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OLD SKOOL JOURNALING JUST GOT EPIC: Evernote Teams With Moleskine to Bring Your "Feelings Journal" Into the Future

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Yes I know everyone seems to have a blog these days filled with feelings and other crap that no one but you wants to read, but that doesn't mean some of us older folks don't jones for a diary fix every now and then and wish we could combine the old way of writing about our love for Nathan Fillion in pink ink with the convenience of current technology.

And, why look here, the popular Moleskin journal has teamed up with tech company Evernote to help put that weird longing together!

Basically it involves special paper, an app and a bunch of "smart" stickers. Here's the description from the website:  

Fill this book with ideas and sketches, then let the Evernote mobile app bring them to your computer, phone and tablet with a simple snapshot. 

Take a photo of any page in this book with Evernote's new Page Camera feature and it instantly becomes digital so that you can save it, search it and share it with the world. This book contains specially formatted paper, designed specifically for use with Evernote.

And it's priced at only $24.95 so it's not going to break the bank if you so desire to share with the world your handwritten Malcolm in the Middle Slash Fiction .

Let's hope the web is soon filled with copies of journal pages decorated with various shaped penises.

Source: Uncrate



First Clip From BATMAN: THE DARK KNIGHT RETURNS PART 1

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Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part 1, the next entry in the popular, ongoing series of DC Universe Animated Original Movies, is produced by Warner Premiere, DC Entertainment and Warner Bros. Animation. The all-new, PG-13 rated film arrives September 25, 2012 from Warner Home Video as a Blu-ray™ Combo Pack and DVD, On Demand and for Download. The Blu-ray™ Combo Pack will include UltraViolet™.


Email Is Not Broken

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There has been a trend recently of bashing email.  

It’s all the rage these days to proclaim that email is “broken” or needs to be “tamed” or even that email needs to go away and be replaced with something new.

I couldn’t disagree more.

First of all, email is already tamed.  Spam filters are better than ever.  Every major email app and every major webmail service has fantastic auto-sorting filters baked in, and they work fantastically.

Email was, and still is, a brilliant innovation.  It’s simplicity and durability are without question.  


It’s still around for a reason.  It just works.




It’s also an open standard, which is vital, and which allows for it to work cross-platform, across devices, services, etc.

It has also come to serve as a universal digital identity for most people, which is a feature that goes beyond it’s original, simple messaging utility.  We use our primary email address to tie into all of our other online services.

If email didn’t exist, we’d be clamoring for it.

What can replace email?  A walled garden like the old days of AOL, or the brave new world of Facebook and Twitter?  Where everyone must belong to the same service in order to communicate with each other?

Again, the beauty of email being an open standard allows users the freedom to breach these walled gardens.

I’m not saying that attempts shouldn’t be made to improve email, or the experience of email.  Innovation is innovation.  If something better and previously unimaginable is invented by a genius, so be it.

But to me, the necessity for an email replacement does not exist.

Google made an admirable attempt with Google Wave.  Which functioned like a walled garden, yet was open.  It’s died, but it showed promise.  What killed Google Wave was it’s complexity, and frankly, despite it’s interesting feature set, it wasn’t enough to lure people away from old fashioned email.


 
Simplicity usually wins.  For a reason.

Email isn’t broken, has already been tamed, and it isn’t going anywhere.


Damning with Faint Praise: DOGHOUSE

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This 2009 bit of misogynistic British zombie mayhem is 48% fresh on Rotten Tomatoes, where 48% of the audience report liking it.

It has no Metacritic score.


Synopsis
Vince (Stephen Graham, who played Tommy the Tit in Snatch) has just gotten a divorce. His friends Neil (Danny Dyer, who’s famous for stuff I haven't seen), Mikey (Noel Clarke, who played Micky on Doctor Who, so his character name is an in-joke), Graham, Matt, and Patrick decide to cheer him up (another friend, Bansky the Lovable Loser, will catch up with them).


They’re going to take Vince out of London, where he’s miserable, to the tiny village of Moodley. They plan to hole up in Mikey’s Nan’s house, drink beer and watch a bit of footy on the telly. Except that there’s no one in Moodley, when they arrive…


Verdict
Shaun of the Dead it ain’t. There's gore and more after the break - in case the video didn't make that perfectly clear.

Of course, you never really expect much from independent zombie movies, right?

Well, let’s start with the basics and see what happens.

First we need to acknowledge the elephant in the room: This is a movie about men beating up women. Granted, the men are defending themselves against female zombies, but that doesn’t change the basic message. That concept is a deep hole for a movie to dig itself out of.



We definitely have characters, in a context. It’s contemporary Britain, where cannibalistic demonic women don’t normally exist. The characters get sketched in quickly. One’s a geek, one’s gay, one’s a lady’s man, one’s divorced, one’s a neglectful husband, and one’s way too into golf as a method of spiritual self-realization.

We get it.

In fact, the film sets us up not to like the characters, with the possible exception of Vince. We know we’re going to watch a zombie movie, so the characters can be jerks as long as they’re entertaining jerks. In fact, the worse they are, the more we look forward to their inevitable demise at the hands of the zombies…or their repentance and reinvention as noble heroes.



Sadly, Doghouse fails to deliver that last part, although the cast is big enough that many of the guys can get chomped on by Moodley’s female residents without the movie ending prematurely.

I’ll go into more detail after we review the three-act story structure.



In the case of a zombie movie, Act I is really the establishing act. We meet the characters, learn the context, and introduce the zombies only at the climactic transition to Act II.

One of the brilliant things about Shaun of the Dead is the way it transitions between Act I and Act II, and how it decouples the transition from the characters’ Ghost Ship Moment (the moment when their understanding of their situation catches up with the audience’s understanding).

In Act II, the characters in a zombie movie run for their lives. They learn more about the zombies. They suffer casualties. At some point, they choose a course of action, fight or flight. That sets Act III into motion.



We know (because we’re all super smart, and you’ve all been reading every single one of my columns religiously – I know you’re out there, I can hear you breathing) that each transition from act to act comes with an increase in tension.

In a zombie movie, the increase in tension leading into Act II is simply the existence of flesh-eating monsters. That change in context, and immediate threat to our characters, spikes the tension the level if the filmmakers are doing their jobs at all well.

Doghouse handles this well. The zombies are unexpected, confusing, and an immediate threat to our characters.



The increase leading into Act III should come from worse/more monsters or a loss of resources (losing a safe haven, losing the chance of rescue, losing transportation, losing weapons, or even running out of time). Sometimes, in a zombie movie, this increase comes from having to fight zombie versions of loved ones who died earlier in the movie. Other times it comes from tension within the group of survivors, who differ on how to survive the zombies.

Here, Doghouse stumbles again. Once it establishes the zombies, they’ve got nowhere else to go. They try to make things worse by having the cannibals mutate, but we don’t care. The characters hear that their worst nightmares are in the woods outside Moodley, but they movie never backs that up.



That makes two main flaws in the basics of Doghouse.

First, Jake West and Dan Schaffer (director and writer, respectively), can’t decide on their sexual politics. If the characters were unapologetically sexist, the film could go one of two ways and get away with it.

The misogyny could cost them. Treating women poorly, underestimating women, or taking sexual advantage of women could get them killed. That would be politically correct enough.

Alternately, the movie could celebrate its misogyny, baiting the PC police and rising to the level of satire. It could run straight over the top, spit on the sign that says “Too Far,” and keep right on going.



Sadly for us, Doghouse chickens out in both respects.

Like you, I realize that the alternative is to have richer, more developed characters. Rather than sketching in that they are chauvinist pigs, we’d have to see what brought them to their current state. Even when we see wives yelling at the characters in Doghouse, our sympathy is with the wives. They’re not shrews. They’re right to be mad at the man-boys they married.

In other words, we’d have to change the characters and the context. Make the characters beaten by life and pushed into further misery by the women in their lives. Then, when they have to beat up female zombies, they’re asserting themselves as human beings and reaching for some dignity.

Doghouse isn’t that kind of movie.


Doghouse also fails to increase tension beyond the appearance of the zombies.

