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DISNEY Looking At MARY POPPINS Story SAVING MR. BANKS

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Disney's latest project is a Black-List script about the making of Mary Poppins called Saving Mr. Banks.

According to Deadline, the company is about to close a deal to make the movie about how Walt Disney persuaded author P.L. Travers to sell the rights to make a film version of Mary Poppins. Written by Kelly Marcel, the film aims to show the 14 years of development that went into creating one of Disney's most popular and best selling films.

Travers was a writer that had a very personal connection with the story she had written of a nanny with magical powers. The story she had written include many hardships that she had experienced in her own life including the short relationship she had with her father who died when she was only seven.

The bulk of the script focuses on how she hated parts of the film and refused to ever sell any more of her works to Disney. Even though the film was a hit she severed all ties with the company.

The script was on the 2011 Black List and Disney has been working on it for awhile. There are rumors that Tom Hanks is being looked at for Disney and Meryl Streep as Travers.



Arnold Schwarzenegger And Sylvester Stallone Enter THE TOMB

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Summit Entertainment announced today that Arnold Schwarzenegger is officially starring opposite Sylvester Stallone in THE TOMB.

The film is set to be directed by Mikael Hafstrom (1408, THE RITE), based on the screenplay originally written by Miles Chapman (ROAD HOUSE 2: LAST CALL) with a rewrite by Jason Keller (MACHINE GUN PREACHER, MIRROR MIRROR).

THE TOMB centers on Ray Breslin (Stallone), the world's foremost authority on structural security. His knowledge of high security prisons is put to the test when he finds himself incarcerated in the master prison of his own design. Schwarzenegger plays a complex inmate who fights to keep the prisoners from losing their humanity as they struggle together to stay alive in the prison.

Stallone and Schwarzenegger will also share the screen this year in THE EXPENDABLES 2. Hmmm, it's almost as if they enjoy working together...

Hell, they even have surgery together.  Now that's bromantic!


Gaming Valentine Woes

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As it's Valentine's Day next week I thought I'd abandon my usual ranting to talk about love.

Although themes of love exist within games, love and relationships are rarely explored outside of the RPG genre.

You only have to look at the Final Fantasy franchise to see that!

Still, the majority of games lightly graze the surface or subtly hint about love but it’s never in a way that drives the story. Our poor heroes often get dealt a bad hand when it comes to in-game relationships and there's no tutorial for love.

So, I’ve decided to act as Agony Aunt to some of video games’ most troubled Valentines...


Dear Mario,

Over the years You’ve fought turtles, giant bullets and weird... brown... mushroom things with teeth all to prove your love of Princess Peach. 

I’m sorry to be the one to break this to you but I don’t think Peach has ever technically been kidnapped by Bowser. Seems like she’s cheating on you with a muscular, fire-breathing castellan. What's more, she’s just not into you and though she may be little more than an attention seeker, she might be a little out of your league. 

You’re a plumber and she’s a princess (just saying). I’m going to go out on a limb here and say you probably smell of rancid water and sewage (nature of the job and all...) aaaaand you spend an unhealthy amount of time with your brother. 

There’s also the drug addiction; those mushrooms aren’t the same as the ones in your mama’s secret spaghetti sauce recipe, Mario. 

Ever wonder why she gets “kidnapped” so often? Or why you there’s always an unlimited number of Bowser’s kids in each castle? Where do they come from?! Either he’s mad about adoption or – and I don’t like to be the one to say it but um - Bowser and Peach have been pretty busy. Sorry, you might want to give Daisy a try.




Dear Dr. Freeman,

 
Let’s talk about a certain Alyx Vance. 

Not only do you have her father’s blessing but Alyx is totally into you. You can’t say you haven’t noticed the tension between you! She blushed when her dad brought it up. You spend all of your time in the lab, wearing nothing but that tight radiation suit and even though you have a morphine dependency, she still finds you attractive. 

Alyx obviously likes the strong, silent type and despite coming across as a willful independent lady I can tell she's actually very traditional and doesn’t want to make the first move. 

