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REVENGE IS BEST SERVED ON A CLASSROOM PROJECTOR: Student Gets A Lesson on Why It's Best to Leave Your Bitching off of Twitter

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The funny thing about technology is how often the younger generation thinks that we who are old (I'm only turning 39 you asshole) know nothing about social media. What those little jag-offs fail to realize is that back in the day, my generation wasn't spending all their parent's money at Abercrombie and bullying people into suicide on Facebook like they do now, oh no, we were sitting home alone, high on E and posting to what was then called virtual Bulletin Boards about the latest Mystery Science 3000 episode, upgrading the sound cards on our HUGE PC's and reading stuff like Mondo 2000 and the works of William Gibson.

In other words, we were, and are, way more savvy then you think.
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The 'Uncool' Future Of Gaming

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It's hard to remain technologically in the know because as the older we get the more time we have to dedicate to those inconvenient, necessary evils like accounting, laundry, feeding our families (or barely feeding ourselves!) and generally letting our children or younger siblings become rulers of the roost.

That and the inevitable deteriorating memories, poor eyesight and worsening repetitive strain injuries from all those years of gaming.

I appreciate the importance of certain necessary tasks (I need my luxuries like electricity and warm showers, thanks!) and I certainly don't like to shirk responsibility but I've been accused on several occasions of being "unreasonable" or "unfair" for wanting to play games purely because there were children in the room and they were bored! THEY WERE BORED!? What about my boredom levels?

I would much prefer to play through a few courses on Mario Kart with my younger cousins than have a grown up conversation with other adults. We're all so dull!

Who wants to talk about finances and discuss the weather? Ergh...not me.

Am I not allowed to enjoy adulthood?

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HOW TO ROLL A COIN Across Your Knuckles and Be Cool Like Doc Holliday...'Cause We All Secretly Wish We Could

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Very little excites me anymore.

 I guess it's because I am on the internet all day for work and have witnessed so much shit that I am completely dead inside. But this, learning how to roll a coin across your knuckles, now this gets me excited. For I am a huge Tombstone fan (during sex I like to say "You called down the thunder, well now you've got it!) and watching Doc Holliday/Val Kilmer rolling a coin across his digits is akin to being fondled by Ryan Gosling while he whispers, "Hey, girl" in my ear.

So, you can bet I'm going to watch/study a video in which I can be like Doc.

Now, I'm not saying that once I mastered such a feat that I'm going to hang out at casinos and play Faro or anything, I'm probably just going to show off at cocktail parties and tell everyone it's magic...then I will shoot them...maybe.

I haven't worked out all the details yet.
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STAR TREK: Darkness in Japan

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With the new Star Trek movie Star Trek Into Darkness scheduled for release in the ’States in May (but not till August here in Japan), I thought it timely to flick back to a spot of “research” I did prior to the screening of J. J. Abrams’ first reboot of the franchise in 2009.

Research telling me, at least by May four years ago, that only one in seven citizens of Japan had heard of Star Trek.

I knew this then because I finished personally quizzing 60-odd people.

The margin of error was (and still is) completely open to contention, since I interviewed people only in Tokyo, my test subjects were limited to anime production staff, students of English, techno DJs and musicians, and the ages stretched from 15 to 72.

I’ve since had arguments with a bunch of people, all foreigners, who contest the findings (well, they've argued and I've thrown up my arms in surrender), but they have yet to do similar research and I guess mine still stands up okay.

Apparently there was a Star Trek boom in Japan in the ’70s — the evidence is there in online artwork and blogs — but either most people forgot by 2009, or I picked the wrong target audience.

The one-in-seven figure was itself a stretch, since two inclusions in the ‘yes’ category confused Star Trek for Star Wars. One time, when I asked the ongoing main question (“Have you heard of Star Trek?”) my tipping-the-scales 72-year-old English student Hashimito-san declared “Of course!” — and thence proceeded to enact a spritely air-lightsaber cut-and-thrust routine.

It isn’t as if Japanese television consumption has been limited to only jidaigeki samurai dramas, or home-grown animated sci-fi romps like Mobile Suit Gundam.

Most of the 28 to 48 age-bracket grew up on Gerry and Sylvia Anderson’s British-made futurist marionette romp, Thunderbirds, which broadcast here from the 1970s to as recently as 2001.

When I arrived in this country twelve years ago, Thunderbirds was still playing on NHK at primetime Sunday evenings.

