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EVERY WOODY ALLEN STAMMER From Every Woody Allen Movie

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Hello boys and girls, For the next 44:21 we will be viewing every iconic Woody Allen stammer that has appeared in a Woody Allen movie because that's exactly what the internet is for (aside from pornography). 

You will be expected to know which stammer appeared in which movie, the cadence of each one and how phlegmy it sounds.

There will be a test so keep copious notes.

Extra points will be given to any student who can make it through the entire video.

You may begin.
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JUSTIFIED: "Peace of Mind" S4E12 (recap)

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By Steve Ahlquist
This episode starts with a phone call between Raylan (Timothy Olyphant) and his estranged ex-wife Winona (Natalie Zea), who is pregnant with their child, a little girl, as it turns out.

Poor Raylan doesn't know anything about raising a girl, of course, and one can only imagine the terrors he'll suffer when his daughter becomes a teenager.


Raylan arrives at the Marshall's office in time for some applause. He did after all bring in Sheriff Shelby/Drew Thompson (Jim Beaver).



Drew has decided that his deal needs to include the safety and protection of ex-prostitute Ellen May (Abby Miller). Ellen May was targeted by Boyd Crowder (Walton Goggins) and Ava (Joelle Carter) after she witnessed Ava kill a man.

Drew Thompson, while still acting as the Sheriff of Harlan County, rescued Ellen May before she was killed and hid her.

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SXSW Recap - Film Reviews

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By Todd Sokolove
I survived my first SXSW Film, and I'm still basking in the afterglow of it all.

In addition to outstanding World Premiere of Evil Dead, which I reviewed on Forces of Geek here, this year's SXSW Film had an amazing array of movies to geek out over.

Here are seven of the highlights...

Zero Charisma
This low budget comedy was my favorite film seen at SXSW.   You don't have to be a geek to appreciate this story of a "Game Master" who exerts too much control over his nerdy friends during their weekly fantasy role playing game.  When a hipster douche moves into an empty slot, all hell breaks lose. Actor/comedian Sam Eldson, in his first major role here, is outstanding as the GM, bringing humanity into what would have otherwise been a stereotypical character.  It's also one of the funniest films I've seen in a long time, and one of the most engaging comedies I've seen an audience react to since Napoleon Dynamite.



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The List: Heartthrobs in Action

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Any woman who tells you that we can't be just as shallow as the guys when it comes to looks is frankly, full of it.

We gals can be just as charmed by looks as our male counterparts, and that goes for our tastes at the box-office too.

Ever since the dream factory kicked into high gear in the golden age of Hollywood, audiences (male and female) can't say no to a pretty/handsome face. But in the world of action movies, things have changed.

In the heydays of 80's action flicks, heroes weren't about looking good, they were about being bad-asses. But in 2013, a killer set of muscles isn't enough anymore, now we need a face and a ladies-man charm to go along with it. It's kind of amazing how pretty action stars have become over the years..which as a red-blooded girl is just fine with me.

Case in point: the new GI Joe hits theatres this week starring Channing Tatum, and front and centre are heroes that could probably head a men's fragrance campaign in between saving the world, and it's because of this new breed of action star that I was inspired for this instalment of The List.

But before I get started, don't think I'm trying to say that these fine, hardworking actors are little more than a piece of meat. I'm just saying that for every list of the hottest ladies of ____,  there are legions of women out there sizing up the boy candy on display at their local multiplex, and listed below are just a few.

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ONCE UPON A TIME: “Selfless, Brave and True” S1E18 (review)

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By Laura Akers
There’s little more frustrating than a bad ending. But if there is anything worse, it’s a bad ending to something that was otherwise quite good.

Take Battlestar Galactica, for instance.  The show was everything most of us never dreamed a Galactica reboot could be: serious and epic; great stories performed by great actors.

I got the chance to meet Edward James Olmos last year and thanked him for doing the show, pointing out that when actors of his stature do sci-fi, it helps to elevate the genre in many ways. He quickly corrected me: Galactica wasn’t really sci-fi. It was a drama that took place in space. And I must admit that I defer to Blade Runner’s Gaff on this.