You need to take the lead and tell her your feelings or she might lose interest. You have a voice, so use it Gordon! You live in a world where the population has been severely slaughtered. Take a chance on Alyx, she might be the only decent woman you’ll meet...or the only woman at all for that matter! 

You’ve been through so much bad stuff that you deserve to settle down with Alyx. You already have a dog – well, um... a robot that thinks it’s a dog. That’s a start though!


Dear Barry,

We all know who your Valentine is and Jill certainly lives up to her name sake, however it appears you need a little guidance when speaking to potential partners. 

Women don’t like to be objectified and referring to Jill as the filling in a delicious sandwich is bad practice. While this may be complimentary in your eyes, the term “Jill Sandwich” is rather derogatory and if you want a chance to sweep Jill off her feet, this isn’t the way to go about it. There’s also the rather awkward work ethics to consider. Generally, colleagues shouldn’t date and most companies frown upon it. Check with S.T.A.R.S. or consider re-reading your contract just to be safe! 

If you’re not careful Jill could get you in trouble for inappropriate conduct in the work place. What's most frustrating is that you started off so well, with gifts of lockpicks and the compliments but perhaps next time you want to give her a gift, maybe try something different? 


While she is the master of unlocking and certainly appreciates them she might like a few other shiny objects? And by that I definitely don’t mean ink ribbons. 

Oh, and you ought to stick around a bit instead of wandering off all the time. Jill won’t see you as potential boyfriend material if you’re never around for her to notice.




Dear Dom,

For the love of God, shut the hell up! I don’t mean to sound so aggressive but we all know you love Maria. 

We don’t need to hear it whilst we’re slaughtering grubs or trying to take on a horde of tickers. You signed up to fight, so fight. 

Also, tattoos of loved ones? Generally those aren’t a good idea. I understand that you love her but she’s gone now. A brooding, muscular, romantic like you needs to move on and find a new girlfriend. 

There’s no replacing Maria but there are other fish in the sea (second thoughts, the only fish in your sea are angry alien ones with sharp teeth – so ignore that). 

Caring for your new vegetable patch is a great way to deal with loss and is wonderfully nurturing. Plus, it has the added benefit of providing nourishment but this new found love in your tomatoes – well, it’s unhealthy but more importantly it’s unrequited. Perhaps there are some other feelings that you’ve ignored but have suddenly come to light since Maria’s untimely departure? Your one true, intimate relationship has been in front of you all along but was masked by a beautiful Latino lady. You might not want to believe it but Marcus Fenix has always been there for you. 

Trustworthy, dependable and willing to risk his life for you, he’s just the thing you need. He could have co-oped with Anya anytime he wanted but there’s only one love of his life. You, Dom... you. 

All this time you’ve been so blind. Well, consider me your seeing eye-dog. Next time he's screaming out in pain, rush over there and pick him up - but as you do, just give his meaty, veiny neck a little kiss. 

See what happens.



I know I’ve only been able to offer my advice to a handful of star-crossed lovers and would-be Casanova's and I sincerely hope my advice reaches them well. I expect to see a wedding invite Gordon (I want an excuse to buy a new hat!) and I hope you find it in yourself to move on, Mario. As for all you other desperate romantic sprites, sorry I’ve been unable to reply. Let's hope you fare better next year.

Until next year, have a Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!

Love,
Emma-Jane


BUY DUFF BEER And Embrace the Alcoholic Sensation

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I am a sucker for anything with an alcoholic content of 4.7% as well as a product that reminds me of the first ten years of The Simpsons, so you can bet that I am going to be ordering a $40 case of Duff Beer.

First thing to know, this is not made in the US (the company is from the UK) so if you want a glass of pure amber heaven, you're going to have to shell out some serious D'oh for shipping (I tell you this because with the cost, you are going to have to pick and choose your Duff moments carefully like me- which is sitting in my basement listening to Queen).