The week I sneaked through Customs, it was the turn of the episode ‘Cry Wolf’, set in Australia; for about an hour after, I had to explain to my Japanese hosts precisely why someone fresh off the boat from Melbourne didn’t sound like the outback butchers of pronunciation Thunderbirds had portrayed.

Then there’s the George Lucas factor.

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WHEN CARLY RAE JEPSEN Met Nine Inch Nails

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Here's a frightening mash-up that mixes Call Me Maybe with Head Like A Hole in a completely unnatural pairing that might just ruin music forever.

Am I frightened?

You betcha.

 Let me know when the gates of hell swing open and the world is overrun with demons...
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Triple Shot: 47 RONIN #3, MY LITTLE PONY: FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC #4, LEGENDS OF THE DARK KNIGHT #6

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This week, we find out what Spike has been up to back at Canterlot while most everypony was in the Changeling Kingdom trying to escape the wrath of Queen Chrysalis in the latest issue of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, a book I only buy for my niece and no other reason.


Plus, Digital Dark Knight stories from some of the best independent comic creators are collected and a look at the masterless samurai of Stan Sakai and Mike Richardson’s 47 Ronin.  


47 RONIN #3 (OF 5)
WRITER: Mike Richardson
ARTIST: Stan Sakai
Publication Date: March 6, 2013
Price: $3.99
Publisher: Dark Horse
UPC: 76156815949300311


Dark Horse Comics publisher Mike Richardson has been fascinated by the story of 47 ronin since the inception of his comic book company.

The national ‘story of Japan’ is one of honor, sacrifice and loyalty in feudal Japan at the start of the 18th century.

Masterful artist of Usagi Yojimbo fame, Stan Sakai, was chosen as the perfect artist for the story by Richardson. 


Along with help from legendary manga writer Kazuo Koike (Lone Wolf and Cub), Richardson has the resources he needs to make an authentic and beautiful five issue portrayal of the legend in comic book form, no doubt to have this passion project collected into a beautiful hard bound edition eventually.

Both Sakai and Richardson have made research trips to Japan to study location, wood prints, and visit the gravesite of the 47 ronin. Sakai has been quoted as basing his artwork on these woodblock prints to further carry on the visual tradition of telling this story. While most famous for drawing a cartoon rabbit samurai, Stan has used these woodcuts as basis for the expressive mouths and character design of the humans in the story in tribute to the more traditional versions of the story.

Issue #3 deals with the collection and scheming of the ronin who wish to avenge the wrongful seppuku death of their master Lord Asano. Many say goodbye to their family as they wait nearly a year to attack the shogun Kira who is responsible for Kiro’s death.

Tensions are high at the end of this issue and the attack is coming soon. As I’m not familiar with the story of the 47 ronin, I hope to read this and do more personal research on the subject myself to compare and contrast with more traditional storytelling of the legend. From two accomplished comic book samurai, I’ll take this version as more than just an introduction to the story of Japan. I’ll take this as the ultimate interpretation in my favorite art form, much as I do for Osamu Tezuka’s Buddha volumes.

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GLADIATOR GAMES: PAST, PRESENT, FUTURE Part 2: Present

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Alright, after that massive history lesson, we can press onward into the realm of fiction proper and see how the games have been adapted to modern and futuristic settings.

It actually took quite a while for the games to be represented in fiction to a significant degree.  Over time, the games saw themselves adapted to suit the needs of the viewing audience both in what they were and what they meant.  This ranges from an initial misunderstanding, to shifts in the style of violence, to its very meaning. 

The earliest ones fit a mold which I mentioned in the first part: the idea that the games themselves were caused by decadence rather than, as the Roman’s saw it, a treatment for it.

Science fiction stories were the ones to really run with this idea and find ways to exaggerate it in interesting ways. 

Edgar Rice Burroughs, creator of Tarzan, incorporated the games into his Barsoom series, which the film John Carter is based on.  Here, the decadence is caused by the alien beings of Barsoom (Mars) being unable to die in any way other than violence, and the entire world slowly dying.  Immortality can get very boring, and they live in a brutal world. 

Combine the two and bam! Instant excuse for death games.

