadrillion parts. By the time the sun burned through most of its hydrogen gas and expanded to the point that all life in the solar system was destroyed, the ytterbium clock would have likely strayed less than one second. Of course, for V1CC to benefit from the accuracy of their micro-gravitational optical atomic clock, it would have to successfully receive the time calibration signal.

Arik instinctively checked his watch, which consisted of two separate dials: a digital module that calibrated with V1CC, and an analog mechanical movement that used a steel spring, rotor, gear train, escapement, and about two hundred additional parts to keep time to within about a second a day without relying on any external power source or time calibration signal whatsoever. Although mechanical watch movements were mostly favored by obsessive and anachronistic hobbyists, several of the computer scientists in V1 found them useful for keeping tabs on V1CC. There was no way a mechanical watch could detect a fraction of a second drift in V1CC's timekeeping, but it could detect a loss or gain of time adding up to a couple of minutes or more. When things like the life-support system relied on the computer maintaining almost perfect time, and the computer relied on an atomic clock orbiting twelve thousand kilometers above the surface of the planet, it seemed like a good idea to have some kind of an isolated analog backup.

But both times on Arik's watch agreed to within a few seconds, and a quick review of the logs showed that V1CC had only missed a handful of time calibrations in Arik's entire lifetime, the last one being over four and a half years ago. Whatever the time stamp meant, it was probably accurate.
Arik ran the shell program inside of another program that could trace the rendering of each pixel back to the exact line of code that initiated the drawing instruction. He drew a rectangular debug region around the message in the lower right-hand corner of his workspace, and restarted the shell. He found that the message was being rendered by a little over a hundred lines of code interspersed throughout the shell's source, nestled in among other similar lines of rendering code with such apparent randomness that it had to have been done intentionally. Each component of the message was calculated using a long and complex equation. Some of the variables in the equations were even random numbers, yet each formula was orchestrated in such a way as to somehow compensate, always yielding the exact same result.

Now that Arik was sure that the message was intentionally injected into the shell program, he believed it had to be an attempt to communicate with someone inside of V1—very possibly him. He looked at the second and third numbers again, and now that he had a fresh perspective, he recognized them instantly. They were radio frequencies. The first frequency, 922.76 MHz, was what the Earth Radio Pod used to communicate with the satellites that relayed signals to and from Earth, and 40.002 MHz was the frequency that V1 used to communicate with the ERP. The ERP was isolated from V1 so that in the event of a catastrophic accident, it might still remain functional. It was a small structure only large enough for one or two people, and it was located a full kilometer south of V1 where it was well out of range of fires or shrapnel should the unthinkable occur. It had its own computer system, power supply, and miniature life-support system based on tanks of compressed air. The only connection between V1 and the ERP was the 40.002 MHz radio link.

Two radio frequencies and a date three days in the future suggested to Arik that the message wasn't so much a message in and of itself as it was instructions on where and when to find the real message. The problem was that Arik wasn't able to listen in on either of those two frequencies. All communications to and from Earth were highly secured using encryption algorithms that Arik would be hard-pressed to break anytime in the next decade, even with a multi-core electron computer. That, Arik believed, was what explained the word "DELTA." In the context of radio communication, "delta" was usually used in place of the letter "D," however an alternative interpretation—the variation of a variable or function, or the difference between two values—seemed to make much more sense. The difference between the two encrypted frequencies was 882.758 MHz—a frequency which, as far as Arik knew, wasn't being used for anything, and which he should be able to easily tune in to using the V1 frequency scanner.

By this time, Arik was simultaneously disturbed and intrigued by the fact that he was almost positive the message was intended for him. He was also fairly certain that it was either a trick being played on him by a friend of his in the Code Pod, or possibly a test arranged by Dr. Nguyen or Priyanka to make sure Arik was still up to the task of solving AP. He checked the source control system's logs to see who was responsible for the changes to the shell program, and was astounded to find that all of the revisions had been attributed to him.