What I didn’t have the heart to tell him is that no matter how much I liked the show, the ending almost ruined it for me. Yes, the show was more of a drama set in space than sci-fi. But its fan base was largely sci-fi geeks.

We’re smart people.

So when the last five minutes of the series is devoted to heavy-handed explication of the entire fucking series, not only are you wasting our time, but you’re talking down to an audience that doesn’t like (or need) to be patronized. We understood what we were seeing. We didn’t need the damned Cliff Notes.

Little House on the Prairie ended with the citizens of Walnut Grove blowing up the town. St. Elsewhere turned out to have been an autistic child’s fantasy. Hell, even the incredibly mediocre ALF was ruined at the end when the light-hearted show climaxed with the annoying alien being captured for eventual dissection.

To be fair, we can’t confuse a sad or tragic ending with a bad one.

M*A*S*H, for instance, ended with Hawkeye suffering a mental breakdown. Terrible, yes, but utterly in keeping with the theme of the show: largely about a group of people doing literally anything to keep their sanity in the face of the brutality of war. Remember the show was ostensibly about the Korean War, but based on a book released during the Vietnam “police action,” the film and TV show were largely about that latter conflict, and made in full knowledge of the terrible effect it had on our vets, many of whom are still living on the streets today due to the mental illness caused by what they saw and did half a world away. An ending does not need to be happy or hopeful to be the right ending.

Unfortunately, this week’s OUaT’s misses the mark and potentially cuts off one of the most interesting stories on the show.

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View From The Brig(gs) Episode 6: Return Of The Ennui

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Hi, Crazy-Gang. And, welcome to this week's "Penned-So-Randomly-It's-As-If-I'm-Rolling-Dice" go-round of everything that tickles my cerebellum.

I've had an exhausting rollercoaster of a week.

Unfortunately, I can't really talk about much of it.

For most people, a movie is something that opens on a Friday night, that maybe they saw a trailer for in the weeks prior to its release. The Geek Fraternity knows that there's a bit more to get to that point: namely, months and years of work and (often) anguish behind the scenes.

There's good stuff, too. Gary Kurtz and myself had some "interesting" developments this week on "PANZER 88", and hopefully you'll be reading the positive sides of this in the entertainment business trades in the weeks ahead.


It's just irritating that so much of this is shrouded in legality, and requires ink to dry on pages before we can blab.

Argh!


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THREAT LEVEL MIDNIGHT: Gay Men Are Ready to Play Some Hardball If You Don't Support Marriage Equality

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I'm not going to beat around the bush here, I fully support another human being's right to legally bind themselves to another if that's what they so choose. It just comes down to the fact that if you are lucky enough to find someone who can consider looking at your stupid fucking face year in and year out without wanting to smother you to death in your sleep, their reward should be, at the very least, options to healthcare coverage and tax deductions.

All other arguments against this right are invalid.

But here's the caveat, if you still believe that marriage should only be between a man and a woman, gay men are willing to take one for the team and marry the shit out of your girlfriends.

Yeah, you heard that correctly...they are going to marry the all the women until no straight man has a dating option left.

And trust me when I say that their plans are pretty clear (judging from their threats in the video below).

You have been warned.
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Artsy, Jockish, Brainy, Geeky

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As I have dug through my identity as a nerd, as a black man, and where they intersect (and don't), I have hit upon certain ways I go against the grain in all of those arenas.

I even wrote a column about my nerd sacrileges.

I left out one, and here it is. I am an artsy-intellectual nerd, and I like sports.

Yup, call me a traitor. As an artsy nerd, I'm supposed to be totally at odds with jocks and sports.

I used to buy this hype myself, to some degree. It likely began with the simple fact that I was better at one column then the other. I wasn't naturally good at any sports, so I wasn't as interested as other kids. I can't play basketball well. Never played football. Barely touched baseball.


But I did have natural ability at the arts: singing, dancing, acting, drawing. And the intellectual: math, science, literature. So, I picked arts/intellect as my hobbies rather than sports.


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JON HAMM Would Like You To Stop Focusing On His HUGE Pork Loin

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Jon Hamm knows that you have already dedicated a large amount of time to downloading pictures of his clearly outlined penis in tight pants. And he's not judging you, it is, after-all, a magnificent piece of meat.