In fact, I think that most of the criticism leveled against Doghouse comes from the mess the film makes of the sexual politics. No one points out the great special-effects, make-up, and prosthetics. They criticize the acting, which is grossly unfair and just demonstrates the critics haven’t watched a truly bad movie in a long time. Seriously, guys – watch a SyFy original some time. Doghouse’s acting is Oscar-worthy compared to most of those turkeys.

Doghouse is the kind of movie that you watch with your mates on a Friday night with a belly full of beer and cheap take-out, while the women in your lives are out on the town. It’s fast-paced, simple, and entertaining – if you’re too drunk, or too insensitive, for the men-beating-up-women imagery to bother you.

Personally, I’d rather watch Shaun of the Dead or Lesbian Vampire Killers.


Back to School Night Part I—Xavier’s School For Gifted Youngsters

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When I was a kid, September was like getting the kiss of death from a mob boss. 

All of that fun you were having during summer vacation? 

Gone. 

All those things you didn’t get to do? 

Get over it, they were dead on the vine, BWAHAHAHA!

And perhaps the worst thing about it was that Back to School time began to creep into the last few weeks of August as my mother would forcibly drag me shopping and I’d scramble to do the assignments my sadist teachers gave me more than two whole months to do but I absolutely had to wait until the night before to take a look at.

But now I’m an adult, and I don’t have a summer vacation to be interrupted by silly things like an education.  Hell, I haven’t had more than a day or two to myself since the Clinton administration.  No, instead now I’ve become spiteful and jealous and see the kids returning to school, dejected and confused, and I giggle.

Because, hey, it ain’t me. 

Clearly, Phineas and Ferb don’t realize that what they’re going to do today
is go the hell back to school, that’s what.

Like me, my favorite heroes in the X-Men had to deal with the rigors of going to school but I’d be lying if I said I totally didn’t want to go to Xavier’s School For Gifted Youngsters while I was growing up. 


Sure, part of it was because I was a prepubescent boy intrigued by the women in tight spandex or barely there “uniforms.”  But a big part of it was that it was a school where no matter how weird you might actually be, you were a member of the team and fully accepted, even getting to go on missions to save the world.

That sure beat Our Lady of Solace Elementary School, I’ll tell you that much.

I went here for NINE years and got to save the world exactly ZERO times.

Founded by Professor Charles Xavier and situated less than an hour north of Manhattan, the school was where young mutants learned to cope with their abilities, to train in the event that they were called upon to defend one another and humanity, and also to learn subject material taught in most other schools.

While in order to be considered a school in the legal sense by the state of New York it clearly had to have some sort of accreditation, it was pretty clear that academics were more of an afterthought.

Sure, there were scenes featuring various X-Men at one time or another doing homework or talking about a difficult exam coming up, as well as references to those whacky times where Xavier made them give their book reports orally to ferret out cheaters, but most of the “testing” we saw involved rigorous and horrifyingly dangerous ones in the aptly named Danger Room.

How many guys saw “orally” and automatically pictured her?
Get your minds out of the gutter!

How any of these students ever got a chance to obtain legitimate degrees—and obviously some did because Beast has multiple doctorates, and Kitty Pryde was a collegiate whiz—is beyond me considering the disproportionate amount of time they spent fighting holograms of their greatest enemies or flying around the world, or even galaxy, for days or weeks at a time.

Then there was the whole getting blown up thing that plagued the school.  It had tons of amenities and technological wonders but never once did Forge or anyone decide to build an anti-blowing up device.

The X-Men had good toys, but only her holograms
were truly, truly outrageous.

Whether it was an alien menace, the Juggernaut, or Mr. Sinister—twice—the X-Men’s adversaries proved the walls of the school to be the equivalent of fancy tissue paper way too many times for the Board of Education to not have stopped by and gone, “All right, look.  What the hell do you people do here?!”

As the X-Men got older, Xavier changed the name to the Xavier Institute for Higher Learning, but the mission statement remained the same and when Cassandra Nova impersonated Xaiver during Morrison’s run, the school’s population increased substantially and even got to host its own student led riot.

Still, I’ve seen odder things in Bronx public schools…

Eventually, a massive battle with Sinister and the Marauders during Messiah CompleX left the school in ruins and the team relocated to the West Coast, but the original school, since renamed—we’ll get to that story in a few weeks—still remains an important part of the X-Men mythos, the place where Xavier gave frightened and ostracized young mutants a chance at an education they’d otherwise most likely have been denied due to prejudice while simultaneously making them into the heroes the world needed.

Who knows how many of them could have been villains had they not had the proper guidance and had Xavier not chosen to realize his dream for mutant-human coexistence in the form of a place of acceptance and education?

But he wasn’t the only option open to new mutants, and there was another school in New England that would become the Red Sox to Xavier’s Yankees, and we’ll be heading there next week…

The Massachusetts Academy and the Xavier School
had a wicked rivalry…




We Can't Handle The Truth?

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Hey Hollywood,

How are you?  

Hug it out? 

I saw Shadowdancer recently, a film about the troubles in Northern Ireland during the 90’s, and I fear it won’t translate easily to your main target audience. 

It makes little effort to provide historical or social context. There is no white text on black background at the start fading from dissolve to set the scene, full of dates and acronyms. There is no explanation of how the conflict between the IRA and the British Government came to be, or what impasse it is in as we join leading lady, Andrea Riseborough, planting a bomb on the London Underground in 1993.



I do not know whether this is because the film, a low budget affair co starring Gillian Anderson and Clive Owen, imagines it’s main commerce will be home grown and therefore already clued up, or whether it expects an audience to self educate itself before or after the film.  Or they may feel a story of political and religious strife, played out within the confines of a small community, contains themes that are universal. I suspect the latter.

The film focuses on Riseborough’s internal struggle as she spies on her family in Northern Ireland, in exchange for the protection of her son. It shows the audience how far people will go in order to protect what is most precious to them, whether it is their children or their beliefs, rather then delving deeply into the who/what/why of the conflict.


Regardless, it is a bold and somewhat defiant move, which is complimentary towards the audience and the success of the film lies in the fact it will be as powerful, beautiful and well acted to someone who knows the history, as to someone who doesn’t. 

Providing no back-story for a film based on a historical event is a hard feat to pull off, as the audience hits the ground running and it’s the filmmakers job to keep them intrigued, rather then distracted as they fill in the blanks. You do not want an audience accessing diluted internal wikipedia entries and missing the purposeful presentation of events by the director.

Any film that sets itself in a time of recent upheaval and strife where the victims of said conflict are still alive must also tread carefully.

If it is a small-scale human drama, it should show its characters objectively and believably rather then painting them with the broad strokes of right and wrong.  Good historical films should depict complex characters, and not simply tell audiences who is good and who is bad, even in hind sight. They should paint the complexities of day to day existence in times of horror and desperation, so the audience can understand it from all angles.

A film such as Downfall about the last few days of Hitler did that very well, depicting him as a tragic figure who swings rapidly between paranoia and stunning denial. We do not need to be told he is bad or evil by the filmmakers (you would hope some things do not need to be said), instead they show us the broken empire and mind he was left with. And it's a pretty hard watch. 

But in saying all this, some historical events should try either stick closely to the facts, or at least have disclosures that they should be viewed with a pinch of salt. Particularly for events that aren't widely known before they are bought to the big screen in the epic format, or star Mel Gibson. There are some people stupid enough to think his interpretation of William Wallace’s role in the Wars of Scottish Independence should be taken as red. 


In the melodramatic film Braveheart, several key events where changed for plot purposes. For example Wallace fathering Edward the III with Queen Isabelle when she would have been a baby at the time of his existence seems unlikely.

You would hope.

But worse, and more then that, Gibson just seems so smug doesn’t he? Like he got off sexually about the whole thing. "Who is the bravest martyr in the whole goddamn world! Mel Gi.. I mean William Wallace." 

Know your audience Hollywood and post disclaimers if you’re going to distort historical facts so. Or at least don’t take away from the efforts of the real heroes by changing important details to make it fit seamlessly into a three act drama, as though it was all that black and white. 

Or just have a disclaimer stating: "The star of this film is doing this for all the wrong reasons."

Love,

Ellen


The Pull List: JUSTICE LEAGUE #12, SKULLKICKERS #17, WINTER SOLDIER #9 & More!

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Check out what I checked out this week.