This was almost certainly not a joke. Embedding "Easter eggs" in code for fun and covering your tracks was one thing, but attributing changes to another user was much more difficult, and in the case of Arik's account, very nearly impossible for anyone except maybe Fai himself. Not only did Arik use the standard DNA identification protocol, but he was probably the only one in V1 who combined biometric identification with gesture identification. Gesture identification required that unique shapes or patterns be drawn in order to verify someone's identity. Even if someone had figured out how to spoof his biometric signature, his gesture ID was complex enough that it couldn't be guessed, and since he almost always used his BCI to draw it, it was unlikely that someone could have covertly recorded it, or deduced it from marks or prints left on a piece of polymeth. The likelihood that Arik's account had been compromised was extremely low.

It was far more likely that Arik's memory of hiding the Easter egg had been destroyed either by the accident, or in the surgery afterwards, and that the message was an attempt to pass along information to himself in the future. The theory made perfect sense except for one thing: it implied that he had somehow been able to predict the accident.


Conception

Arik felt like his hearing had become more sensitive since the accident. Even from outside the bedroom, he could tell that Cadie had just closed her workstation. Conductive polymeth was supposed to be completely silent, but Arik's ears could pick up the infinitesimal vibrations of the excited molecules entombed deep in the thick plastic. It resonated throughout the pod just above the threshold of perception, and he usually wasn't even aware that he was hearing it until it suddenly stopped. Perhaps his hearing had somehow improved, or perhaps Arik was so intent on avoiding Cadie now that he'd simply become much more attuned to her actions. Cadie turned the wall lights out and slid down in bed, and now Arik could hear her trying to find a comfortable position for her unfamiliar body.

He got up and stood in the doorway. Cadie was hugging a long latex foam pillow that went under her swollen belly and between her legs. She sensed him watching her and rolled over.

"What's wrong?"

"Before you came home tonight, I was working on something."

"What?"

"I'm not sure. But I think it was something important."

"The error codes?"

"They weren't error codes," Arik said. "I think it's a message."

"From who?"

Arik paused before he answered. He was still trying to make sense of it himself. "From me."

"From you? What do you mean?"

"I think I sent myself a message before the accident."

"What does it mean?"

"I don't know yet." He paused in a way that indicated that he wasn't finished, but didn't quite know how to go on. "But I think once I figure it out, everything is going to change. I think we need to talk about the baby."

Cadie watched Arik for a moment in the dark, then pulled herself up and leaned against the headboard. She drew her legs up to make room on the bed, and Arik sat down. Neither of them reached for the light.

They each waited for the other to start. Arik had constructed this conversation in his mind dozens of times since he'd returned home from the hospital, and he knew that there was no way to avoid asking Cadie one simple and direct question:

"It isn't mine, is it?"

"It's complicated."

"It isn't complicated. We both know it isn't mine."

Arik's eyes were adjusting to the dark, and he could see Cadie watching him carefully.

"We need to talk about more than just the baby."

"It's Cam's, isn't it?"

"I need you to listen to me. I need to tell you something, and I need to start from the beginning."
Arik could see that Cadie had rehearsed this. He understood his wife well enough to know that she would have to do this in her own way.

"OK."

She took a moment to prepare herself. She looked down and watched her hands while she spoke.
"We all thought you were going to die," she said. "Your father contacted me at the Life Pod and told me to meet him here. When I got here, he said you'd been involved in a very serious accident, and that without surgical assistance from Earth, they didn't think you'd live."

Arik had never even seen Cadie cry before—at least not as an adult. The way her features changed, and the way she moved her head to the side and her straight black hair fell beside her cheeks, made her look like an entirely different person. It suddenly occurred to Arik what an incredibly sheltered life they had all lived up until now. They had never lost a family member or a friend, and until Arik's accident, nobody they knew had ever been seriously injured. There weren't even any pets in V1 to run away, or to get old and die. Living in such a carefully controlled environment had a tempering effect designed to keep emotions as well balanced as the atmosphere.

"The next day, Priyanka came to see me. He said there wasn't a lot of time, and that if we were going to save any part of you, we were going to have to act quickly. He said I had a responsibility to V1."
"A responsibility to do what?"