But he also hopes that the public could move past his schlong and focus on his other attributes like his acting or the way his chest looks in the moonlight after it's been oiled up with lotion.



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G.I. JOE: RETALIATION (review)

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Review by Seth Merritt
Produced by Lorenzo di Bonaventura, Brian Goldner 
Written by Rhett Reese, Paul Wernick 
Based on G.I. Joe by Hasbro 
Directed by Jon M. Chu
Starring Bruce Willis, Dwayne Johnson, D.J. Cotrona, 
Lee Byung-hun, Adrianne Palicki, Ray Park, 
Jonathan Pryce, Ray Stevenson, Channing Tatum
 
Paramount Pictures / Rated PG-13


I'll start off by saying I liked the 2009 G.I. Joe movie. It had a lot of flaws but I found it entertaining. 
 
Going into this movie I had high hopes. John Chu spent a lot of time talking through social media with The G.I. Joe collecting community and seemed to have a good mind for what us nerds wanted to see. 
 
The teasers all looked action packed and I liked the casting as well. 
 
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History of Science Fiction Cinema: Universal Horror, Space-Age Heroes, and a Giant Ape Falls in Love

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When asked what the dividing line between horror and sci-fi is, a friend once told me that if the monster is chased by torch-wielding villagers, it is horror, when the military gets involved, it is sci-fi.  Sound theory, I would say, especially when coming from this aforementioned friend, the kind of person one would call, up on such things.

So sound, in fact, that I am going to completely ignore said theory, and include James Whale's classic 1931 Universal Horror film, Frankenstein, in my look at the history of Sci-Fi Cinema.

But hey, I am also going to take a look at the equally classic 1933 monster movie, King Kong, full of plenty of military involvement, so that makes it all even steven, right?

Right. But, enough of this babble, let's get on with the story.

The science fiction genre, which had been growing bigger and bigger as the history of cinema grew, began to stagnate a bit in the early days of the sound era, and in its place came a slew of horror films, mostly from Universal Studios, whose name would become synonymous with the genre of horror.


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Damning with Faint Praise: GAME OF DEATH

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No, not the good one with Bruce Lee.

This is a 2010 action movie with Wesley Snipes, Zoe Bell, Robert Davi, Ernie Hudson, and Gary Daniels.

A bodyguard (Snipes) is injured along with the man (Davi) that he’s protecting when some assassins botch an attempt on the protected man. Both go to the same hospital for treatment, and the assassins (including Bell and Daniels) track them there.


The ensuing slobbernocker ranges from the mental ward to the infant care ward.


Verdict
How the mighty have fallen.

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EVERYTHING WRONG WITH THE MOVIE 'THE HOBBIT' In Four Minutes Or Less

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Spending my days on the internet has taught me one thing, get to the fucking point.

If you have an argument concerning a movie or television show, no one wants to weed through your rambling diatribe to find the meat of it. Keep your ideas on target and succinct and you'll be king/queen of the comments page.

Take this four minute rebuttal on The Hobbit for instance, it gets right to the point and I totally appreciate it (not that I necessarily agree with it). It's just nice for once to watch something that didn't make me want to curse humankind and wish for a plague.

Oh, and when your done watching the video, read the comments, they are hilarious.
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SCIENCE GEEK: Animals Shaking Off Water in Slo-Mo (Video)

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Having your dog get drenched from the rain, walk up next to you and proceed to shake himself like an epileptic until you too are wet and smelly is probably one of the more annoying acts your pup can do (besides throwing up in your bed or shitting on a forgotten-on-the-floor comic book).

But film the same act in slow motion, and now it looks like an artistic performance piece.

God, you have to love slo-mo.

Now this particular video is all about the effectiveness of various animals shaking water off itself and there are scientific measurements and all that stuff, but really, the only reason anyone would watch this is so we can see cute animals (minus the human) flinging water droplets off their bodies.

So go ahead, pretend you're science-minded for your friends, we all know you're going to be ahhing over the adorable hedgehog.

