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THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN – PART 1: EXTENDED EDITION Brings Eight Additional Unncessary Minutes To Resell It To Twi-Hards

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I've never understood why Twilight generated the level of hate that it did.  I saw it (and the sequels) and found them to be not particularly great and much more of a watching the CW experience rather than a theatrical one.  The entire cast seems bored and Kristen Stewart's performance reminds me of Jaws("(S)he's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes").

It wasn't until I saw this second to last installment, Breaking Dawn: Part 1, that I couldn't watch for a moment longer.  Pretentious and awful don't mix well.  So you can imagine my delight that director Bill Condon has managed to find eight more minutes of footage to add to this cinematic malady.  


Will you be watching?


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PORTLAND MAN Used Own Dreadlock To Strangle Girlfriend...Now There's a Portlandia Episode I Would Enjoy Seeing

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strangling, dreadlocks, hippie, Portland


Caleb Grothberg, 32, was taken to Multnomah County Detention Center and booked on charges of Attempted Assault, Kidnapping, Menacing and Strangulation on Monday after trying to render his girlfriend deceased by CHOKING HER WITH HIS OWN FUCKING DREADLOCKS.

 The unnamed woman was admitted to the hospital with non-life threatening injuries although no info has been released to the public concerning her identity or condition.

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Smallville: Random, Awesome and WTF?! - S9E21: Salvation

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Smallville, Superman, Tom Welling, Erica Durance, Clark Kent, Zod, Callum Blue
It’s time for Clark and Zod to put aside their animosity…by punching the daylights out of one another.  That’s right, it’s Clark vs. Zod for all the marbles as the ninth season finale is upon us and one of these contenders isn’t walking away.

And the other isn’t exactly doing that either…

The Random:
1. We get a nice little glimpse of the year 2013 and Lois and Clark are still working at The Daily Planet, Perry’s the editor, Lex is making a bid for president, and Clark wears a familiar set of tights to rescue an airplane.  For those keeping score, that’s this year, so let’s get with it already.

2. Oh, how I missed Hawkman and his verbal sparring with Green Arrow.  Those two have just the right amount of animosity and grudging respect to make it believable.

3. Watchtower really is up and running full steam, and it’s a blast to see all of our world’s heroes (well, most of them) discussing a plan of action to take the fight to Zod.  Makes me feel all comicy.

Tom Welling, Smallville, Superman,
I need these contacts, I really do.


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YOU CAN'T DO THAT ON TELEVISION Is Available For Download on iTunes...And Now My Life Is Almost Complete

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Canadian Television, Kids Show, 80s, Nostalgia

Apparently that stuffed goat I sacrificed to the Gods of Kid-Centered Nostalgia listened to my prayers and rewarded my allegiance to the Dark Ones by allowing seven episodes of You Can't Do That On Television to be available for download on iTunes ($1.99 each).

 Granted, seven episodes out of 143 isn't great, but it's a start for fans of one of the best damn TV shows that drenched its child stars in green slime tainted with bacteria.

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JOHN CENA PROTOBOMBS FRED FLINTSTONE Off The Fruity and Cocoa Pebbles Box...

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Fruity Pebbles, Cocoa Pebbles, breakfast cereal

In a move that is certainly sacrilegious in some cereal-centric bible somewhere, Post Cereal has decided to remove Fred Flintstone as frontman of the Pebbles empire and replace him with a more relevant spokesperson that the stupid, frakking kids of today can relate to...John Cena.

I don't know if this change was conducted by poll or because some cereal execs kids said to their easily influenced parent "John Cena is better than Fred Flintstone" but for a limited time, a wrestler will be spoon feeding sugar-soaked breakfast foods into the mouths of our offspring.

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Mixtapes From The Midwest: Punk Rock Warlord

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The Clash, Mescaleros, Mick Jones, Pogues,
Music, Forces of Geek, FOG!