Cadie looked up. "To replace you."

"Why would I need to be replaced?"

"You have no idea who and what you really are, do you?"

"What are you talking about, Cadie?"

"I'm talking about your purpose," she said. "You were born to solve problems that no other human being can solve. All of us were."

"Who's all of us?"

"Gen V," Cadie said. She wiped her eyes and took a deep breath. "Our parents were selected. Our genes were selected. We were taught math and biology and physics and computers and every other science practically since the day we were born. We knew the scientific method before we could even feed ourselves. Everything from the formula we were given to the amount and types of stimulation we got to the games we played were all designed to make us the best problem solvers the world had ever seen."

"We were raised by engineers and scientists," Arik said. "Of course we were taught to solve problems. I doubt we were raised any differently from kids on Earth with parents like ours. In fact, kids on Earth have access to a lot more resources than we do. Their education is probably much better than ours."

"Arik, think about it. V1 is an entirely isolated and controlled environment. Food, oxygen, stimulation, genetics, even lighting. Everything here is controlled. There are no distractions, and there are no options. Our housing is taken care of for us. Our meals are taken care of for us. Our careers were assigned to us. Even our marriages were practically arranged. Whether we like it or not, our lives are entirely dedicated to nothing but scientific advancement."

Arik knew everything Cadie was saying was true, but he had never thought of his upbringing as being in any way malicious or exploitive. It was no secret that they were being groomed to inherit V1—to help improve and expand the colony—but Arik had always thought of this expectation as a privilege.
"What do they want us to do?"

"Expand, of course," Cadie said. "Colonize the rest of Venus, then the rest of the solar system, then other solar systems, and eventually other galaxies."

"That's not even possible," Arik blurted out. "You're not making any sense."

"It all makes perfect sense. The human race has already learned how dangerous it is have our entire population on a single planet. It's far too vulnerable. If we don't destroy ourselves, we'll eventually be destroyed by a comet or an asteroid, or some sort of solar prominence, or a nearby gamma ray burst, or a pandemic. There are an infinite number of scenarios that could lead to human extinction. Everyone agrees it's not a question of if—it's a question of when. The GSA has one single directive: preserve the human race by promoting self-sustaining colonies throughout the solar system, galaxy, and the universe. And they can't do that without us."

"Cadie, you're talking about technology that's hundreds or even thousands of years away, if it's even possible at all. It's completely unrealistic. We've barely left Earth, and we're already struggling."
"It's not technology that limits us. We're the limitation. Our technology is an expression of our intelligence and creativity, so the limitations of our technology are a reflection of our own limitations. We can't fundamentally advance technology until we fundamentally advance ourselves. That's what Gen V is all about."

"But the whole point of technology is to push us beyond our own limitations and capabilities. That's why we have computers that can perform calculations quadrillions of times faster than the human brain."

"Arik, you know as well as anyone that computers are capable of far more than even the most complex tasks we give them. Computers aren't limited by hardware. They're limited by the software that humans write. That's why you're so important. I don't think you realize this, but you're already considered one of the best computer scientists in history. At your age, you're already far beyond Fai, and nobody here or on Earth can use a BCI like you. You have the potential to solve problems that nobody else has even dreamed of solving—that nobody else can even conceptualize. V1 needs you more than you realize. The GSA needs you. When Kelley talks about the Pinnacle of Human Achievement, he's mostly talking about you, Arik."

Arik watched her for a moment in the dark. "Priyanka told you all this?"

Cadie nodded. Arik looked down at the bed. He could feel his reality shifting as he began to grasp what Cadie was telling him. Everything she said made sense. In fact, on some level, he felt like he already knew most of it. If the Founders had tried to conceal their plans for Gen V, they had concealed them in plain sight. To see them, you only had to look at the big picture, to broaden your perspective, to stop looking at time in terms of weeks, months, or years, and to start thinking in terms of generations. To really understand your own place in history, you needed to be able to see yourself in the past tense.