But don't worry about hording it away and not sharing it with anyone else in your life. This is a precious commodity of nostalgia that you can intake into your body and become one with, so anyone who has a healthy respect for the insanity that is pop culture will completely understand your newest obsession (even if they think your fanatic interest in Haley Mills movies is a bit weird).

After the break is a little mood music to woo you into buying this product.




Source: Uncrate


WHEN NERDY GEEKS BECOME WEATHERMEN

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The Nerdy Geek: the odd hybrid that occurs when a D&D player leaves the basement to become a productive member of society but still retains enough nerdy/geek in him/her that it can't help but come out.

North Michigan weatherman Tom Murphy is the epitome of Nerdy Geekdom and God of War love him, he makes every cloud just a bit happier.

I wonder if he still owns a cape and smells like spray cheese.

Source The Daily What


Odd Bedfellows on a Plate – Part 2

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As I mentioned in the first part of this article back in December, Japanese food isn’t just about the sushi.

Or the fugu.

There’s a whole lot more, starting with the biggest meal of all – that consumed by… the sumo.


Chewing the Fat

Sumo is one of Japan’s more internationally famous sports, probably because the spectacle of two exceptionally plump men – in a nation of exceptionally skinny people – wrestling one another, clad only in loin-cloths is, well, fascinating.

Sumo wrestlers would be nothing without their diet, though we do dangle the word “diet” here in an ironic sense.

Chanko-nabe is the food of the sumo. It’s a huge, simmering hot-pot that is chock-full of meat, fish and vegetables, best mixed with soy sauce, but sometimes also blended with mirin, miso, sake, and dashi stock (shavings of dried skipjack tuna mixed with edible kelp).


Leftover broth is often then consumed with a hefty plate of noodles.

It’s as highly nutritious in protein as it is gut busting, and is the principle dish gorged by sumo wrestlers to extend their hefty waistlines and add to already-impressive girths.

Some wrestlers enjoy the concoction so much that they quit the ring and instead become the chanko-cho, or chief chanko chef, for their wrestling stables, and eventually open their own restaurants – often with sumo memorabilia from their workhorse days adorning the walls.

To my blinkered eyes at least there’s no finer chanko-nabe to be had in Ryogoku, than at a fine establishment called Yoshiba.



The building that houses Yoshiba (see photo above) was erected in 1948 as a prominent sumo wrestling club and practice stadium for the famous, 200-year-old Miyagino stable, and nine years later the premises were handed down to the stable’s coach, former distinguished yokuzuna (sumo grand champion) Yoshibayama, who passed away in 1977.

After that, the building was recast as a restaurant (in 1983), maintaining the sumo ring and the practice rooms in their original state.

Kappo Yoshiba, named after the aforementioned yokuzuna, is hardly a small place itself. The restaurant can seat up to 250 people, it boasts a sushi bar and a voluminous fish-tank, and while the place is invariably busy, the service from the staff is brilliant – so much so, it leaves you despondent that the custom of tipping is a foreign one in Japan.


There’s also daily entertainment in the sumo ring in the center of the restaurant, which veers from guys in yukata (summer robes) singing traditional sumo songs, to a group of rowdy musicians strumming away on a shamisen in a more quirky, contemporary style.
But the focus here, of course, is the chanko-nabe, and the seriously skewed attempts to finish this herculean dish. Give yourself a day or two to recover – and try not to remember that sumo champions and their lesser ilk guzzle gallons of the chunky nectar on a daily basis.

Too Many Cooks

While not quite sumo wrestlers, DJ/producer Jin Hiyama and his brother Go, also a respected techno-house producer in Tokyo, love raw horse sashimi.


Basashi is my favorite food,” Jin says. “We love it.” When it comes to other local delicacies like inago (locusts) and hachinoko (bee larvae) however, he draws back. “The Hiyamas don’t eat insects.”

Syuji Wada, better known as DJ Wada  and a former member of techno act Co-Fusion, says that while he’s hardly a veteran, he’s tried basashi (raw horse) and shirako (male genitalia of fish) – once or twice.