Whether the comics are inspiring or disappointing, I read them all.

Welcome to The Pull List.

And, as always...Spoilers ahead!

Winter Soldier #9 (Pick of the Week)
Writer: Ed Brubaker
Art: Michael Lark, Brian Thies & Stefano Gaudiano
Color: Bettie Breitweiser
Publisher: Marvel Comics
Price: $2.99

In a world where $3.99 priced books are topping the charts, Ed Brubaker provides what maybe the best value in comics today.

It’s kind of sad since Brubaker announced he is leaving Winter Soldier with issue #15 in February.

Bucky and S.H.I.E.L.D. agent, Jasper Sitwell, hunt down Leo Novokov who is a former sleeper agent trained by Bucky years ago. Novokov has brainwashed The Black Widow and plans on using her in a plot to assassinate the first lady. The fluidity of the story is awe inspiring from beginning to end as everything is carefully crafted.

Throughout the book, Bucky can’t wait to get his hands on Novokov.

This builds up to the brawl that would make a fight or wrestling promoter proud. Instead of selling tickets, Brubaker sells tension, drama and heartbreak all wrapped up in a nice little bow.

This book also gets artwork of the week in my opinion as the confrontation between the two was excellently depicted.

There is one panel where Bucky elbows Novokov in the jaw with his bionic arms that made me cringe, in a good way, of course. There was one moment with the Black Widow that felt as if it was way too easy for her to overcome, and it turned out I was right.

Twists and turns go hand and hand in this breath of fresh that is the Winter Soldier.

Grade: A



Justice League #12
Writer: Geoff Johns
Art: Jim Lee, Ivan Reis & Joe Prado
Colors: Alex Sinclair & Tony Avina
Publisher: DC Comics
Price: $3.99

This is the issue everyone is talking about.

Superman and Wonder Woman make out and become a couple according to Geoff Johns.

The main story in the book serves as the conclusion of the Alan Graves saga. The League is able to battle back the ghosts of their loved ones, but the damage is already done. The world doesn’t trust them and Green Lantern quits, which makes complete sense if you read this month’s Green Lantern Annual. I

 found this interesting because the Justice League has been a team where none of the members can check their ego at the door, with GL being the worst offender.

All of sudden he quits for the good of the team?

This is kind of confusing, but it is clear Justice League is not meant to be a complicated story with a lot of heart.

It’s like a Michael Bay movie.

So what about that kiss?

While I’m still not sure they are going to be an actual couple, I like the direction they are going in. It didn’t make sense from a storyline perspective since they have had very little interaction in the new 52. However, the sexual tension between the two has been evident for years. Lots of fans, including myself, have always wanted to see what life would be like with this super couple and now it appears we are getting our wish. I just hope they don’t get one of those stupid names, like "Brangelina".

Grade: B-

Green Lantern Annual #1
Writer: Geoff Johns
Art: Ethan Van Sciver, Cam Smith & Pete Woods
Colors: Hi-Fi & Tony Avina
Publisher: DC Comics
Price: $4.99

The Guardians' journey towards the darkside is complete as they use Black Hand and summon the First Lantern to construct The Third Army.

The writing in this book is Geoff Johns' finest.

The architecture behind this plan contains many facets and is fueled with layers upon layers of hatred, contempt and arrogance. The Guardians want to rewrite the universe in their own image, and they need to wipe out every Lantern Corps in order to do it.

The artwork by Ethan Van Sciver sets a marvelous visual tone that truly conveys the gravity of the situation everyone will face in the months ahead.

Did you notice the cover? Yes, someone dies in the book. While we all know what to expect from comic book deaths, this one makes the story more intriguing on multiple levels.

Grade: A-

The Flash Annual #1
Writer: Francis Manapul & Brian Buccellato
Art: Marcus To, Scott Kolins & Diogenes Neves
Colors: Ian Herring Mike Ativeh, Hi-Fi
Publisher: DC Comics
Price: $4.99

I usually avoid Annuals like the plague because they tend to be written by different writers and have little to do with the main story arc. However, the string of Annuals released by DC Comics this week is making me change my stance on these oversized books.

Francis Manapul & Brian Buccellato take a break from their art duties and focus solely on the writing while a trio of different artists bring their talents to an entertaining comic book.

We are treated to four chapters that further expand on the many subplots going on in the pages of The Flash.

Do you want to know how and why the Rogues got their powers?

If so, you will not be disappointed in the slightest.


The grand finale serves as the ultimate holy shit moment that brings a set of insurmountable odds that the Fastest Man Alive might not be able to out run.

Grade: B+

Skullkickers #17
Writer: Jim Zub
Art: Edwin Huang
Colors: Misty Coats
Publisher: Image Comics
Price: $3.50

This is the most fun I have had reading a comic book all year.

This goes without saying but if you are not reading this series then please start immediately.

Reading the previous issues will help you understand the story better but I believe this could serve as a jumping on point. The artwork makes you feel like you have been transported into a cartoon.

If you’re still not convinced, you will find yourself aboard a pirate ship with a unique crew who is currently under mind control and face-to-face with a giant white Octopus.


There is a fair amount of fighting and violence inside the pages of this book but there is a lot more depth to the story.

Grade: A-

The Sixth Gun #24
Writer: Cullen Bunn
Art: Brian Hurtt
Colors: Bill Crabtree
Publisher: Oni Press
Price: $3.99

Cullen Bunn’s work on The Sixth Gun produces some of the best storytelling going on in comic books today. Brain Hurtt’s pencil work is in a league of its own and brings a sense of adventure unlike any other. Bill Crabtree’s coloring is the cherry on top of the sundae made by Oni Press.

We visit the Sword of Abraham which is a religious group trying to prevent the apocalyptic nightmare “the Six” could bring.

A warning from the grave accelerates their plans while Becky Montcrief and Drake Sinclair travel together seeking shelter and assistance. The book's cover properly conveys the perilous weather conditions they face along the way.

Weve heard so much about the actual Sixth Gun that we forget about the other five. Drake reminds readers of their existence as he uses them to escape great danger.

If this is a series you haven’t checked out, then please give it a chance. You can download the first issue free on Comixology with your smartphone, desktop and tablet device.

Grade: B+

Green Hornet #27
Writer: Ande Parks
Art: Ronan Cliquet
Cover: Phil Hester & Stephen Sadowski
Publisher: Dynamite Entertainment
Price: $3.99

The conclusion of the Outcast story arc brings about a subtle bang that brings everything together nicely.

You can tell from reading this that Ande Parks firmly knows the direction the story is going in. Hornet battles a doppelganger while Century City hangs in the balance.

The book is simple, fun and worth every penny. The crux of the story is Britt Reid trying to clear his name before it’s too late.

Ronan Cliquet’s art accomplishes what it needed to do while depicting action, action and more action.





Grade: B


Here are some titles that didn't make the list but may just tickle your fancy.

Bionic Woman #3 (Dynamite Entertainment)
How does one sink a cruise ship filled with bad guys? If you name is Jaime Sommers, you simply kick a hole in the wall that lets the water in.

Aquaman #12  (DC Comics)
This book was razor close to making the list. “The Others" story arc takes a dramatic turn and a pretty neat ending too.

Star Wars: Darth Maul Death Sentence #2 of 4 (Dark Horse Comics)
A decent plate of meat and potatoes served with a tasty side of Carbonite.



***This particular edition of The Pull List marks my one year anniversary with Forces of Geek.com. I have thoroughly enjoyed reviewing the comic books we all love and cherish. None of my friends are comic book fans and while I chat every Wednesday with various people at my local comic book store, this is the outlet I use to express how I feel about comic books. I want to thank Stefan Blitz for giving me the opportunity and the platform to talk, rant, scream and shout about one of my favorite pastimes!


Contest! Win a Signed Blu-ray of MY SUCKY TEEN ROMANCE

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The kids are biting and the blood is flowing in teenage writer-director Emily Hagins’ horror-comedy breakthrough, MY SUCKY TEEN ROMANCE, the buzzed-about genre sensation.