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Otaku Lounge: Family-Friendly Anime

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 There are many other similar articles like this scattered around the net, but this one is written with a couple of specific things in mind, other than simply being G-rated and thereby ‘child-safe’.

First off, they’re all anime which I would consider to be of decent quality.

I didn’t want to get stuck creating yet another list of shows based on card and video game franchises or heavily-censored fighting anime (i.e. Yu-Gi-Oh!, Pokémon, Dragon Ball Z, etc. etc).

Secondly, they’re anime that can hopefully be enjoyed not only by kids but also by their parents or older siblings, since I think it’s important that people who prefer to watch with their children can do so without feeling like the show is insulting their intelligence.

And finally, I wanted to include a variety of anime that wouldn’t appeal to only one demographic.

There’s often a big difference between what a 7-year old will love and what a 12-year old will, and of course whether a series will attract mainly boys or girls. Needless to say, this can be tricky since most anime tends to target a particular audience; that’s simply how the medium is marketed.

However, I’ve tried to include a range of shows that are hopefully not exclusive of any particular age group or gender. (Note that I am deliberately leaving out films for this list – mostly because I feel that they generally receive a lot more mainstream attention than television series, while my aim is to cover titles that are less likely to be considered.)

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THE IRON SHEIK GETS ANIMATED: Who Here Wants to Know About the Time The Sheik and Hacksaw Jim Duggan Got Busted By the Cops?

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I Do!

Everyone has at least one interesting story in them that can dazzle a crowd and while the Iron Sheik obviously has more than a few, this particular trip down his memory lane consisting of drugs, booze, cops, jail and yes, a wrestling match, far outweighs any stories you may have about seeing Yakov Smirnoff in Branson.

And, it's animated so right there it's going to be more awesome.

Judging by this little tale, the WWF must have been insane in the early-to-mid eighties.
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THE SAPPHIRES (review)

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Produced by Rosemary Blight, Kylie Du Fresne 
Screenplay by Keith Thompson, Tony Briggs 
Based on The Sapphires by Tony Briggs
Directed by Wayne Blair
Starring Chris O'Dowd, Deborah Mailman,
Jessica Mauboy, Shari Sebbens, Miranda Tapsell

The Weinstein Company / Rated PG-13

The Sapphires follows the story of four Australian Aboriginal women who are hired to entertain the US troops in Vietnam in 1968.

The Sapphires is a familiar story and definitely clichéd, but nonetheless disarming.

It’s an amazingly feel-good presentation of young women maturing in a sad world during a brief stint of stardom. Even while set against dark a subject matter, the film is simple, uplifting, and great.

I thought the movie was really enjoyable.

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CELEBRATE THE RESURRECTION Of Jesus This Sunday With Some Easy-to-Make Peeps-Flavored Vodka

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I'm told that today is Good Friday, which in Jew-Speak means "Another-Paid-Day-Off-For-Gentiles-While-I-Have-To-Use-A Vacation-Day-For-Passover" but I'm not bitter or anything, I think it's great (...no, seriously, it's totally fine that you get a day off, I can totally make my summer vacation work, I just won't go anywhere).

And although I don't know what it is that you Christians exactly do on this particular day other than yard work (judging by my neighborhood activities), I do have a little project that will not only be fun, it should also make that Easter Ham and the family get-together go smoothly this coming Sunday.

Did I mention it includes Peeps and vodka?
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MY TOP 5: Best Movies of SXSW 2013

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As we all know, South By Southwest started off as a music festival, only adding the film nearly 10 years after they started.

So, it's fitting that most of what I tend to see at the festival are great music docs.

This year, though, it seemed like that's ALL they were showing.

I would actually recommend just about all of the movies that I saw, but these were the five best.

Only one is a narrative.

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WES ANDERSON AND ROMAN COPPOLA Make Some Prada Commercials...And They Are Exactly How You Would Expect Them to Be

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Wes Anderson and Roman Coppola have teamed up with Prada's Candy Perfume for a series of commercials that will wow their fans and confuse everyone else. And while the people in the video feel very Schwartman-ish, it sadly does not contain one speck of Jason (or Bill Murray for that manner and I feel sort of cheated to tell you the truth).

Enjoy.
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