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Oz the Great and Powerful (review)

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Oz the Great and Powerful

Produced by Joe Roth 
Screenplay by David Lindsay-Abaire, Mitchell Kapner Based on The Oz series by L. Frank Baum 
Directed by Sam Raimi 

Starring James Franco, Mila Kunis, Rachel Weisz, Michelle Williams, Zach Braff, Bill Cobbs, Joey King, Ted Raimi, Bruce Campbell, Tim Holmes

Walt Disney Pictures / Rated PG


Oz the Great and Powerful is the story of how conning circus magician, Oscar Diggs becomes the all-powerful Wizard of Oz.

He is desperately searching for fame and glory when he falls up and away from Kansas into the magical Land of Oz.

Oscar/Oz thinks he has fallen into instant royalty until he realizes his trek involves far more than swooning every woman, or witch, he meets.

I found Oz humorous, but outside the laughs it lacks in story depth and the mood is inconsistent. The juxtaposition of walking along and being quirky, to seeing an entire dead and ruined town, followed by skipping and jokes a moment later, is disconcerting. When it takes a dip into serious-mode it’s a little too dark for a children’s film.

It gives the impression that Oz isn’t comfortable with itself. The draw is the witty banter amongst the cast, not the plot mission.

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Dead Man Down (review)

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Dead Man Down

Produced by Neal H. Moritz, J.H. Wyman
Written by J.H. Wyman 
Directed by Niels Arden Oplev 
Starring  Colin Farrell, Noomi Rapace, Dominic Cooper, Terrence Howard, Isabelle Huppert, Armand Assante

Film District / Rated R


Dead Man Down. Revenge, love story, two action sequences, the end. It. Was. So. Boring.

Saying the story is formulaic is an understatement. Victor/Laszlo’s family was murdered so obviously he needs bloody revenge. He infiltrates the gang who’s responsible, sends cryptic messages—yeah yeah yeah. I also know my ABCs.

The script of this movie is non-existent. I could have burst during every moment of silence between each word, but that would imply I cared enough to do so.

The characters lacked chemistry and the back-story of the damsel in distress is irrational.
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ANDREW W.K. Is Now the Face of Playtex's New Line of Sex Wipes...Enjoy, America!

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Because your nether region is a heinous place to be, Playtex has created a line of sex wipes (or, intimate wipes as the advertisers like to say) that will clean off your gunked-up hole or pole before and after sex, so that your partner won't have deal with your nastiness.

And, to help get people all excited about using a baby wipe on their thang, they've enlisted Party Boy Extraordinaire, Andrew W.K. to promote and cajole people into spending $8 for a tub of pre-moistened towelettes .
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ARCHER: "Coyote Lovely!" S4E8 (review)

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By Ryan McLelland
WARNING: I'm going to tell you everything that happened in the episode. If you don't want to know then stop reading. OR ELSE!  And I'm going to use everyday Archer speak which means I assume you've seen the show. If you haven't seen the show stop reading spoilers on the current episode and go buy the first season on DVD. Or Blu-Ray. Or download it on iTunes. Netflix. You get the point.

Archer the Philanderer screws the pooch in this on-the-border episode and you'll find out what the haps are with every single spoiler-filled moment!

Episode 8: COYOTE LOVELY! - Archer, Cyril, and Lana are near the border in Texas waiting to hunt down Moreno - a fearless human smuggler. The plan is simple: Lana and Cyril pose as a couple with a blown-out engine. Moreno stops his truck, Archer (sitting a bit away with a sniper rifle) shoots out the engine block, and the ISIS gang then has Moreno.


Of course it all goes to pot.
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BEHOLD THE INCREDIBLE Sorcery of the Hamilton Breakfast Sandwich Maker! For Within It's Glossy Surface Lies True Early Morning Happiness!

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Lazy people, this is a time for great rejoicing across the land, for upon a pale horse comes not death but a Hamilton Beach Breakfast Sandwich Maker that promises to give you the McGriddle-like taste you desire, using only the crap you have lying around at home.

Hazzah!

But sweet maiden, how will thy build the sweet, tasty goodness that I know and love, you doth ask?

Well ponder no more my good sirs and fine ladies, for there is a YouTube video that will explain all like a sage.

And why am I writing this as if I am at a Ren Faire?

Barrels of sweet mead my friends...barrels of sweet mead.

Hazzah!
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Zero Hour S1E????

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On March 1st, the news broke: ABC cancelled Zero Hour.

Zero Hour debuted on February 14th with a 1.4 rating in the 18-49 demographic with 6.38 million total viewers. Week 2 saw the numbers drop to a 1.1 rating and 5.39 million and week 3 fell to a 1.0 rating with 5.05 million.