MY SUCKY TEEN ROMANCE, the breakout premiere at the 2011 SXSW Film Festival, is the third and most accomplished feature yet from the prodigious Emily Hagins. At the age of 12, Hagins was the subject of Zombie Girl! The Movie, a documentary about the making of her first feature, Pathogen.
On 17-year-old Kate’s last weekend in town before heading to college, she and her geeky friends head to SpaceCON, the local sci-fi/fantasy convention. There, Kate meets Paul, a recently turned teen vampire (who takes advantage of the gathering’s costume atmosphere by actually dressing as a bloodsucker). But when Kate tries to make a move on him, he gives her the hickey from hell.

Kate and her pals then discover that Paul is not the only vampire at the convention, and it is up to them to kick some vampire butt, or Kate’s going to be attending permanent night school from now on!
Vibrant young actors including Elaine Hurt, Patrick Delgado, Lauren Vunderink and Lauren Lee help teen writer-director Emily Hagins take a bite out of modern pop vampires in a hilarious, bloody tale that proves once and for all that love, like, totally sucks!

And we're giving away a copy of the Blu-ray signed by writer/director Emily Hagins!


To enter, please send an email with the subject header "My Sucky Teen Romance" to geekcontest @ gmail dot com and answer the following question:


If you could date a vampire from pop culture, who would you choose?

Please include your name and address (U.S. Residents only. You must be 18 years old).

Only one entry per person and a winner will be chosen at random.

Contest ends at 11:59 PM EST on September 23rd, 2012.



Daniel Dockery's CROCODILE

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Two weeks ago, I wrote about Tobe Hooper’s film Crocodile.

But, did you know that, a few years later, someone who had no idea that the aforementioned movie existed, wrote his own Crocodile. That someone was thirteen and had no grasp on biology, much less the specific subject matter of crocodiles.

And that someone was me.

Stupid, stupid me.

Started with my article on my version of Halloween 4, 5, and 9, and continuing here, let’s dig deeper into the fan fiction of a young madman.

What state is this?

Daniel Dockery’s Crocodile is set in Australia, somewhere that Daniel had never been to.


Therefore, none of it is set in any specific Australian locations. That would require research, and someone who writes fan fiction for a majority of his day wouldn’t be caught dead geeking out in front a computer doing “research.” The settings are all “beach,” “lab,” “bar,” and “swamp.” Four settings in two-hundred plus pages. It didn’t matter that Daniel had never been in a lab or bar before, either. He’d seen enough movies to know that one was full of tanks and test tubes and the other had cowgirls dancing on tables in it.

This. Every bar ever.

The titular crocodile was forty-feet-long, which isn’t all that incredible in the case of giant crocodile movies.

Consider the Syfy movies of today, where an animal’s size is generated by looking at the aspect ratio of a television and saying “Yes.” Forty-feet is nothing. The only reason Daniel chose forty-feet is because the shark in JAWS is twenty-five-feet and Daniel had to prove himself by having a dick waving contest with something that doesn’t have the ability to care about animal sizes. Daniel was picking a fight…with a movie.

Sadly that trend would not stop here for him, or anywhere for anyone, because the internet exists, a perfect medium for people to get mad at things that aren’t real.

The opening scene was of a surfer getting devoured. I mentioned earlier that Daniel Dockery’s Crocodile was written in a response to his arch-enemy, Peter Benchley’s JAWS, and the opening provides a good example of that legendary feud. In JAWS, the shark remains mostly hidden until the classic “chum” line.

Therefore, the attack on the drunk girl in the beginning doesn’t showcase the shark; just the girl, her screams, and the power of the unseen attacker.

It’s kind of subtle, when you think about it. And when you’re thirteen, subtle is for people hadn’t kissed a girl yet. And from the way Daniel Dockery’s Crocodile is written, it’s a wonder that Daniel Dockery could stop making out long enough to write this poor novel.

The crocodile is described in exhausting detail.

Anyone wondering what a crocodile looked like would get their wish and more, and anyone who knew what a crocodile looked like would wonder how someone could fuck up describing a crocodile that badly. The crocodile erupts from the water and literally knocks the surfer off his board. It then bites the surfer’s leg off. The surfer doesn’t notice this, ‘cause nerves and paralyzing fear and all that stuff that happens.

It happens, right? I’d hate for my Crocodile novel to be medically inaccurate.


Well, the surfer gets eaten and we cut to a lab somewhere, where, rather than create a mystery about the uncertain origin of such a massive reptile, we get a mad scientist wondering aloud about where the hell his giant crocodile went. Suck it, convention. A good writer would engage his reader. But when you’re Daniel Dockery, you have no reader’s to commit to. And the results are simply baffling.

Further copying JAWS, the three main characters are a sheriff, a normal scientist and a grizzled crocodile hunter.

Daniel even adds a personal touch by having the sheriff deal with relationship issues; relationship issues that reflected Daniel’s own at the time. And then, in another completely non-heavy handed personal touch, Daniel had the old croc hunter dispense girl advice to the sheriff, effectively solving the problem in the novel AND in real life.

Because, when you’re thirteen and “a writer,” the best way to deal with things, is to let fictional characters in unrelated fantastical circumstances handle them.

You know what Quint was missing? Sound advice about crippling social insecurities.

There are a lot of crocodile attacks in this novel.

Nearly everyone loses a limb, if not multiple ones. And they lose them all in fairly precise ways. The mad scientist, in a stroke of science genius, invents a careful way to feed his giant crocodile which involves sticking his arm down a dark tunnel and dropping food into a open tank below, effectively creating some sort of alligator glory hole. He dies because, since he can’t see his arm when he sticks it in, he won’t see the crocodile swim up to bite it off. That’s where the good guy scientist finds him when he comes to the evil scientist’s lab to investigate – shoulder deep in a tank, bled out. I know it SOUNDS dumb, but it’s a metaphor.

In the end of the novel, the three men take a swamp boat, you know the ones with the massive wind propellers on the back, not used in Australia, but totally used in Australia when you don’t know how stuff works, down a river to take the fight to the crocodile. The sheriff gets a few fingers bitten off, the scientist ends up getting decapitated and the croc hunter is bitten in half. In the end, though, the sheriff manages to trick the crocodile into jumping head first into the swamp boat propeller.

I built up two-hundred pages of smart crocodile only to have him die in the most mindless way possible. He literally leaps into blades spinning fast enough to cut through his enormous head and mince his entire body to pieces. The boat’s not moving at the time (eat it, physics), but that doesn’t matter when, just five pages earlier, in the middle of a monster attack, you have a salty croc hunter telling a sheriff “You just have to tell her you like her. To her face. Life isn’t a fairy tale.”

Too true, grizzled crocodile hunter. Too true.

But imagine it covered in crocodile meat. I certainly did




TROMA ENTERTAINMENT Unloads 150 Free Movies on YouTube For Your Enjoyment

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I love bad movies. The only thing I love more than bad movies is watching them while I am supposed to be working.

Which is why this gift from Troma Entertainment is a wonderful time suck that should be celebrated by the masses.

I'm talking about 150 glorious movies all available on YouTube and ready for you to boot up while avoiding responsibility. Movies like: Stuff Stephanie In the Incinerator (a classic), They Call Me Macho Woman(An Avenging Woman Tale) and the behind-the-scenes documentary of the film Terror Firmer called Farts of Darkness.

 And then there's my personal favorite: Yeti: A Love Story, a gripping tale of five college students battling to survive an evil cult and a gay Yeti.

Yes, I said a gay Yeti.

So, sit back, relax and enjoy the show...you are going to thank me for this.


Source: Boing Boing


WHAT CGI CHARACTERS DO To Feel Alive

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This brilliant advertisement is for the Toyota GT86 and features a CGI character longing to break free from the confines of his pixel world.

And it is frakking insane.

Now, I know nothing about cars, other than they always seem to cost at least $400 bucks to fix and need about a thousand dollars a month in gas, so an ad about a sporty Toyota does not make my lady parts gush in excitement.

What does make them go into a lather is a smart campaign that mixes one part Matrix with one part Inception.

So yeah, I guess I'm kinda psyched about a car...I feel weird about it but hell, it's a really good commercial.


Source: Super Punch


THE RUSSIANS ARE WEIRD: Here's a Music Video Featuring a Thumb and A Singing Cat...I Guess the Ruskies Like Their Internet Psychotic

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What the Frak Was That?
 Look, I'm suffering from a bout of insomnia so hardcore that I actually talked to a picture of my husband thinking it was him, so you're gonna have to cut me some slack if this post seems a bit odd.