"I had basashi in Kumamoto and it was delicious,” he relates. “I also ate shirako in Sapporo, but the taste wasn’t so strong. It was more like vinegar.”

Fellow electronic musician Lili Hirakawa begs to differ.

“I love shirako. It’s kind of a common dish, easily found at old izakayas,” she says. “I order it every time. It’s fluffy, creamy and very soft... I can't find any difference between toasted shirako and toasted marshmallows.” She does, however, draw a culinary line with hachinoko and inago. “No way! They’re bugs! I had ant soup in another Asian country – that was the first and last time, I hope.”



Kaz Haruna, who works with the International Division of renowned anime studio Gonzo, laughs at the thought of such refined foodstuffs as inago, shirako and hachinoko.

“After all these years I haven’t tried any of them, which is strange – but perhaps not so strange, given the raw materials of these fine dishes…”


AND I THOUGHT THE MUSIC OF KENNY G WAS UPSETTING

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I would like to think I will recover from this video.

But I'm pretty sure I won't.

Source: Videogum


INDIANA JONES AND THE SECRET OF THE SPREADABLE SNACK FOOD

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I don't know about you, but I look at Nutella in the exact same psychotic way that Alfred Molina does in this commercial.

And I'm not apologizing for it.

Source: Topless Robot



Michael Biehn Takes On The Apocalypse In THE DIVIDE

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The Divide is not only Gens’ best work, but the first five-star film of 2012.”
-Jason Coleman, Starpulse.com

ANCHOR BAY ENTERTAINMENT PRESENTS
THE DIVIDE

Starring Lauren German, Michael Biehn, Milo Ventimiglia, Courtney B. Vance, Iván González,
Michael Eklund with Ashton Holmes and Rosanna Arquette.
 Taking over on Unrated Blu-ray™ and DVD on April 17.

It only took a moment for the world to change. And for those who survived, they’ll wish they hadn’t... 

On April 17, Anchor Bay Entertainment dares you to witness the unnerving claustrophobic post-apocalyptic thriller The Divide. Starring Lauren German (Hostel: Part II, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre) Michael Biehn (Tombstone, The Abyss, The Terminator), Milo Ventimiglia (“Heroes,” Rocky Balboa), Courtney B. Vance (The Hunt for Red October, Final Destination 5), Iván González (Rich Kids), Michael Eklund (Watchmen, 88 Minutes), Ashton Holmes (“Revenge,” A History of Violence) and Rosanna Arquette (Pulp Fiction, The Whole Nine Yards), the Anchor Bay Films release generated massive buzz at last year’s SXSW Festival and placed second at the Toronto After Dark Film Festival for Best Feature Film.  Just like the recent theatrical release, The Divide is presented unrated and uncut on Blu-ray™ and DVD. SRP is $29.99 for the Blu-ray™/DVD combo and $26.98 for DVD.  Pre-book is March 21st.

A sudden nuclear attack forces nine strangers into a small, decrepit apartment building basement for shelter. Trapped for days underground with no hope of rescue, and unknown horrors awaiting them outside, the group begins to descend into madness, acting out vicious bouts of psychological and physical torture upon one another. As supplies dwindle, tensions flare, and they grow increasingly deranged, each digresses into a volatile and primal state of being.  As everyone in the bunker gradually sheds the humanity they once held, even the thinnest chance of escape holds no promise of salvation on the outside.

Eight Rooks from Twitch named The Divide “far and away one of the highlights of the year,” and David Voigt from The Examiner gave it “4 out of 5 stars! A tense, claustrophic and stunning thriller.” Arrow in the Head’s John Fallon declared the film “a lean, mean and nasty little masterpiece,” while AICN Horror’s Mark L. Miller called it “truly harrowing.”

The Divide Blu-ray™/DVD combo and DVD include an audio commentary with director Xavier Gens, and actors Michael Biehn, Milo Ventimiglia and Michael Eklund, and the theatrical trailer.