December 22nd, 2012 marked a decade since Joe Strummer (born John Mellor) passed away. My best friend (the one who initially broke the news of his passing to me) sent me a text message that morning. “Still makes me sad, even though it’s been ten years,” she said. It still makes me sad, too, and probably always will.

Though I have written about The Clash and Joe Strummer many times before, I will continue to write about them - because The Clash has been my favorite band since I was 15, because nearly everything Joe has done musically remains important and relevant to my life, because he left behind an amazing body of work and sharing it with others by writing about it is one thing that eases the sadness just a bit.


Though some of my very favorite Clash songs are Mick Jones songs, this is a Joe Strummer-focused column, so I stuck with Clash tunes that Joe sung lead vocals on. There is a notable lack of some of Joe’s musical projects: you will find no songs from Cut the Crap here; I also have not included anything from Joe’s brief time with the Pogues (I love the Pogues, but they weren’t Joe’s band, y’know?), and there is nothing here from the album Earthquake Weather. Which leads me to say...

Tune into Mix Tapes from the Midwest: The Podcast to hear songs from Earthquake Weather, as well as a number of other Clash and Mescaleros songs that didn’t make it into the column.

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JUSTIFIED: "Hole In The Wall" S4/E1 (review)

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By Steve Ahlquist
Having wrapped up a significant portion of its plot lines last season, Justified's season premiere, "Hole In The Wall," spends most its time establishing new story arcs and new characters to keep Timothy Oliphant as US Marshall Raylan Givens busy for thirteen new episodes.  Most interesting right out of the gate is Patton Oswalt, playing an old high school friend of Raylan's, Constable Bob. Bob is played most for sad sack laughs, but there's a dark prepper edge to the Constable, including a violent attack on a high school classmate in his past, that points to a cauldron of volatile emotions beneath his self-deprecating demeanor.

Raylan Givens, Justified, Patton Oswalt, Elmore Leonard

Also joining the cast is Ron Eldard as Colton Rhodes, and old army buddy of Boyd Crowder, played by the amazing Walton Goggins. Colton is a dangerous man, able to kill with a shrug of his shoulders and a well placed bullet. Colton's savagery surprises even Boyd, who didn't exactly order the man's killing. "I told you to take care of him, not shoot him!" Shades of Abbott and Costello there.

Justified, Elmore Leonard, FX, Walton Goggins, Ron Eldard

Speaking of Boyd, he's expanded his reading over the hiatus. Though he's usually fond of quoting the Bible, this year he gives us two choice quotes, one from atheist science fiction writer Isaac Asimov and the other from economist John Maynard Keynes. As a fan of both these authors, I was properly pleased, until I remembered that Boyd Crowder is a murderous drug dealing villain. Talk about mixed signals.


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5 MILLION PEOPLE HAVE WATCHED A Video About The World's Shortest Escalator...Join Them In This Journey

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Kawaski, Japan, Escalator, Travel

I think I might have stopped caring about things. After-all, I'm putting up a video in which an obviously high American showcases the World's Shortest Escalator in Kawasaki, Japan.

 Is this even interesting?

 5 million people (I'm counting multiple viewings as a single person because I don't want to envision a world where a single person would view this more than once) think so, so I guess I would be remiss if I left it off this website.

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WHEN BOND GOT HIGH: Moonraker and the Space Race

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Forces of Geek
At the end credits for the tenth Bond film, The Spy Who Loved Me, there was the usual little teaser for the next Bond installment, which in this case promised eager 007 fans that, “James Bond will return in For Your Eyes Only.”

But it lied. The next Bond movie was not For Your Eyes Only—it was Moonraker.

Why?

James Bond, 007, Roger Moore, The Spy Who Loved Me, Moonraker, For Your Eyes Only

Fleming, 007, James Bond, book, MoonrakerWhat could possibly have happened to cause the producers of the most successful film franchise in history to scrap the scheduled release of their next guaranteed blockbuster?