So here it is, a thumb and a cat singing in one video.

Now, if you excuse me, I'm gonna go gobble down some Advil PM and pray for a coma.


Source: Coilhouse


Smallville: Random, Awesome and WTF?! - S7E15: Veritas

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Brainiac is back in town and that’s not good news for Kara and Clark—who is taking flying lessons from his cousin to no avail—while the Veritas mystery begins to unravel as Lex unlocks memories of his childhood.

Oh, and whoever picked Patty Swann out after one episode, step up and claim your prize because as we saw last time, she’s deader than disco.

The Random:
1. It’s been a while since we’ve seen Jimmy and Lois, and it’s pretty fun that Jimmy suggests they team up for a story, foreshadowing the Olsen/Lane connection at The Daily Planet.  Nice work.

2. Who exactly works at Lana’s Isis Foundation?  Because aside from a secretary once or twice, we’ve never really actually seen any real employees.  How does this thing make money or stay operational?

3. It’s a really nice touch of continuity by tying Lionel’s discovery that the Queens were killed and the meteor shower coming as the real reason for him heading to Smallville, with the newspaper we saw in the pilot episode linking both scenes together.

We all know Jimmy is using the reflection in the screen to
look down Lois’s shirt.  Because I’m looking into the reflection in his
eyes to use the reflection in the screen to do the same.


The Awesome:
1. Wow.  Less than five minutes in, and we’ve got a Brainiac vs. Clark and Kara battle royale at the Kent Farm.  Now, that’s how you start an episode.  Of course, Brainiac won this round, but you can tell the stakes were just raised something fierce.

2. Lionel makes things so difficult to love or hate him because every time he does something totally immoral he almost redeems himself, and then follows that up with doing something evil.  Lex, on the other hand, just keeps sinking deeper into madness and together the Luthors are just the gift that keep on giving.

3. The scene with Clark and Lana is actually pretty moving as he’s helpless to do anything to free her from Brainiac’s control and in a second nod to the pilot episode, the two meet by a statue of an angel. 

Poor dude just can’t catch a break, now can he?


The WTF?!:
1. Lex has more repressed memories than perhaps any living person.  He’s not that old.  With all the crap he doesn’t remember, what exactly does he remember?  And did the flashback really need to point out which young boy was Oliver Queen by showing him with a bow and arrow playing hide and seek?  Really?

2. Lana’s been taken over by Brainiac and he won’t free her unless Kara helps him, and he did it by basically making her braindead.  Honestly?  How, exactly, can we really tell the difference and should we be trying to save her?  Sure, she’s a zombie now, but she’s just as smart and, most importantly, she’s not whining anymore.

3. When people in this town show up at mental hospitals with stuff like what Lana is exhibiting, what exactly do the doctors do?  How do they classify and treat things that are clearly mysterious and unnatural in origin?  Apparently, they park them by the window and just let them stare.  That’s a good approach.

Really, how can you tell the difference?




OTAKU LOUNGE: Japanese Music That Won’t Hurt your Ears

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In some respects, Japanese popular music has a very distinctive sound that can make it difficult for non-Japanese audiences to engage with. 

Although there’s a lot of great mainstream Japanese music to be found, many casual admirers of Japanese pop culture are only exposed to the material that’s consistently at the top of the charts.

Large idol groups such as AKB48 have been dominating the music scene in Japan in recent years, and while they’re obviously extremely cute and very popular in Japan, that high-pitched, sugary-sweet vocal style can be a little harsh on Western eardrums, while solo acts like Hamasaki Ayumi can come across as quite nasally to a non-Japanese audience.

The point of this article is to offer some alternatives to Japanese music that might better appeal to the Western listener, but that is not totally divorced from the mainstream Japanese pop/rock sound. To that end, I’ll be going over several Japanese bands and soloists that could be worth your time checking out if you’re after something current, but still just a little off the beaten track. While several of these recommendations have in fact featured very highly multiple times on the Oricon chart, they can sometimes be overshadowed by larger or better-financed acts.


Kalafina


Although they’re officially listed as a pop group, I have trouble thinking of Kalafina as pop simply because they don’t fit the conventional image, either in terms of physical style or actual sound. Formed by legendary composer Kajiura Yuki in 2007, they’re a 3-member band whose harmonies are truly a feast for the ears. You wouldn’t guess by looking at them (especially Keiko in the middle there, who puts me in mind of a slightly mischievous pixie), but each vocalist has an incredibly rich voice, and fabulous stage presence. While their music videos aren’t exactly exciting, they’re always a pleasure to watch thanks to their general charisma and gorgeous clothing choices – usually a mix of slightly fantastical Lolita-inspired wear.

Single suggestions: ‘progressive’, Lacrimosa’, and ‘Magia’ (but really, there’s no single I don’t like).


Sid


Sid is a visual kei band, but unlike a lot of other visual kei bands I actually like their sound. I’m not knocking the genre at all, but visual kei often isn’t especially Western-friendly, either in terms of general aesthetic or overall musical style. While many bands of this type tend to limit themselves to hard rock or metal, Sid mixes it up a lot and makes for an experience that’s less intense yet more interesting than a lot of visual kei material I’ve been exposed to. They were formed in 2003 and since then have some waves in the Japanese music industry, with some of their songs being used for major anime titles like Bleach, Kuroshitsuji and Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood.

Single suggestions: ‘Ranbu no Melody’, ‘Rain’, and ‘Monochrome no Kiss’.


YUI


I was a bit iffy about putting YUI on this list at first – not because I don’t like her music (on the contrary, I think she’s a fabulous vocalist), but because she’s become household name in Japan and therefore perhaps already well-known enough amongst any Western listener with a curiosity for Japanese music. What made me want to put her on the list anyway is the quality of her voice. Unlike the majority of extremely popular Japanese female singers, YUI has quite a low-pitched vocal style with a husky sound to it. She’s also got a lot of credibility as an artist, in that she writes and composes her own songs and plays her own instruments – acoustic guitar, bass guitar, piano and drums. Her songs have a nice earthy feel to them, and her catchy upbeat tunes are just as good as her ballads.

Single suggestions: ‘Again’, ‘Rain’, and ‘Tomorrow’s Way’.


Kawase Tomoko



This singer has had an interesting career so far, in that she has two separate musical personalities (Tommy february6 and Tommy heavenly6) and is also the lead vocalist of another musical act (The Brilliant Green). While february is a persona inspired by British and American 1980s synth pop, heavenly is more influenced by rock and punk, although still has a sound mainstream enough to be considered pop/rock. People seem to have a love of either one or the other, but both acts have a lot of fun and enthusiasm to them – and I’m fairly sure that she knows how to poke fun at herself as well, what with album names like Strawberry Cream Soda Pop Daydream and Gothic Melting Ice Cream's Darkness Nightmare. If Kawase’s music reminded me of any one Western artist it would be Avril Lavigne back in her first couple of years. In terms of styling, they even sometimes look a bit similar.

Single suggestions (you get more then 3 since, musically-speaking, she’s more than one person): ‘Ash Like Snow’, ‘Lonely in Gorgeous’, ‘Ready?’, ‘Pray’, and ‘Papermoon’. Yeah, I’m a heavenly girl.


abingdon boys school



Formed in 2005 by Nishikawa Takanori of T.M Revolution fame, abingdon boys school is a rock band whose name has pretty much nothing to do with the British school of the same name (although they are wearing uniforms in some of their music videos). As an alternative rock band, they’re a bit different to a lot of other popular rock bands around Japan, but not that unfamiliar to non-Japanese listeners in terms of general style. Influenced by 1980s and 90s hair bands, their sound reflects something of their musical inspirations: Van Halen, Jane’s Addiction, and Hanoi Rocks. Given that they’ve taken their cues from glam rock/glam metal, it’s understandable that they’ve got some visual kei flavour to them, but nothing that’s too out there.

Single suggestions: ‘JAP’, ‘Howling’, and ‘Strength’.