Arik felt like he should be angry, but the clarity he was starting to experience felt positive and somehow empowering. He was starting to feel focused, and to realize a new and tangible sense of purpose. But there was also the sense that he was considered nothing more than a resource—that he would only be allowed to reach his full potential in areas that happened to align with V1's best interests. Arik knew there was more in what Cadie was telling him—more for them to discuss and explore—but all of that would have to wait.

"Tell me about the baby."

Cadie took a deep breath and continued. "Priyanka brought me a DNA sample. He said if we could recover some part of you, nothing would have been lost but time.”

"Priyanka?" Arik interjected. He recalled his discussion with Priyanka before he'd been allowed to leave the hospital, and specifically the way he'd brought up the baby.

"Arik, you have to understand that I didn't do it for him, or for V1, or for the GSA. I did it for me. You're all I have. If you died, I'd be completely alone for the rest of my life. Can you understand that?"

"But what did you do, Cadie?"

"I created our baby."

Arik stared at her across the bed. He was shaking his head. "What are you saying?"

"I used an infection," Cadie said. "A virus. I used your DNA to create our baby."

"How?"

"Listen," Cadie said. Arik could see that she was changing roles and starting to talk to him now as a biologist rather than his wife. She leaned toward him. "Most people think of viruses as parasites, but they aren't parasites at all. An organism has to be considered alive to be classified as a parasite. Viruses don't do any of things living organisms do. They don't grow, they can't move on their own, and they don't metabolize. They don't even have cells. But the one thing a virus is very good at is reproducing. When it finds a suitable host cell, it attaches itself and injects its DNA through the cell's plasma wall. The virus's genes are transcribed into the host cell's DNA, and the host cell's genetic code is rewritten. Whatever its job was before, its new job is to do nothing but produce copies of the original virus, usually until it's created so many that the cell bursts open and spreads the infection."
"What does this have to do with the baby?"

"Everything," Cadie said. "Because the thing about viruses is that they're easily manipulated. The DNA they inject doesn't have to be destructive. It can be replaced with almost any kind of DNA you want, and it can be programmed to only replace certain parts of the host's genetic code. In other words, viruses are perfect vectors for genetic engineering."

Arik could see where she was going. "But you'd have to have an embryo first, wouldn't you?"

"Not an embryo," Cadie said. "By that time, it's too late. You need a zygote. A zygote gets half of its genetic material from the mother and the other half from the father. Before the zygote becomes an embryo, you have a short window of time in which you can make genetic modifications. And the best way to make those modifications is to let a genetically engineered virus make them for you. Do you understand?"

Arik nodded. He was following what Cadie was telling him, but still not entirely comprehending the implications.

"Arik," Cadie said, "the baby started out as Cam's, but it's as much yours now as if we conceived it ourselves."

She waited for Arik's reaction, but he was completely still. He didn't know what to feel. It occurred to him that human emotion had not evolved quickly enough to keep up with what mankind's scientific capabilities demanded of it. Sometimes the tiny components that made up an experience just didn't fit in to existing emotional receptors, and the result was simply numbness.

"Arik," Cadie said, "the baby is yours. It's ours."

"Did you test the DNA Priyanka gave you?"

"No, because I didn't use it," Cadie said. "I used your DNA from ODSTAR instead. It was the only way I could be sure it was yours. I had to destroy the project, but it worked. She's a perfectly healthy baby girl. She's our baby girl."

Cadie's tearful smile was all Arik needed to tell him how to feel. For the first time, he reached out and touched his child. Cadie took his fingers away, pulled up her gown, and held his hand firmly against her flesh.

Arik looked up from Cadie's belly. "She's going to have that image of Earth inside her forever. Blue Marble. Like a genetic tattoo."

"I know," Cadie said. "I think it's beautiful. Wherever she ends up, whatever ends up happening to her, she'll always have something inside of her that no one can take away."







The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
Originally published by Christian Cantrell in 2010
47North first edition, 2012
Text copyright © 2010 Christian Cantrell
All rights reserved.
Printed in the United States of America.
No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without express written permission of the publisher.

Published by 47North
P.O. Box 400818
Las Vegas, NV 89140

ISBN-13: 9781612183626
ISBN-10: 161218362X


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