Especially since they weren’t exactly reinventing the wheel, just swapping one paint-by-numbers Bond script for another.

And why Moonraker, of all things?

Ian Fleming’s Moonraker was one of the least memorable Bond stories, a bland blend of Space Race anxiety and Cold War paranoia, centering around the rather quaint superweapon du jour: a hijacked nuclear missile.  Yawn.

The best thing about it was the vaguely sinister name of its villain, Hugo Drax.

Nuclear terrorism was old news for the Bond series; in fact, it was pretty much the standard plot device going all the way back to the first film, Dr. No.  So what happened that caused Moonraker to be rushed into production?

A little film called Star Wars.

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ATTN: HOLLYWOOD: PIERS MORGAN & ALEX JONES, Sitcom Pitch

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Conspiracy, Paranoia, Rant, CNN
By Tea Krulos


ATTN: Hollywood
Re: Sitcom idea: “GUN NUTZ” (alternate title: “BUDS”), PATENT PENDING
Proposal by Tea Krulos


After seeing the recent exchange between British journalist/ CNN host Piers Morgan and Texas conspiracy theorist/ radio show host Alex Jones, one word came to mind: sitcom.


Think the Odd Couple or Perfect Strangers, but with more firepower. After a series of wacky events (the interns can flesh this out) Piers Morgan finds himself with no choice but to be roommates with Alex Jones, who is still trying to deport him via petition  over his stance over gun control. It’s an arms race- to your funny bone!


Episode ideas:

  • Morgan invites the Duchess of York over for tea, but to his embarrassment, finds that Jones has stashed a 9 millimeter glock in his teapot.
  • Morgan gets a package from his sponsor- a new, experimental Prozac- which he and Jones consume by mistake. Soon they begin hallucinating that the men in black (played by Christopher Walken and Paul Giamatti) are trailing them.
  • Jones’s  petition to deport Morgan is effective, but in a hilarious twist Jones is mistakenly sent to Britain instead, where he is deluged with polite criticism. Morgan, meanwhile, struggles to make up conspiracy theories while filling in on the Alex Jones Show.
  • Jones challenges Morgan to a boxing match, stating that he will wear red, white, and blue shorts while Morgan will wear “jolly rodger” shorts. Jones attempts a British accent to bait Morgan into the idea.
  • Morgan decides to have “a bit of a lark” with “old Jonesy” by having him and his mates sneak into Jones’s room at night dressed as Revolutionary War style British solidiers. To their surprise, Jones pulls a bazooka out from underneath his pillow and shoots them.
  • Series finale: Jones rants and raves while Morgan tries to interject more than two words for 14 minutes straight.
I will sell the rights to this sitcom (and any spin offs) to any agency of the New World Order for 5 million dollars.  Look at their chemistry, they're naturals!

Contest! Win TAKEN 2 Blu-ray Combo Pack!

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Famke Janssen, Maggie Grace, Bryan Mills, Luc Besson

FIRST THEY TOOK HIS DAUGHTER… NOW THEY’RE COMING FOR HIM

TAKEN 2

Liam Neeson Returns in the Action-Packed Sequel from Producer Luc Besson Arriving on Blu-ray Combo Pack and DVD January 15

Unrated Blu-ray Includes Black Ops Field Manual and Kill Counter, Deleted Scenes, Alternate Ending and More


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Stay Classy, Academy SETH MACFARLANE and EMMA STONE Bring The Unfunny During Oscar Nomination Announcements

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Emma Stone, Seth MacFarlane, Academy Awards, Oscars

It was almost two years ago during the actual Academy Awards that Anne Hathaway declared after someone accidentally dropped an "F-Bomb," "We're the young, hip Oscars."

Dear Academy and Academy members, you are not hip.  And that's okay.