SCANDAL


They’re a 4-member girl band but don’t let that put you off – these ladies sound nothing like most other mainstream Japanese pop/rock girl bands, and even less like the material that I was exposed to on the school bus, thank god. What keeps SCANDAL fresh, other than their not-too-pop sound, is that while they have a lead singer, everyone chips in on the music with their own very distinct vocals. SCANDAL’s energy is also hard to ignore; perhaps because of their start as regular street performers, they’ve got a very lively vibe and are all cute as buttons to boot. Although they started out as an indie group, the band is now tied to a major label and has released several very well-received singles. They’re also starting to get pretty popular with overseas fans, but fortunately have managed to keep hold of their fun garage rock charm for many of their songs.

Single suggestions: ‘Shunkan Sentimental’, ‘Doll’, and ‘Namida no Regret’.


Kimura Kaela

                                                    
A pop/rock singer with a hint of punk flavour, Kimura is a half-Japanese, half-British singer with a lot going for her. While her music is very accessible, her music videos show that she’s not afraid to be experimental, and there’s a lot of variety to be had within the scope of sound that’s presented to us. This latter aspect is probably what I like most about Kimura – her voice is distinctive enough to stand out from other popular Japanese female soloists, but she also never seems to release a single that sounds too similar to the one that came before it. Granted, it’s to be expected that any given musician’s style will change to a certain extent over time, but when I was first listening to a couple of Kimura’s songs, it was hard to believe that she was the same person. Overall, her work tends to have an optimistic yet down-to-earth feel to it.

Single suggestions:  ‘Kidoairaku plus ai’, ‘Banzai’, and ‘Magic Music’.


Chemistry


I’m not much of an R&B fan, but this 2-man band mixes R&B and pop into a smooth mix that’s surprisingly easy to swallow. In 2000 they won Asayan (a talent search variety show) and debuted with Sony Music the following year with a single that went straight to the top of the charts. What I like most about Chemistry (other than the fact that they make R&B bearable) is that the duo work really well together – there’s no strong one and weak one, and no playing at lead versus backup either. And because there’s not a whole heap of Japanese duos out there in comparison to the bigger groups and solo artists, Chemistry has a fresh, catchy vibe about them that makes their music very appealing. As of April 2012 the band’s activities have been put on hold so that the duo can work on some solo material, but I believe they’ll be back in the not-too-distant future.

Single suggestions: ‘Period’, ‘Merry-go-round’, and ‘Life goes on’.





TASCHEN TO RELEASE $1000 6-Book Collection of R. Crumb Sketchbooks From 1981-2012

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The good folks behind my collection of vintage pornography and Tom of Finland art books are getting ready to release a collection of sketchbooks by R. Crumb, featuring his work over the last thirty years (Crumb wanted his more current work published first followed by a collection of his older sketchbooks).

Priced at $1000 for a 6-volume set, this is certainly something that only a die-hard fan would seriously consider, but seeing that I have probably spent more than that for several complete Sweet Valley High sets (including all the Super Editions, Super Thrillers, Super Stars and Manga Editions) I am all for dropping a wad for something so super awesome.


Now, if $1000 hurts your butthole a bit too much, there's a plethora of other, more affordable R.Crumb books available on Amazon (including the R.Crumb Sketchbook set which will be around $200 cheaper and will drop on October 1st) that can soothe your ass pain like a pad slathered  in Preparation H.

Either way, it's all good.

Source: Boing Boing



BASKIN-ROBBINS Creates Ice Cream Nachos To Shove Down Your Unsatisfied Face Hole

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With all the weird food combinations coming out of some of our more popular eateries, you'd think the announcement that Baskin-Robbins is releasing "Ice Cream Nachos" would be on par with the rest of the gross offerings available *pictures glorious 7-11 cheese stuff being released onto two scoops of chocolate mint*.

But no, it's simply a boring sundae with waffle-cone chips on the side that you can dip into the delightful dairy concoction. So no weird combo of ice cream, nacho cheese and chocolate Doritos (we'll leave that up to Taco Bell) or a heaping scoop of salsa on a jalapeno flavored ice cream ball.

I kinda think Baskin-Robbins might have dropped the food ball a bit here, but lord knows I will still face fuck the Ice Cream Nachos like a fiend.

I'm that kind of girl.

Source: Gawker


Mix Tapes From The Midwest: I LIKE LOOKOUT!

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Lookout Records, the seminal East Bay label, shut its doors this year, after 25 years of releasing some of the finest punk records on either side of the Mississippi.

I'm not the first to make a list of essential songs from essential Lookout releases ("Dr." Frank Portman of The Mr. T Experience even did one - http://www.spin.com/articles/20-essential-songs-late-lookout-records), but I had to jump on the bandwagon.

As I wrote over a decade ago, in a silly rhyming verse about different types of punk (that, thankfully, I never bothered to publish) - "Those pop punk kids like Lookout stuff / they can never get enough / in high-top Chucks they say woah-oh / cos that's how all pop punk songs go."

And, okay, not all Lookout releases were pop punk, and I'm not a kid anymore...but I still have my Lookout Records button pinned to my punk jacket.


Side A

1. Green Day - Christie Road (from Kerplunk, 1992)

A couple years ago, I was discussing Green Day with a couple friends of mine. I talked about how I was twelve when Dookie came out, and how much I loved it, and how I subsequently tracked down 1,039/Smoothed Out Slappy Hours and Kerplunk, and from there, other Lookout Records releases.

One of my friends said that they weren't punk. He said they were never punk, not even when they were on Lookout; said that their sound was too poppy to qualify as punk, and that they didn't even swear in most of their songs. My other friend jumped in: "You were already in your twenties when their first album came out, and away at college, in the Bay Area, no less. Things you thought of as Not Punk sounded a lot different to a pre-teen living in a mid-sized town in the Midwest."

Exactly.

To pre-teen me, Green Day's early tunes about alienation, unrequited love, and getting stoned sounded pretty f'in punk rock. And, hey, whether you wanna call it punk or not, listen to this sloppy little number, where a young and lonesome Billie Joe sings about the only place he feels not so alone. Give me something to do to kill some time. Take me to that place that I call home. Take away the strains of being lonely. Take me to the tracks at Christie Road.


2. The Mr. T Experience - Thank You (For Not Being One of Them) (from Love Is Dead, 1996)

It is because of The Mr. T Experience that I am here today, writing this column. Let me explain - when I was a teeny punk of sixteen, I interviewed MTX for my fanzine. I'd interviewed a couple local Racine bands prior to that, and I'd been writing about music I liked since I was eleven or twelve, but MTX was the first non-local, somewhat-known band I ever interviewed. They were so cool to me, and the interview went so well, that I decided then and there - Writing About Music was gonna be what I did with my life. It was difficult for me to choose one essential MTX album, and one song to represent that album, as I love pretty much everything Dr. Frank has done. However, I think it's on Love Is Dead that his bitter, funny, clever lyrics stand out most; this album is also from my favorite era of the band's ever-rotating lineup - the power trio that was Frank on guitar and lead vocals, Joel on bass and back-up, and Jym on drums. This song is a love song, but it could be sung to a close friend, could be sung to any of those someones that are on the side of Us in the eternal battle of Us vs. Them. And just listen to those sweet woah-oh-ohs. As it stands, there's still a chance you'll hear me calling as I'm crawling from the garbage cans. The kids are having fun, proud of what they've done. Later that night we hold each other tight, and plot their destruction.


3. Screeching Weasel - Teenage Freakshow (from My Brain Hurts, 1991)

Oh, why did Ben Weasel have to turn into such a dick? I mean, he's always kinda been one, but the things he's done recently make his old self seem like a sweetheart in comparison. Yeah, I shake my head at the things he's done (namely, punching two female audience members at SXSW in 2011), but I still love Screeching Weasel. You have to understand - I came of age as a punk in the Chicago area in the mid-90s to early '00s, so Screeching Weasel is kinda intrinsic to who I am. This is probably my all-time favorite Screeching Weasel song, has been since my best pal put it on a mix for me in '96. It's punk - with the biting lyrics about the scene (written by Ben Weasel and Danny Vapid), and Ben's snotty growl; it's pop - with the sweet organ chords and the oh-oh-oh-ohs (sensing a theme here?). And It's time for change, we don't know what. We sit around collecting dust. I don't wanna get high, I don't wanna dance but everybody's got an answer.


