I don’t know about you, but my Netflix queue is looking pretty pathetic these days.
What used to be a bounty of TV shows, quirky comedies and indie dramas in now just
Amadeus and
Old Boy.Somehow, over the last few months, my queue has gotten absolutely decimated.
Unfortunately, March seems to be more of a lamb than a lion, with only a small handful of great selections, including
Daredevil season two and a slew of cool ass documentaries.
MARCH 1
Adult Beginners (2015)Starring everyone you love from all your favorite basic cable shows comes a very mediocre comedy about midlife crisis.
Ahora o Nunca (2015)Spanish-language rom-com about an adorable couple and their wedding from hell.
Aldnoah.Zero (Season 2)AKA:
ΛLDNOΛH.ZERO, A Japanese anime about the human colonies on Mars who have declared war on Earth.
American Pie Presents: Beta House (2007)American Pie Presents: The Naked Mile (2006)Straight-to-video sex romps whose only above the title star is Eugene Levy. Oh, so don’t get me wrong. Eugene Levy is the fucking man and I would lay down my life for the guy, but the man obviously needed to clear some gambling debts or he was being blackmailed by Rogue Pictures.
There is no other explanation here.
Before We Go (2015)Chris Evans put down the shield for a hot minute and opted to take a turn behind the camera. In this directorial debut, Evans spends 90 minutes meet-cute-ing Alice Eve to piano music.
Blue Mountain State: The Rise of Thadland (2016)Comedy based on Spike TV's
Blue Mountain State follows Thad Castle has he moves on to fame...you know what. I don’t care. I watched the trailer, and it made me sad. Here. Weep for the future.
El Desconocido (2015)Bank exec is held hostage by a car bomb and is forced to follow a list of instructions from an anonymous caller.
Fresh Meat (Season 2)Brit comedy from the fine makers of
Peep Show, follows six Uni students who share housing together.
Frog Kingdom (2013)An amphibian version of
Brave, but instead of good writing, honest characters, or heart, it just has a bunch of shitty frog puns.
Good Burger (1997)Before Kel set up residence on
Saturday Night Live and people were whispering rumors of Kenan’s demise, there was this movie.
Groundhog Day (1993)Big Bad Bill Murray doing what he does best: grabbing hold of an unusual scenario and making it his bitch. Just an awesome movie that is so damn good, it elevated a mediocre and strange rodent centric holiday to a national sensation. That is the power of the Murray.
Heaven Knows What (2015)Uninspired drama that once again spotlights the evils of heroin and life in the big bad city.
Hot Sugar's Cold World (2015)A look at the life of electronic musician Nick Koenig, whose eclectic tastes and methods have him wobble along the thin line between genius and madman. Documentary inexplicably contains a cameo from Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Narcopolis (2015)Sci-fier that takes place in a future where recreational drugs are legal but controlled by Big Pharma. When a new illegal drug begins to make the rounds outside of Big Business, cops must find the source.
Road Trip: Beer Pong (2009)Like the
American Pie off-shoots, this direct-to-DVD sex romp only features original stars DJ Qualls and Rhoda Griffis in brief cameos, as if they are too embarrassed to be seen for too long.
Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (1991)Want to see a version of “Robin Hood” where you can pick out the good guys by their inability to pull off an English accent? And an angsty Christian Slater? Did I mention the terrible Bryan Adams love ballad?
The only reason to really watch this is for Alan Rickman (RIP), who is a delight as the over-the-top Sheriff of Nottingham.
Scarface (1983)A movie where ever scene is classic, every line is quotable and every performance is unforgettable.
Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979)Not the greatest of the
Star Trek pics, but a good place to start, if only so you can understand what’s going on in
Wrath of Khan.
Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982)This IS the greatest
Star Trek movie ever made. Yeah. I said it.
The Young Kieslowski (2014)Two college freshman get preggers with twins after doing the deed only once. A cautionary tale for anyone moving into dorms.
MARCH 2
For Grace (2015)Docu
mentary on Curtis Duffy, a one-man cooking machine whose focus on his craft won him two Michelin stars but cost him his family.
MARCH 4
House of Cards (Season 4)Frank’s back, baby.
Lego Friends: The Power of Friendship (2016)Just because it’s Lego, that doesn’t mean it can’t make pandering crap for girls too!
Louie (Season 5)This much shorter season of the beloved FX show got cut because of drug use. Really.
There are bunch of stories about it.
Here’s one.
Here is another. Doesn’t matter because genius is genius.
MARCH 7
Cuckoo (Seasons 1-2)Brit series about a middle class family whose overachieving daughter falls for an American New Age slacker with hygiene issues (Andy Samberg).
Halo: The Fall of Reach (Season 1)Animated series based on the original book that explains the origins of Spartan 117.
Sin Filtro (2016)Spanish-language comedy about a woman whose life as a human doormat comes to abrupt end after a visit to a Chinese acupuncturist.
MARCH 9
The Returned (Season 1)US version of the French supernatural drama about the dead reappearing. Not a zombie drama in that they don’t crave brains or rot. Yet.
MARCH 10
Comedy Bang! Bang! (Season 4, Part 3)More comedy, more bang.
Hateship Loveship (2013)Kristen Wiig’s continues her to dominate the indie movie scene with one pivotal performance after another. In this turn, Wiig plays a painfully shy woman who becomes the target of a teen girl and her iPhone.