Some filmed episodes have not aired. We may get them over the summer.

In retrospect, what can we say?

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THE CRY FACE APP: Now Your Stupid Friends Can Finally Look How You Feel...Sad and Depressed

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There are loads of Apps out on the market that you might consider buying, but save your money, 'cause what you are really going to want to spend that $.99 on is a program that turns all your stupid happy friends into crying jag-offs that look horrible (which will, in return, bring a little happiness into that cold, dead heart of yours).

With the Cry Face App you can make formally photogenic people look like this:
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Marvel Comics Golden Age DisContinuity 003 Marvel Mystery Comics #2

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One of the greatest guides to the concept of continuity in a specific series is The DisContinuity Guide: The Unofficial Doctor Who Companion by Paul Cornell, Martin Day and Keith Topping, first put out in 1995.

 From my point of view the genius of this work is in the way the authors peel back the layers of a complex text like Doctor Who, and start back at the beginning, when we didn't know anything about the series or what it would eventually evolve into.

This allows us to see the ways in which the universe was expanded, sometimes carefully, often times not.  We get to see undeveloped themes and the earliest examples of new themes.

Like an evolutionary biologist studying our small, brown furred burrowing human ancestors, we get a look at the way things were without the baggage of the way things are.

Marvel Comics Golden Age DisContinuity 003


Title(s):
Human Torch : (Murder at the Racetrack)
Angel : (The Treasure of Alano)
Sub-Mariner : (Attack on New York City)
Masked Raider : (The Town of Wanted Men)
American Ace : (Origin of the American Ace)
Angel: (Death-Bird Squadron)
Ka-Zar : (The Battle With Bardak)

Publication Date / On Sale Date:
December 1939 / October 13, 1939

Sources:
Superman, Nazis




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WTF FRIDAY: Eric Wareheim (Tim & Eric Awesome Show) Puts Ray Wise In A Surreal Video For Dream Pop Duo Beach House...And It Is Truly, Well, Awesome

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It's snowy here in the Tri-State area and I am in need of some dewy vocals and a weird-ass video to help take me into the weekend so that I don't try to shoot myself in the head (tell me again how my husband managed to talk a Southern Girl into moving where the temperature makes rain turn into magic depression powder again).

And, in all honesty, I have to give it up to Eric Wareheim for adding a dash of Ray Wise into his fucked up half-time show/drug-induced dream state, 'cause when you are in need of someone to make the audience feel uncomfortable, Ray's your guy.

I don't know, maybe it's the way that the guy's mouth always looks a little too moist that gives me the heebie-jeebies...

Good weekend y'all.
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Guillermo del Toro's MAMA Comes To Blu/DVD

Warner Gangsters Come To Blu-ray in Two Glorious Collections!

SXSW - EVIL DEAD (review)

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Review by Todd Sokolove
Evil Dead
Produced by Sam Raimi, Bruce Campbell, Robert Tapert  
Screenplay by Fede Alvarez, Rodo Sayagues, Diablo Cody  
Based on The Evil Dead by Sam Raimi 
Directed by Fede Alvarez 
Starring Jane Levy, Shiloh Fernandez, Jessica Lucas, 
Lou Taylor Pucci, Elizabeth Blackmore

Ghost House Pictures, FilmDistrict / Rated R


I walked into this new Evil Dead completely at peace with the whole thing, but it surely didn't start that way.

Like so many other fans of Sam Rami's cult classic (not to mention sequels and legacy in everything from video games to off-Broadway), I thought this remake would be very, very ungroovy.


Regardless of the participation of the original filmmakers, how can you possibly redo the original's tone? Why would you even attempt it? Would this new Horror moviegoing audience even appreciate it, even if sticking true to the original?

While the later question is a tad early to predict, all other concerns are moot.  Evil Dead is a bloody brilliant update celebrating and sometimes exceeding its predecessor.

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UP YOUR PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVENESS With the "Stop Talking" Business Cards...Patrick Bateman Would Be Proud

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Whenever I am somewhere where talking on a phone would be an interruption to those around me, I make sure to turn it off and go about my time as an honorable human being who isn't afraid to "unplug" for a few hours.

But there are those who walk among us whose very lives are dependent on the ability to text/talk/play on their phones in order to function in a coherent manner, and it is to them that I say (albeit in simple business card form):

STOP TALKING

Or, more to the point STOP FUCKING TALKING.
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