4. Groovie Ghoulies - Ghoulies Are Go! (from World Contact Day, 1996)

The Groovie Ghoulies are just so much damn fun. Jumpin' tunes about monsters and dancing, and dancing with monsters, and having crushes...on monsters, and being a misfit kid, and...monsters. Pretty much the ideal music for anyone who was weird and nerdy in school, who found salvation in comic books, old B-movies, and (pop) punk rock. I always felt like pop punk was more inclusive, as a scene, than other sub-genres of punk. All of punk is about Us vs. Them, but pop punk lets anyone who needs to be part of the 'Us.' (Let's harken back to Tod Browning-via-the-Ramones for a second: "Gabba Gabba we accept you! We accept you! You're one of us!") Case in point: this song, with its fuzzed-out bass and guitar and Kepi singing: When everybody's let you down, all your friends are out of town, that's when we all come around. We're the Groovie Ghoulies, yeah yeah. You're a punk and you're a kid, doesn't matter what you did. You can keep our records hid. You're a Groovie Ghoulie, yeah yeah.


5. Boris the Sprinkler - Do the Go (from the Russian Robot 7", 1998)

This is the only song on this mix that isn't from a full album, and I'm only using it cos it's an excuse to include Boris The Sprinkler. Seriously, though. Much like Screeching Weasel, this band helped me grow into the me I am today. It's a sort of geographical punkness - I'm from southeastern Wisconsin, so there were Chi bands like Screeching Weasel, and there were Sconnie bands, like Boris the Sprinkler. In any case, this track (one of two B-side tracks from this 7") is good stuff. There's no introductory monolog, but Rev. Norb hints at his true weirdness - even though the song clocks in at just over a minute, he somehow manages to get tangential with the lyrics. And it has Paul #2 on the drum kit, so you can't go wrong. The song is short, fast, goofy and perfect.


6. Pansy Division - I Really Wanted You (from Wish I'd Taken Pictures, 1996)

I love playing Pansy Division for unsuspecting people. It's a good way to weed out the squares. They think they're hearing a sweet pop ditty, and then they listen to the lyrics. Homophobes (or uptight, squeamish folk) beware - the sunny guitars and crooning vocals are a backdrop for raunchy and vivid depictions of gay sex. Except, of course, when they are playing a sweet pop ditty, such as this one. It's jangly and sad and cute. Whether gay, straight, bi, or otherwise, we've all been in a situation like this one. On the hottest night of the summer, on a sticky, steamy street. I was glowing like the sunset; I knew how happy we could really be. Your suntanned body stretched out on the carpet in front of me - I know as long as I live I'll never lose that memory.


7. The Queers - I Can't Get Over You (from Don't Back Down, 1996)

Don't Back Down was a departure for The Queers, and it wasn't. It wasn't, because there were still bratty odes to being a punk loser ("Born To Do Dishes," "I'm OK, You're Fucked," etc.). It was, because the title track was a cover of a Beach Boys tune, and there was also a cover of "Sidewalk Surfin' Girl," by The Hondells. (Though it's not entirely surprising, as The Queers always owed a huge debt to the Ramones, who never hid the fact that they loved the Beach Boys and other bands from that era.) The best songs on this album, however, aren't the covers or the 1-2-FU songs. The real stand-outs are the original love songs, like "Punk Rock Girls," "I Always Knew," and this one. "I Can't Get Over You," a three-minute track with guest vocals by Lisa Marr (of Cub, and The Lisa Marr Experiment); the ultimate pop (punk) song of lost love. Sigh. Blue skies, turning into gray; since you went away, nothing's the same. Time flies, and I realize what I thought was love was just a game. Passing by the places where you used to be. What I wouldn't give to have you here with me. I know I'm stupid and I know you're gone. I know a lot but I can't get over you.


8. Tilt - Crying Jag (from Play Cell, 1993)

Sometimes I hate musical genre distinctions. Cos, man, if you didn't see Cinder Block with her short spiky red hair, and maybe if this were just a little more polished and if the lyrics were just a little less dark...wait, no, scratch that. Not despite those things - short red hair, raw wild sound, dark mad lyrics - not despite them but because of them, not to mention Cinder's bluesy belt-it-out voice - this is a damn fine rock'n'roll tune. It's also worth noting that as I was writing this description, the sound of distant thunder outside the window blended seamlessly with the drums. You may say I live on easy street. You can think anything you want to think. Come by some time, my door is open to you, where I can show you how easy I am.


Side B

1. Pretty Girls Make Graves - Sad Girls Por Vida (from Good Health, 2002)

Like I said before, not all Lookout releases were straight-up pop punk. Take Pretty Girls Make Graves' Good Health. Is it fiery indie rock? Loud-ass post punk? It's angular, but there's a hook. And it's got that punk rock energy fueling it. I remember when I saw PGMG at the Fireside Bowl, back in 2002. When they played this song, as Andrea Zollo shouted "sad! girls! for! life!", she looked so defiant that I swear she was proud. I pumped my fist in the air and screamed along, I know, how cliche, but I remember thinking: "Hell yeah, I'm a sad girl for life, too." Why not find some measure of pride in it, if it can't be changed? I’ve racked my brain about a hundred times a day. I’m confused by everything, I've used my means, I’m still uncertain. Waiting, wondering. I guess I’ll keep my fingers crossed till I can get an answer.


2. Avail - Cross Tie (from Over the James, 1998)

Tim Barry wrote stuff that hit me like a suckerpunch even back in the Avail days. I almost can't find the words for this album, this song. Sound-wise, it's melodic hardcore, I guess, though I've heard other people call it skate punk. Maybe we should call it train punk, instead. Maybe I don't even want to talk about genres. Maybe I just want to tell you that this album made a lot of sense to me, back in the day - I've never even been to RVA, but I sure knew what it was like to both love your hometown and constantly try to get the hell away from it. Or I could say that, even though it wasn't released until '98, more than any of the other albums mentioned on this mix, this one sounds like the '90s. Or I could just tell you to listen to this song. Listen to the music build, starting in your toes, moving up to your gut and then your throat, before it all blasts in at 1:03, and you are left breathless and shaking from the adrenaline rush. Maybe I should warn you that if you are anything like me, this song might make you cry. Take a ride on the back near the switch and make good time, without a hint of leaving. Be from many places. Be from here, see what to see then. Wander alone, steel rails hum. Find the cure then fall right back.


3. American Steel - Whiskey, Women, and Blackguarding (Ain't No Cure for a Broken Heart) (from Rogue's March, 1999)

This one ain't pop punk, or hardcore, it's honest-to-goodness punk fuckin' rock. If someone could sing while they were spitting gravel at you, this is what it would sound like. I mean that in the best possible way. When I was living in Oakland, this tune got stuck in my head a lot. I'd pass by Adeline Street, or the American Steel warehouse (where this band got their name) on my way to work, and yeah I was broke and usually hungover and I could 'feel the fuckers in the hills looking down their noses,' but I'd always feel better just having this song rattling around in my head. And no matter where you live, it's a great song to listen to when you're wheeling around the city, screwing up your life. You spend your sunny days on the brink of another disaster. Try to run, but you couldn't live any faster.


4. Blatz - Fuk Shit Up (from The Shit Split, 1991)

Full confession: I used to have a tattoo inspired by this song. It was a mean-looking skull-and-crossbones surrounded by the words (in a mean-looking font, of course) 'fuck shit up.' Not like Blatz were the only punks to ever say those words, but I loved this album, and this song. The tattoo has been covered up by a different tattoo (give me beer and I will tell you why); I still love the band, and the album, and the song. Annie Lalania screams, Jesse Luscious growls, they all shout, and it sounds downright menacing at the beginning when Jesse is intoning 'tonight we're gonna fuck shit up' and Anna Joy is in the background cooing 'to-ni-ight' over and over. If you've never believed that punk could ever be a real threat to anything, this song might change your mind. We, the punx, are out tonight. We're gonna start a riot, what a sight. Burning cop cars and looting stores; eating the rich because we're poor.