Despite a number of ongoing issues I have with the entire Academy Award event (up to ten movies can be nominated, but only five directors?), I've taken it all with a grain of salt.  Until this morning, when Seth MacFarlane (who is also hosting this year's ceremony) and Emma Stone took the stage. 

The Oscars is kind of like your grandparent.  Out of touch a bit with good intentions, but demands your respect.  Which is why Hitler jokes from MacFarlane and a mocking of Supporting Actor nominees ("Won before.  Won before.  Won before.  Won before.  Won before...) might have seemed "young and hip," but the two words that came to mind were forced and unfunny.

And although some of the reaction has been positive, I'm happy that I'm not the only one who thinks it wasn't a particularly well done morning.



Check out the fill list of nominees after the jump as well as video of the nominations discussed above. What are your thoughts? What was snubbed?


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Image Announces FIVE GHOSTS, ONE VESSEL A Treasure Hunter is Possessed in Image Comics' New Miniseries

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Frank J. Barbiere, Chris Mooneyham, Image Comics


Image Comics' upcoming mini-series, Five Ghosts: The Haunting of Fabian Gray, Gray is a treasure hunter possessed by five literary ghosts, who is able to use each their unique abilities.  It's a pretty neat concept to say the least and Chris Mooneyham's art certainly seems more than a bit reminiscent of the late, great Joe Kubert.  If the series lives up to the concept and the art is as good as the images released, I think we might be looking at Image's next big thing.  Press release and more art after the jump.
 
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HERE'S A MOVIE SO 'WRONG' You Hope It Will Never Go Right

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Quentin Dupieux, Jack Plotnick, Eric Judor, Alexis Dziena, Steve Little, William Fichtner

When your first introduction to a film is the line "I only loved my face after it had been burned with acid" you know you are about to enter a world that is completely fucked up...and you're going to love it.

From director Quentin Dupieux, who brought you the killer tire movie Rubber comes the incredibly bizarre flick Wrong which is, according to Dupieux, about a guy named Dolph searching...for his lost dog, but through encounters with a nympho pizza-delivery girl, a jogging neighbor seeking the absolute, and a mysterious righter of wrongs, he may eventually lose his mind… and his identity [io9].
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Smallville: Random, Awesome and WTF?! - S10E1: Lazarus

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Tom Welling, Superman, Smallville
When last we saw Clark, he was freebasing off a building in Metropolis in his best Jesus Christ pose and Lois was finally putting two and two together.  Zod may be gone but the neverending battle is still ongoing here in Season Ten. 

Really, that should be kind of evident by the phrase “neverending battle.”

And now, for the final time, I present to you the season premiere of Smallville

The Random:
1. Either Clark is having one hell of a near death trip or Kryptonian Heaven totally sucks, full of weird voices and hallucinations.  At least one of them is Jor El and he’s sending him a little warning about a certain demigod coming to town…

2. Lois knowing Clark’s secret makes things so much better.  Sure, he’ll try and hide it a bit, but at least we can avoid the unnecessary drama of her mistaking his leaving to save the planet for standing her up.  And she even gets to see the suit before anyone else…and before once again getting clubbed like a baby seal and knocked out.

3. Jor El really needs to work on those pep talks.  I think he drinks.  Just saying.

Smallville, Superman, Clark Kent, Tom Welling, Erica Durance
You know she was just dying to try it on herself.  I was.


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JOHN CHO Gets Insulted By Morrissey...And Finds It Worth It

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John Cho, Morrissey, Sad British Music, Comedy

John Cho, like all fans of The Smiths and of Morrissey in particular, enjoyed the British singer for his smooth, down-tempo, pro-suicidal song stylings. And so, upon meeting him, did what any fan would do...go up to him and explain how important Morrissey was to him.

What happened after was something that would make more of an impression on a young John Cho than any autograph from a depressed Brit ever would.
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Where Did All The Iconic Video Game Characters Go?