About Anchor Bay Entertainment
Anchor Bay Entertainment is the home entertainment division of Starz Media, LLC. It includes the Anchor Bay Films and Manga Entertainment brands. It distributes feature films, children’s entertainment, fitness, TV series, documentaries, anime and other filmed entertainment on Blu-ray™ and DVD formats. Headquartered in Beverly Hills, CA, Anchor Bay Entertainment has offices in Troy, MI, as well as Canada, the United Kingdom and Australia. Starz Media (www.starzmedia.com) is an operating unit of Starz, LLC, a wholly-owned subsidiary of Liberty Media Corporation (NASDAQ: LMCA).


WOMAN PREGNANT WITH VENOM'S BABY

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Well, I guess it's true then: Some people are just born Evil.

Pre-school should be a lot of fun.


DC Comics Announces SMALLVILLE SEASON 11

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Following the lead of Dark Horse continuing the Buffy/Angel franchises into comics, DC has announced that Smallville will continue in a new hybrid digital/print series launching in April.

And apparently he's wearing the blue trunks of the New 52 version.

Press release after the jump.




Smallville Fans Rejoice! New Comic Book Series, SMALLVILLE SEASON 11, to Pick Up Where Show Left Off

Fans of the smash-hit TV series Smallville haven’t had much to cheer about since the show ended its critically acclaimed 10-year run on The CW last May.  That’s all going to change with the upcoming new comic book series from DC Entertainment: SMALLVILLE SEASON 11.  Written by former Smallville show scribe Bryan Q. Miller, the new digital first series will be published digitally on April 13, 2012, with new digital chapters released weekly thereafter.  Additionally, the online chapters will be offered in a print periodical, along with an episode guide to the hit television series, with the first print issue released on May 16.

The new comic book series picks-up where the show left off (with Clark officially now as Superman!) and features other fan-favorite characters including Oliver Queen/Green Arrow, Chloe Sullivan-Queen, Lois Lane, Lex Luthor, and General Lane.  The book features an all-star creative team – in addition to Miller, SMALLVILLE SEASON 11 creators include print cover artist Gary Frank (SUPERMAN SECRET ORIGIN), digital cover artist Cat Staggs and interiors by Pere Perez (BATGIRL).

“Six months after Clark Kent donned the cape and took to the skies to save Earth from Apokolips… enter Season 11!” enthuses Miller.  “New allies abound!  New enemies afoot!  And old friends return where they’re least expected!  Pere and colorist Chris Beckett have done a fantastic job of capturing the look of the show and the players, and Gary and Cat are knocking it out of the park on covers. I couldn’t be more excited to help give seasoned viewers and new readers an all-access pass to Clark’s first year in the cape.”

Smallville: The Complete Series is available on DVD now.


DreamWorks is Remaking HITCHCOCK'S REBECCA

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The Alfred Hitchcock classic Rebecca is being remade by DreamWorks.

Variety reports that the studio is working on making Daphne du Maruier's novel a big screen hit. The newest adaptation of the book will come from Steven Knight. Hitchcock's adaptation came out in 1940 and starred Joan Fontaine and Laurence Olivier.

The story of Rebecca revolves around an unnamed American woman who marries a rich Englishman only to start hearing the voices of his first wife, Rebecca, upon moving into his fancy estate. As time goes on she discovers a whole mystery about the life and death of Rebecca.

Knight is known for writing the screenplays to Dirty Pretty Things and Eastern Promises.


JON VOIGHT, ELLIOT GOULD Cast in RAY DONOVAN

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For Showtime's latest drama Ray Donovan, Jon Voight and Elliot Gould will be joining Liev Schreiber.

Hitfix reports that the two actors will be joining the show about a LA troubleshooter that fixes all the big problems for the celebrities of the city. Along with Scheiber, Eddie Marsan and Dash Mihok have also been cast.

While Ray Donovan is able to fix all the problems for the famous, but unable to solve the issues in his own life with his family. The show was created by Ann Biderman from Southland.