5. Operation Ivy - Knowledge (from Energy, 1989)

Well, obviously I had to include a song by this band, because it's Operation Ivy! You know, the infamous ska/punk (before ska-punk was even a thing) band from the East Bay, important both to the early days of Lookout and the early days of 924 Gilman, whose members Matt Freeman and Tim Armstrong later went on to form Rancid, blah blah blah. The only other things I'm going to say are: 1. I prefer Jesse Michaels' vocals to Tim Armstrong's vocals. 2. This song is so great. 3. The lyrics to this song can be found embedded in the sidewalk on the Berkeley Poetry Walk (on Addison, between Shattuck and Milvia). 4. This time I got it all figured out - all I know is that I don't know nothing...and that's fine.


6. The Donnas - Checkin' It Out (from American Teenage Rock'n'Roll Machine, 1998)

The Donnas were the '90s' answer to The Runaways. Teenage girls who were hot shit and knew it, but who also had the musical chops to back themselves up. I don't know if The Donnas were even truly a punk band (they claimed KISS as one of their biggest influences), but I do not care. I spun this album when I wasn't listening to The Runaways, but needed another album that fit moments of fishnet stockings and red lipstick. And this song, it's got guitar solos, it's got cowbell!, and I think I feel such a deep affinity for it because it was released the year I turned seventeen. I know what I want tonight, and I see it coming off the street. I'm going nowhere and I'm only seventeen. I know about gettin' it on, and I want a little piece of you. I'm thinking about taking a bite, if you know what I mean.


7. The Criminals - Never Been Caught (from Never Been Caught, 1997)

Never Been Caught sounds like the soundtrack from a punk noir film that never was. And this title track is what would play during the opening credits, when the audience first gets a glimpse of the killer as he skulks down a dark alley. That walking bassline is spooky-sexy, the guitar has a touch of a Dead Boys sound (really the whole track is just a hair-trigger less devastating than "Sonic Reducer"), and then there's Jesse, telling us all what he's been up to: Standing in the cold rain - never been caught. Sniffing glue and stalking you - never been caught.


8. Pinhead Gunpowder - Keeping Warm In the Nighttime (from Jump Salty, 1994)

I opened with a Billie Joe Armstrong band, and I'm closing with one, too. Hey, if you're dealing with East Bay punk, you can't stay away from him for long. But really, Pinhead Gunpowder is not on this mix because of Billie Joe, they're on here because of Aaron Cometbus - famous zine-writer, and drummer/lyricist for, like, 1000 punk bands from coast to coast. If MTX are why I write about music, Cometbus is why I write about my life. He taught me that the so-called small, fractured moments were worth recording, too. I'm starting to sound sentimental... Ahem. It's the sum of all PHGP's parts that makes them so good. Billie Joe and Mike Kirsch's vocals play off each other perfectly on this track, and there are Aaron Cometbus' rolling drums, and the lyrics. Let's call this one an anthem for staying up late. That said, it's one a.m., I just finished this column, I'm hella tired, and I'm going to sleep. Anything's possible, every thing seems so clear when your blood is pumping, mind is scheming, eyes wide open but you're still dreaming. Prancing, prowling, searching for yourself. The darkness is so comforting, so beautifully intoxicating. Daytime's stress and pettiness doesn't matter now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bRiiaf_46a0


WELCOME TO MY NIGHTMARE: The 'Slice' Skin-Cake Will Make You Long For Those Innocent Days of Watching 'The Human Centipede'

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Judging by the shape and many tiers of random cake innards, I'm guessing that this concoction is for a wedding between two individuals who believe that through the bonds of matrimony they will become one...or it's for a serial killer, it works on both levels.

Created by cake artist Gillian Bell, she describes her masterpiece as thus:  

This is a new project. I have chosen to name the company 'Slice', as it deals with cake designs which have a hint of the grotesque. There are undertones of passion and obsession. Make of these what you will, they are really showing my love for all things a little bit wrong, my inner thoughts spilling out.

The chick is a bit insane.

Now, I'm not one to go all moral on anyone, and far be it from me to judge another person's artistic merit concerning fondant but I'm not sure this isn't actual skin:

Do I See A Fucking Freckle?

In fact, I'm pretty sure that were we to "slice" into this "cake", a couple of testicles and/or a sphincter would come falling out of it.

And I for one am not eating an asshole...not even for an anniversary.

Source: Geekologie


You Know, For The Kids... Fates Worse Than THE OOGIELOVES

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I'm fortunate enough to not have kids, but not fortunate enough to have been completely immune to the massive ad campaign for The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure.

Released on over 2,000 screens last Wednesday, this big budget bastard cousin of Teletubbies now holds the distinction for the worst box-office opening of all time, according to sources.

With an overall cost of nearly $60 Million, including marketing, the Oogieloves oogled an average audience of 2-3 people per theatre, which is astonishing considering the advertising spend, which included out-of-home buys in major markets.

But before TOITBBA (as it's known in the Cosplay world) makes its way to DVD purgatory, I thought it might be fun to point out kiddie flicks of years past that some would argue make this clip remotely tolerable by comparison...


THE OOGIELOVES IN THE BIG BALLOON ADVENTURE (2012)

NUMBER OF SCREENS 2160
TOTAL US BOX OFFICE GROSS $899,724 (something to keep in mind as you explore the following)...

THE GARBAGE PAIL KIDS MOVIE (1987)
Say what you will about The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure. At least its filmmakers based their movie on a hope and a dream, and not on a series of banned trading cards. As much as we loved their cardboard counterparts, this big-screen mutation available now on Netflix Instant Streaming is just about unwatchable. Just about. John Carl Buechler (Ghoulies, Troll) designed the nightmare-inducing effects/costumes. It's not his shining moment.

OPENING NUMBER OF SCREENS 374
TOTAL US BOX OFFICE GROSS $1.6 Million



SUPER BABIES: BABY GENIUSES 2 (2004)
Should-Be Impressive Facts... * Stars Oscar winner Jon Voight. * Last movie directed by Bob Clark (A Christmas Story & Black Christmas) * The budget for this thing was $20 Million. * No actual babies were harmed in the making of this film. * No actual geniuses were consulted in the making of this film.

NUMBER OF SCREENS 1,276
TOTAL US BOX OFFICE GROSS $9.2 Million



PINOCCHIO IN OUTER SPACE (1965)
This Belgian import features some fairly impressive/fairly groovy animation, but that's where the magic ends. This head-trip of a "kiddie-film" features some intense outer-space settings and strays demonically distant from the original tale. Forgotten by most, it's gained a cult following with adults. Some of them even remember being scared to death by it as a kid.

It remains one of the more curious Golden Turkey Award Winners.

BOX OFFICE STATS UNKNOWN 




MAC & ME (1988)
Sponsored in part by McDonald's, and blatantly stolen from E.T. a mere 6 years after its release, Mac & Me is probably best known for two clips that made their way to YouTube legend: The Hip-Hop Dance Sequence That Comes Out Of Nowhere At McDonald's (which if you ask me is just brilliant ballsy product placement and the following snippet that tends to follow Paul Rudd to Conan O'Brien late at night.

NUMBER OF SCREENS 1314
TOTAL US BOX OFFICE GROSS $6.4 Million



SMURFS AND THE MAGIC FLUTE (1983)
Although it took eight years to be released in the United States, this originally Belgian feature film was a big deal after the success of Hanna-Barbera's take on the Smurfs for Saturday Morning television. At the time of its release, SATMF was the highest grossing non-Disney production in history. It's record would be shattered by a slightly more unbearable feature - The Care Bears Movie in 1985. Pun intended.

NUMBER OF SCREENS 432
TOTAL US BOX OFFICE GROSS $11 Million



ANYTHING from Producer K. Gordon Murray 
Known for taking foreign films into distribution in the United States with badly redubbed voices and narration, K. Gordon Murray was the poor kid's Walt Disney at the matinee double feature. Most legendary for the surreal Santa Claus known to a new generation of audiences with the added commentary of the Mystery Science Theater gang. It's my pick from the many fairy tales he imported.
An upcoming documentary can only mean the Tim Burton biopic can't be far behind...

Got an unwatchable KIDDIE FILM that ranks in your worst? Tweet it to @ForcesofGeek or add to the comments here!


DAVID FINCHER: A Film Title Retrospective

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