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video games, Sonic, Pacman, Mario, Nintendo, Xbox, PS2, retro, gaming
It's a new year and as such, I've been spending my time reflecting on the past but not in the obligatory end of year list way as one might think. The basis of this week's musing comes from a realisation I had about iconic and memorable contemporary video game characters... namely, where the hell are they?!

One could argue that the reason it's so difficult to call to mind characters of this nature is that a lot of post 2000 titles assume that gamers want total immersion and as such the player becomes the protagonist.

This is fantastic if you enjoy customising your appearance or really living the story but this has left a brightly coloured, cartoonish and possibly anthropomorphic hedgehog shaped gap in the gaming industry.

Mario, Mario Brothers, Sonic The Hedgehog, Pacman, Nintendo


Remember all of those epic characters from our childhoods? Pac-Man, Sonic, Mario, Link. I'd like to see someone today try to sell a game about two plumbers who have to continually save a princess from a dragon/turtle/thing. Not to mention the fact that they eat mushrooms to grow, which is odd considering they have a friend who is essentially a talking toadstool. Or what about Sonic? Sega's heroic blue hedgehog is just as bizarre. Perhaps the last truly big icon from my own youth was Lara Croft - PlayStation dominated the CD based video game market and their wasp-figured heroine became their poster girl.

Despite their eccentricities, these character were very memorable, unlike many of their contemporary counterparts.


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EMBRACE YOUR INNER MURDERER And Bake Up A Batch of Dexter's "Fried Eggs" Cookies (Complete With Bad Guy Blood Splatter)

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Dexter, Michael C. Hall,

Ah, Dexter, the man with a heart of gold and a compulsion to kill. Is there anything he can't make slightly sinister?

I mean, the title sequence alone is enough to make you quiver in fear but somehow, we just keep coming back even though we know that someday, he's going to snap and murder us all.

So, why not embrace that spooky part of us that celebrates his dark passenger and bake up a batch of Dexter-influenced blood splattered egg cookies for the next PTA meeting...after-all there's tons of people we would like to see gutted there.
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Got'cha, GATCHAMAN! G-Force is Go!

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Battle of the Planets, Gatchaman, G-ForceLast month, I got to be a gaijin extra (think a refugee running amidst fire and rubble) on location for the live-action movie adaptation of 1970s anime series Gatchaman, aka Battle of the Planets, or G-Force.

I'm not sure if it's because I'm Australian, but this doesn’t mean too much to me.

Battle of the Planets, Gatchaman, G-Force

The Japanese obsess regarding the 1972 anime Kagaku Ninjatai Gatchaman (Science Ninja Team Gatchaman) created by Tatsuo Yoshida (Casshern, Speed Racer) and most Americans I know are wild about the repackaged and slightly Westernized 1978 version Battle of the Planets.

While I dug the earlier Speed Racer, I was far more into Yoshiyuki Tomino's Mobile Suit Gundamfrom the same period — which grants me an excuse to stick in a picture here that I took in October of the 115-foot RX-78-2 Gundam statue in Odaiba.

Odaiba, giant Gundam, Tokyo

Still, I was acquainted enough with this other series minus Gundam (the storyline goes that G-Force — a fistful of kids dressed up in bird costumes — protects Earth from planet Spectra and other attacks from an international terrorist conglomerate of technologically advanced villains), to think this would be a hoot, and grabbed the chance.


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HONEY BOO BOO Gets Her Own Frakking Digital Comic...I Guess We Didn't Survive The Mayan Apocalypse After-All

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Honey Boo Boo, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, Redneck, Child Beauty Pagents

Bluewater Productions has ripped the first of the seven seals that were foretold in the Book of Revelations and released the demon known as Honey Boo Boo into the digital comic world.

They claim that there will be four "collectible" comic covers (which is absurd as it isn't a tangible item that can be lovingly kept in a plastic bag forever) and each can be found on iTunes, Kindle, Wowio and My Digital Comics.
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