Voight will be playing the role of Ray's father who is an ex-convict who returns to LA after leaving jail to reconnect with is family. Gould is set to play Ezra Goodman, a lawyer and mentor/confidante to Ray that is also dealing with dementia.

Production on the pilot for Ray Donovan is set to start in Los Angeles early this year.


First Images From SEVEN PSYCHOPATHS

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Check out these first images from the new movie The Seven Psychopaths.

EW gives us these new pics from Martin McDonagh's latest project starring Colin Farrell, Woody harrelson, Christopher Walken, and Sam Rockwell. The story revolves around a gangster(Harrelson) that loses it when his dog is stolen by a dog thief(Walken) and an unemployed actor(Rockwell). Farrell's character is a screenwriter that gets involved when he tries to help out his actor friend.

Abbie Cornish, Olga Kurylenko, Tom Waits, and Gabourey Sidibe also star in the movie. Check out the images after the break.





First Trailer For SEEKING A FRIEND AT THE END OF THE WORLD

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It's the end of the earth now and it's time to watch the trailer for Seeking a Friend at the End of the World.

Focus Features gives us the first trailer for the new film that stars Steve Carell and Keira Knightley. The movie is set in the future and revolves around two people that really have done much with their lives. As they get together and find love, the world looks a little better even though it's still ending.

The film is the directorial debut for screenwriter Lorene Scafaria (Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist). Watch the trailer after the break.











Legendary Pictures Shuts Down PARADISE LOST With BRADLEY COOPER

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The big-budget adaptation of the John Milton poem Paradise Lost that would have starred Bradley Cooper has been shut down.

According to The Hollywood Reporter, the budget was too big and special effects were too complex and expensive. The film would have had Cooper star alongside Djimon Hounsou, Casey Affleck, Benjamin Walker, Camilla Belle and Rufus Sewell.

The project had Alex Proyas set to direct, but with a budget of $120 million it was too much for the studio and now it's been shut down. Now Milton's epic poem will have to wait again to be made into a movie.

Legendary felt that to accurately show Milton's vision of the war between heaven and hell it needed to have special effects similar to those seen in Avatar. Executives discovered that the technology needed to get those effects just wasn't in the budget.

The studio has been trying to make more in-house financed projects instead of working with other financiers. Currently in production are Guillermo del Toro's Pacific Rim and the fantasy Seventh Son.


NAOMI WATTS Will Play Princess Diana in CAUGHT IN FLIGHT

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In the biopic Caught in Flight Naomi Watts is looking to play the late Princess Diana.

According to Variety, the actress will be the lead for the film directed by Oliver Hirschbiegel with a script from Stephen Jeffreys. Production on the project is supposed to start later this year in England.

The film will focus on the last two years of Diana's life and her difficulties with finding personal happiness and her life as a humanitarian and troubles with being in the public spotlight.

Watts' next role is starring in The Impossible with Ewan McGregor. Talking about her role as royalty she said "It is such an honor to be able to play this iconic role -- Princess Diana was loved across the world and I look forward to rising to the challenge of playing her on screen."


17 New Pictures From Season Two of GAME OF THRONES

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The second season of Game of Thrones is still quite a ways away, but now you can at least look at some pictures from the continuing story.

Here are 17 brand new pictures to make the wait to April a little bit easier. You'll see characters like Brienne, Tyrion, Balon Greyjoy, Arya, Daenerys, Sansa, Joffrey, Renly, Melisandre, Stannis, Jon Snow, Theon, and Davos in these pictures with returning and new character. Season two stars on April 1st this year. Check out all the images right after the jump.





 











Did Michael Showalter Just Confirm WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER 2 Or Is He Just Joking Around?

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The Huffington Post reports that Michael Showalter has confirmed a sequel to 2001's WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER, the cult comedy classic that he wrote and starred in.

When asked if the rumored sequel is happening, comedian Showalter told WATCH WHAT HAPPENS LIVE host Andy Cohen:

"Absolutely yes. One hundred percent yes. The whole gang. Everyone's back. We're doing it."
Yet, I'm still not convinced; like the long rumored ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT movie, this seems to good to be true (until that other dream DID officially become a reality).