MARCH 11
Dinotrux (Season 2)Following the footsteps of
Robotix, Zoids, and
Transformer Dinobots, this is another stab at the robot-dinosaur animated market, starring the Reptools, dinos who both battle other dinos and fix things.
Flaked (Season 1)Will Arnett stars in this original Netflix series about a con artist self-help guru.
Netflix Presents: The Characters (Season 1)Netflix’s new sketch series with Lauren Lapkus, Kate Berlant, John Early, Tim Robinson and Henry Zebrowski.
Popples (Season 2)Holy shit, it’s the fucking
Popples. These were stuffed animals (I use the term loosely) carried by the braid-suckers in my second grade class that would fold into themselves thanks to a pocket on their back. Directly caused the Great Hamster Folding Massacre of 1985.
A Netflix reboot of a crap ‘90s cartoon with zero charm. Here's the original just to prove how bad the source material is.
MARCH 12
Shelter (2015)Paul Bettany goes behind the camera force his wife to stand in unflattering lighting in various New York alleys. Pic stars Jennifer Connelly and Anthony Mackie as a heroine addict and a Nigerian immigrant who fall for each other.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1QWudLnDyZw
MARCH 15
10,000 Saints (2015)Asa Butterfield, Ethan Hawke Hailee Steinfeld and Emile Hirsch star in this coming-of-age tale set in ‘80s New York about a group of outsiders who form their own little surrogate family.
4Got10 (2015)Man wakes up in the middle of the desert with no memory, $4 million in cash, a pile of corpses and the law hot on his tail. Stars...wait for it...Dolph Lundgren.
The Falling (2015)Maisie Williams stars in this quirky Brit drama about a young girl in an all-girls boarding school whose student body becomes subject to strange fainting spells.
Final Girl (2015)The hunted becomes the hunter in this turn-the-tables blah thriller about a young girl who is more lethal than she appears.
Finders Keepers (2015)Documentary about a man who finds an amputated leg in a grill he bought at an auction.
Ok, I haven’t seen this, but Jesus, that logline make me want to watch the hell out of this pic.
War Pigs (2015)Dolph Lundgren and Mickey Rourke are America’s last chance against the Nazis as...Jesus Christ., really? Our last chance against the Nazis? What are we fighting them for? The bottom of the barrel?
MARCH 16
Are You Here (2014)Owen Wilson and Zach Galifianakis star in this buddy road trip movie as a womanizer takes his barely functioning friend on the road to his father’s funeral.
Charlie St. Cloud (2010)Zac Efron stars in this supernatural drama about a young man who is unable to move on with his life as he is haunted by the memory (and sometimes ghost) of his younger brother.
Gridiron Gang (2006)Juvenile delinquents learn to believe in themselves when the Rock teaches them football.
Larry Crowne (2011)Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts star in this romantic comedy about corporate downsizing and a midlife crisis. Hanks stars in the titular role as a man who trades in his 401k for term papers as he returns to school after getting laid off.
Promised Land (2012)Matt Damon, John Krasinski (who penned the script), Frances McDormand, and Hal Holbrook star in Gus Van Sant’s small town drama about a corporation vs. locals over drilling rights.
MARCH 18
He Never Died (2015)Horror comedy(ish) in which Henry Rollins plays an emo cannibal. Hijinks ensue.
Marvel's Daredevil (Season 2)Punisher! Elektra! Still not sucking!
Netflix gave us this because it’s my birthday. You are welcome, everyone.
The Mr. Peabody and Sherman Show (Season 2)Mr. Peabody and his pet human Sherman return for another round of time-traveling shenanigans.
My Beautiful Broken Brain (2016)David Lynch produced documentary about Lotje Sodderland, a woman who began seeing the world, “like a David Lynch movie” after experiencing a stroke.
Pee-Wee's Big Holiday (2016)Everyone’s favorite man-child goes on holiday for the very first time ever.
Seriously. I’m more excited about this than I am about Christmas. And it’s not because I’m Jewish.
‘Cause honestly, I’m sort of a terrible Jew.
MARCH 22
The Art of Organized Noize (2016)A look at the Dirty South movement and its impact on hip-hop culture. Featuring Outkast, 2 Chainz, Ludacris, Future and Lil Wayne.
The Ouija Experiment 2: Theatre of Death (2015)The message board reviews on IMDb are more fun than this movie.
MARCH 24
The Forbidden Kingdom (2008)An American teen travels to China where he joins forces with ninjas to try and free the imprisoned Monkey King. Stars Jet Li and Jackie Chan because, yes.
A Promise (2013)Rebecca Hall plays a woman who has an affair with her husband’s (Alan Rickman) student in this epic drama set in 1900s Germany.
MARCH 31
Bachelor Party 2: The Last Temptation (2007)Another straight to video sex comedy, because apparently there was a fire sale on distribution rights of some sort. Arriving 30 years after its predecessor, the only note of this drek was that it was directed by a
Project Greenlight finalist.
Fright Night 2 (2013)Substandard sequel to the beloved cult favorite, this time with a lady bloodsucker.
Murder Rap: Inside the Biggie and Tupac Murders (2015)Michael Dorsey’s intriguing look at the murders of Tupac and Biggie using police files and interviews.
Sunshine Superman (2015)Fascinating documentary on Carl Boenish, “the father of modern BASE jumping.”