First off, Showalter, like his friend and co-star Michael Ian Black, is the king of deadpan comedy. I would not be surprised in the slightest if "One hundred percent yes" is just him joking around with us, after all, it is what he does for a living.

Combine that with the fact "The whole gang. Everyone's back" seems very unlikely because "everyone" includes current superstars Paul Rudd, Amy Poehler, Bradley Cooper, and Elizabeth Banks, not to mention Janeane Garofalo, David Hyde Pierce, Michael Ian Black, Christopher Meloni,  Molly Shannon, Ken Marino, and Joe Lo Truglio. Just like with ARRESTED, it would take a miracle to get that entire cast back at an affordable enough price to make a profitable sequel to a movie that was very unpopular at the time.

Maybe I'm wrong to be so skeptical. Watch Showalter yourself after the jump and draw your own conclusions.


I WAS MOLESTED BY Law & Order: SVU

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Law & Order.

Just those two words send shivers down my spine. The show is like an embrace by a great a love. It is comforting, solid and so very, very warm.

I could be in another room and the familiar tremble of Jack McCoy’s voice (Sam Waterson) coming over the speakers of my 5.1 surround sound system would feel like a soft kiss on my cheek.  Oh how I love you Jack and your grey moral center.

Don't Worry, Everything is Going to Be Okay

But then something happened.

Netflix that great time-suck of the millennia, only has eight seasons of my beloved show listed on the menu and thus I am stuck. Do I return to TNT (where the show plays in servitude to the syndication gods)  and the pathetic interruption of commercials? What happens when there is a continuation episode and they don’t actually play it? How can I sink deeper into character idolization if there is no linear timeline (I mean we are not living in a Deep Space Nine here, there are no Wormhole aliens to mess with the continuum).

And yes, when I reached the final episode of Law and Order on Netflix I will admit to humming the love song to Con Air (How Can I Live Without You) because that’s how much I have my life wrapped up in a police/law procedural show.

So what would be the next logical step for me, a rabid fan of both Law and of Order?

It was to be Law and Order: Special Victims Unit and that, my friends, is where I learned there is a limit to just how comforting sodomy with a banana can be to a television junkie.


To say I was unprepared seems naïve. Yes, I understood that the show was about sex crimes but I figured, just like my old Law and Order, it would move past the horror of the crime and settle into a place where a knowledgeable attorney would come down on the defendant like Sylvester Stallone in Cobra and the bad guy would go to jail.

But oh how wrong I was.

This was not about order; this was about massive amounts of rape, kiddie porn and the occasional violation of an orifice with a previously beloved fruit that will never again be introduced into my mouth lest I vomit and have to go into counseling.




And now, thanks to SVU, I can’t be touched (which just goes to prove that perhaps watching a show about sex crimes for twelve straight hours might not be such a good thing).

(Actual scene that happened at my house)

Husband: So, I was thinking that after I finish up the dishes you and I can spend some time together.

Me: Really?

Husband: (putting his arms around my waist) Yeah, I think you should get reacquainted with Mr. Happy.
Me: BAD TOUCH! BAD TOUCH!

Husband: Didn’t I tell you to stop watching SVU?...Hey, put down the phone, you are not calling the police!  Don’t make me get a banana!

(End of scene)

So now I am alone and confused. I spend my days wondering if around every corner lies a faceless intruder carrying a platter of fruit to be used on me against my will.

I can no longer watch any television. Even cooking shows frighten me (I once happened to see an especially phallic-shaped grouping of celery and had to be sated with Tylenol PM).

My life is over.

At least the part that surrounds Law & Order, but I do have hope that perhaps one day, I will be strong enough to look at Netflix again and see that another few seasons of Jack McCoy will be listed and life will go back to normal.

Because if it doesn’t, banana pudding is going to be a catalyst for a major breakdown.


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